I have actually been wondering how you were doing the last couple weeks. I think the folks here together the last couple years actually develop a kind of sync with each other's sit.
He has actually just blessed you with something very few here end up getting. Answers.
We often try to second guess what is wrong with the aliens. We read and discuss books predicting their journey. But they disappear and we are left with no understanding, only questions, guesses, and self doubts. You have something now. After reading your other comments following posting his conversation I noticed things I want to mention.
He knows he is at the bottom. He does not know how long he will be there. I firmly believe it will be less than the time of crisis leading up to this. None of us know what he will do to get out of the tunnel or how long it will take. None of us know what he will be like after. I hope a better person who will never go near a tunnel again.
He is finally talking about things honestly and that is a first step. He wants to talk to you about it more later. He wants you to wait but knows he can't expect anything. You want to wait but know there are no promises. After all this time, you want and need something concrete to hold on to. He is not there yet and you don't know if he will ever make it. You don't know if he does make it, if he will be the person you will want to be with.
The thing that gets me the most, is that this news is very fresh. You have not digested it very long. You have not heard his next conversation or found how long it will be for him to call. Perhaps he is just going to stay alien to who he was. I think it is early to tell. When I say early, I realize you two are still moving in two different time zones.
I wish that the two of you could actually at least sync your lives into one zone so you could better determine who you think he will become, who you want to become, and if the two paths will ever cross in happiness.
Short of that I still want nothing different for you than we all want for each other here from beginning to ... well, forever - and that is personal happiness. Bless you. Peace be with you. Please keep updating your journey.
After all this time, you want and need something concrete to hold on to. He is not there yet and you don't know if he will ever make it. You don't know if he does make it, if he will be the person you will want to be with.
Exactly. I really examined a lot of things in the last year, esp. in the last few months. There are hurtful things that happened in my situation (the sexual part of the affair aside) that I will never get past. I know this. I told H this last night, specifically, something that had occurred that made me feel worse than the cheating. Not to mention, I had to pick myself up and move away from all of that. I'm establishing a new life somewhere else. I'm reconnecting with my family and making up for lost time. I have a new job. I take classes. New friends. If we were to reconcile, the bottom line is I would have to give it all up to go back to live with H...and I am not so sure that I want to do that anymore. He knows this. I can't help it; these were the circumstances I was dealt. My H has a career that I know he will not give up; thus, he would not be the one moving to be with me, should we get back together. These are facts I can't change now. I knew when I moved away a year ago that it would be like this, but of course back then he was not where he is now in the tunnel (or out of it).
I honestly think he believes I could find a better man. I think that was his way of saying so last night. He knows what a mess he is; he knows it's been 2 years. He realizes how unfair that is to me. But he has nothing to offer, nothing to provide. Better to let me go to find a happy life. That is how it sounded to me.
I definitely will keep posting if I have more contact from him. I know he'll call to check on puppy in a few days. He is still working all the time. I asked him if he was happy at work; was that where he was "ok". He said he was, but it was still reluctant and he blames his jobs for a lot of how he has ended up. I don't think he will ever let up on the overworking aspect; he was like this for years.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and well wishes. I am glad posting about this has been helpful to some. It isn't the fairy tale ending by any means, but I am grateful he actually acknowledges the fact that I am trying to achieve my own closure, and wants to help.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
He has been depressed for a long while now, but slowly but surely, he is getting to man up, little by little to you.
I am proud of him, proud of him for realizing that he can not be in an R right now.
I am also so happy and proud of you.
Posters get to know you by your posts, but if they ever spoke to you, like I have. And really sense the warmth and special person you are, they would see that your H is crazy to have left someone like you.
Never a bad word from your lips about your H, always so classy and graceful.
I am so very proud of you, for not turning down any chances at happiness that may come your way.
It just boggles my mind what they don't remember.
Gosh Hope, I remember such awful things he used to say to you, when he was with the fakedrwhore.
Just goes to show, that they must block out, the worst things they do, to the person they love the most.
I am not surprised at all by what your FIL said. It just goes to show how these men, really have not been brought up the "right" way.
I am happy that puppy and kitty are doing well. Is kitty