mk, I meant that if none of this had happened (the affair, the problems with our marriage), then he likely would have been offered the job and we would have moved. this was the job he had worked toward since he started with the company, the one we moved here almost 2 years ago to prep for. and he just threw it away. no, he wouldn't have taken it because of our situation, too. if we divorce, we are pretty much both stuck in MA until the kids are grown. so his options are limited, just like hers are (she can't leave due to visitation with her son/ex).
I know timing is everything. obviously even if ow wasn't in the picture, but our marriage was still in trouble, it probably still wouldn't be the time for it. but damn. and I hate that he left his old company. yes, even if ow works there. I love them, they are a great company to work for.
but c'est la vie. if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
He does seem to have passion for me again (big difference from when he told me I was more like his sister last spring). I also still have passion for him. and it sucks that I do sometimes. I'm doing good at detaching, but wow, the physical stuff lately is not good for me, but also hard for me to avoid. not because of him, because of me, I feed into it...I suck. I want the illusion to be real.
one thing that was really different for us today was he pulled me into his arms, grabbed my head in his hands and started kissing me. I've been fighting the kissing a bit...too intimate, as weird as that sounds, but I gave in to it today. and we kissed forever. I'm talking teenager forever. like we haven't kissed since we first got together forever. just kissing...just omg kissing. I think I've forgotten how to kiss, btw. I swear, I have. It felt foreign. don't get me wrong, we did use to kiss, but moved on a bit quicker to other things. this was really different. I think you are right...maybe that is why I was so emotional later...its me opening up/letting him in way too much.
he sounded really distant on the phone when he called to say goodnight to the kids. I'm not going to read into it, I can think of too many reasons for him sounding like that...both positive and negative. the chances of me coming up with the right reason, without projecting my own wants or fears, is so remote I'm just not going to.
way too much time spent on H here. way too much.
mk, I think your H is making a huge mistake here, and I do think he will realize it one day. cold comfort, but oh what a mistake he is making. your children are so lucky to have you as their mom, that beacon of steadiness and light in an otherwise turbulent time.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
