Hello everyone - it's me again. I am still here, still getting to okay. In some ways I am there but the new normal for me is full of pitfalls and unexpected new experiences that are sometimes wonderful and sometimes painful.
This week has been odd to say the least. Several things: Monday: Got notice that our divorce hearing will be on November 8. This is 3 weeks before the 3rd anniversary of my h leaving home. And one year after we started the mediation process to get the divorce. Poor h, he is getting what he thinks he wants.
Tuesday: a first date, since about 1975. I decided that I could do this b/c I do not think that I want to be alone for the rest of my life. My h has given me no reason to think he will be back. I do not want to wait or stand just based on stats, or myths and though I am still sad, I don't think anyone would think that I am heading for a rebound r/s after all this time. The papers are signed, the agreement is made, we only need the stamp from a judge. Date was not fun. The guy was weird and not at ALL attractive, yet somewhat fun to talk to. I did not discuss my marriage, it is emotional territory and I didn't want to go there now. If I am to date, there has to be a first one. Got that over with!
Last nite: Okay it gets more and more strange. My S23 is now working with the woman who is the sister of ow. It is a long long story - the job was right up his alley so to speak. I know my son hesitated to take this job b/c of my feelings.... but in the end I decided that in the new normal of my life, the best thing I could do was to be supportive of my son. Anyway, last nite S23 invited me to an event having to do with his work - a sort of reception. I invited a girlfriend (GF24). After I invited GF24, S23 told me that my h and ow would be at this event. I nearly cancelled but then took a deep breath and told myself that this is my new life, I must accept what is, and furthermore many of you go to sporting events and the like and have to face this kind of thing. It was the kind of event that suggested getting dressed up. So I did. I even bought a pair of heels - which I have never worn in my life. My GF24 was dressed to kill also - she looks like a model and carries herself like a ballerina - she is about 5'9". My h was there. I had met ow once before (on a subway car by accident about 2 yrs ago - another story), and recognized her right away. Soooo.... it was odd, I looked fab, h looks like sh*t and in fact GF24 did not recognize him. But he is definitely with ow. I think at this event that h could not believe I was there, could not take his eyes off me, and so what. I am trying to embrace my new life as it is, and being a supportive mom is the most important thing in my life even though my kids are grownups. I came home ecstatic after a lovely evening that ended with a nice dinner w/ GF24, and did not cry and weep at all. Yeah me. Guess I am okay.
So here I go... onto the rest of my life.
I am leaving in a week for a family wedding - overseas again, this time to Israel. Will be gone for two weeks including a 3 day stay by myself in Rome. I am one of the luckiest people to get to do all this travel. My sons, dil and gs are meeting me at the home of my sister, along with the rest of my family all except 2 nieces. Even my late 80's parents are coming. There were times in this year that I have wondered if my parents would make it but I guess it will happen.
Travel has been my mlc event - but a balm for my spirit.
Amy, Enjoy your travels and have a safe trip. Rome is a beautiful city and you'll enjoy yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
All I can say is that I admire you greatly. It took guts to go to that event. You earned your trip to Rome! Enjoy! Have a fabulous glass of vino and release all the stress. Be sure to come back here and tell us all about it.
Ciao, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Snodderly, Hopefloats, BND, AH, Imp, - thanks for the well wishes for my trip. I am of course very excited!! and not at all ready. I do get a bit nervous before I leave about all the misc. things that I should have gotten done...
Okay = another weird encounter..sigh. How is it that my life is filled with this stuff now? I would rather read it in a novel.
So my h calls tonite, to talk to ME. Very unusual. He has really really withdrawn this summer in a way that is farther away than ever in the whole time he has been gone. In some ways this has been good for me of course. And frankly I miss more of what we had than I miss the person of him. I no longer have that constant dialogue with him going in on my head, thank god that is gone. Just occasionally have something I want to tell him. But that is almost no more difficult to bear than the little thngs I would like to share with other friends who are far away.
Anyhow after a bit of biz, he told me there will be a memorial service for his dad next month after we get back. It will be the weekend of Oct 7 and he thought maybe I would like to go (midwest - I met him there and lived there for 15 yrs)! Apparently my sons are going to try to go... though they had not mentioned the details (like the date) to me. It is hard for me to imagine how this would be anything but totally weird for me. Exactly one month before our divorce is final!
But - I can hardly think of it anyway because on that Sunday I have another wedding to go to here - my cousin. My parents are coming in for the weekend, and this has been planned for over a year. So... even as he was asking I knew I could not go. I told him that you know.. if we were truly married, I would of course go. But under the circumstances...
Perhaps this is reaching out. Hard to say what it is. Meanwhile his back is out, he can hardly roll over, he got a bee sting, lost his car keys for a day, and all in all a very bad time. This is the bottom he said. I don't believe that. I think it was a very bad day/maybe even a bad week.
He talked to me about 45 mins on the phone about his problems, his dad, his mom who passed away 12 yrs ago, his workmate whose dad died last week... Comfortable conversation as it has been much of the time. We were always good together. Makes it harder to let go. But let go I must b/c that is the reality.
I invited him over to watch the demise of a very large but diseased hemlock tree I am having removed this week. He has been systematically dissing all invites. Now, I do not want to be pulled into thinking about him or obsessing about what he is thinking, what he is going to do, etc. etc. My life is mine and must go on. xxx Amy
P.S. I must confess that I have been working this summer on a letter to my h because my therapist suggested this. The thing is - that in order to do this non-contested/mediated divorce, we have to sign a statement that says it is due to irreconcileable differences or something like that. I did not want to sign it, but did not want to have to make this go into a nasty, lawyerly contested business either. So the suggestion was to write a letter to tell him how I feel. I will post it to you all at some point.
Those conversations do make it harder to let go. I used to think it was a bit crazy when I had them with my ex, but it led to a good place especially for our children.
As for the service, it is understandable he would ask. Technically, he is still your FIL. But since you have plans for the day, perhaps you can send flowers to the service. Showing kindness is always the right thing to do.
Flowers... good idea!! I have sent cards to the appropriate people. But that would be a thoughtful gesture. I can be a bit slow about these things sometimes as the gift thing is learned and not innate for me! Thanks, Amy
