Still Tryin's new thread 2

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Since H was gone, I thought I would try to find the letters I had written him and post them here.
on 7-1 (that was the month he wanted me to leave with the kids to my moms and I was really scared, but he wanted to make sure what he was starting to feel for me again was real--and by the end of the month he text me to say he wanted me to be his W forever!)
Dear H
Hi! I hope you had fun with all your old friends, I'm sure they were glad to see you! I also hope that we had fun too <I can't remember what it was we did> We haven't had fun with each other in a long time. When I wrote you th note (fathers day) that said "I'm listening now" I meant that. I totally agree with you that things have been miserable. M is so routine that we fall slave to it, forgetting that the relationship between husband and wife is the most important part of it. I know I did. I am never going to go back to that M. In my mind, that M is over. I would love to start a new M with you. One that's fun & exciting, full of "play", going out, doing things for ourselves alone or together. & of course, crazy sex! & most of all, respect.
I don't ever want you to live in a M that we had. You are so right.
I am constantly praying for you day and night, and I will continue praying for you w/o ceasing. < I need to keep back up on that promise!> You are such a special person. The Lord has so much love for us, and His love is unchanging, unwaivering and constant. We as humans are so unreliable. God is the only one whom we can trust. I thank Him so much for opening my eyes. No matter what happens, I am excited for what plans He has for me, because I know they are perfect.
I pray that God will show you your perfect way. In Christ's Love, Crissy

At that time, he was having the A, but still halfway living at home-and showing positive signs but it was very soon after him telling OW he thought she was gorgeous. I know many people probably say this anti-DBing, but I don't think so. My H actually said that the letters did help. I guess my point of the letters was to let him know he was right, and the reasons I was changed.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

This letter was in the heat of all the lies and stuff. 5-26-06 It was one month after I found out the first bomb, of him not loving me. And I had also found out him having the A. He had already driven to see her twice and his plans for going out of town to be alone...well, he lied about that too, went to go meet her or maybe she even was there with him. I'll probably never know for sure.


I hope you had lots of fun in Tallequa, someday I'm going to do that too! Hopefully your reading this when your suppose to. < I asked him to read it while he was there toward the last day> I just want you to know that I will always be here for you. I am still your best friend. Anyone else would probably be hating you or pushing you out the door, but I am not everyone else. Because I am letting God have control over this situation, he has released my anger and pain. He has opened my eyes to the woman I have been playing. I have not been the woman God has called me to be, but he has changed me and is still changing me, and I am excited about it! I want you to know that no matter how hard, bad, sinful, painful our lives can be, Jesus has died for us so that we do not have to be bound by that.
Ephesians 2:4 "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ Jesus even when we were dead in sin- it is by grace we have been saved."
As I write this I'm thinking how proud and excited I am for you when you go riding alone around the lake. I hope God fills your heart with peace and understanding. God created us in his image, and His will is for you to live with him in heaven for eternity. That is why he gave up his son to die for our sins because we could not pay the price.
You are a man of worth, and you are priceless! You have so much to give to our children and everyone around you.
Be careful out there, have a wonderful time and we will be waiting patiently for you and can't wait to hear how your trip went!
In Gods Love,
Crissy


My purpose for this letter was to tell him his worth. To let him know what God was doing in my life and to build him up. I realized, through the For Women Only book, and the Bible, that I had not built him up, and that is the W's job, to build her H up, not bring him down. I also wanted to witness to him because I never have. And for my believe of christianity, that one must be saved to live in eternity in heaven that for me never to share that with him is sickening. What kind of person am I that could love someone and not care about their life after death, if that is my belief? Because I was scared of pushing him away, and scared of what he would think of me. I still feel that way now even, but I am working on that.

wow. this is bringing back memories that are really filling me with emotions. okay, I think that's all for today! shwew.

[Puddle]

Hey ST,

Thanks for sharing these. It's interesting to know with hindsight that H said these letters helped. I imagine you were nervous when you first gave them to him. You must have timed them really well for when he was ready to take them in, despite the A. (I bet letter 2 threw a wrench in his getaway weekend!) He must have had doubts about what he was doing, even in the thick of it.

I hope I'll be able to write a letter to DH like this someday. Unfortunately, right now he has (or claims to have) zero doubts about "what has to be done" (not that *he's* doing anything---it just has to be done...by someone) that that seed would fall on barren ground. Stories like yours help me look forward, though, so thank you for that! You're very strong.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Puddle, your welcome. Yes, timing is the biggest thing. and I would agree it would fall on barren ground for you now. my DB counselor partially advised against my letters, but I felt it was right. I don't believe that the letters did much at the present time that he read them, but I think after time went by and he witnessed my changes that the letters did serve a purpose. I really wanted him to understand that my changes were not about him, but about God.

Definitely look forward Puddle! You still have every reason to hope, no matter how dim the light!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

VERY CRAZY DAY! I'll tell ya all when I get back though. has to do with a wreck and lotsa people calling me today.

wow, but we're leaving tonight for my moms and then vegas tomorrow. not sure if I'll have a chance to post on anyones thread for a week, but I'll try.

love ya all and hope everyone has a wonderful labor day weekend!!!!! if not, you just have to make it wonderful!

[NikB]

Have fun ST!!!!!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Hi guys! Thanks Nikki, I am trying!

just have a little time to chat... we've had some good times, but it's also hitting me as to where I am in my growth and R with H. I do feel jealous of you Nikki sometimes, because I honestly can't say some of the things you do, like "we had so much fun doing this or that". It's almost like I lost the ability to have fun or something. I use to be really crazy/silly/weird when I was younger. Didn't need alchohol to have fun. Now, I don't know what my problem is. maybe it's me judging things around me. I really don't know.

We have had some good times though. I'm hoping to have a lot of fun tonight. We got free tickets to a show called Stomp. It's a drum kinda thing where they use trash cans, sticks, whatever. It's suppose to be really good, and the tickets are regularly 50-100. Last night we did hang out with his friends. They were actually all dead from no sleep, so they all quit really early. I was kinda glad cause I really don't get into all the gambling. It makes me sad seeing people throw away 2k in 15 minutes (a guy who was playing Black Jack next to H) and I'm just thinking. wow. I hope that guy was rich. then I also hope he gives money to charity too cause there are so many people less fortunate. See what I mean by the judging thing. It's not like I'm thinking he's a horrible person, it's just I feel sorry for others who could be helped or sorry for him if he really didn't have the ability to loose 2k like that.

okay, I need to stop!!!! I'm going to have fun, I just got a tan...well, I'm darker than clear now, and I just sold two more bottles and our trip is tax deductible! So that is great!

I'll let you know how the show goes. probably write again and visit your posts in a few days.

cya!

[NikB]

Hi ST - hope you enjoyed Stomp!! I have always wanted to see that show. Excellent that the tickets were free, too.

Hey wouldn't it be cool if we could share the "good" parts of our sitches?? You could share your H's commitment level, I could share the "relax and have fun" part?? I've actually gotten a lot less judgmental through all this, I think. I used to really want to 'control' everyone around me - even strangers, like that guy you watched gamble too much $$ away - but it's one thing I've managed to change quite a bit, and I'm glad for it. Not always easy though, that's for sure.

haha yay you're no longer clear, that's great! Congrats on selling more Mona Vie, too.

Look forward to hearing how Stomp was, and the rest of your trip.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Nikki, yes that would be really cool to share the good parts. but you know what I forgot to mention... my H DID, inadvertently, call me hot and .... oh darnit, I knew I shoulda wrote it down.. I forgot already. anyways, when he called me hot, it was a pic he took of me with a skimpy outfit on...you know, it's vegas, I fit in pretty well with it... and he says, that's a good pic...that's hot...really hot. I wish he'd actually say, "you look hot", but for him to call a pic of me hot is really cool and I'll definitely take that! I wish I could remember the other one, I totally forgot.

Stomp was really cool. It was actually funny too. They are just really creative, and it definitely is a different show, but I'm really glad we got to go. I've never really seen another show to compare it to, but I think it's worth the price. I can't imagine how much work it takes for those guys to perform that show, and I really can't say that I ever heard any of them mess up. Me being a musician, that should say a lot.

I'll stop by everyones thread for a bit.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

more positives with H and kids...he's taken initiative to take s3 to bathroom, he started bath for him and asked me to finish and he'd fix s3 bed and do the dishes.. he worked with s9 on his homework this morning. just lots of little things I always wished that he would do before and never would.

I need to remember to keep the excitement in our R too though. I was thinking, there was a lot of "lusting" on my part during the sitch last year with him that I'm not really doing anymore. I don't want to go back to how things were. M does take work.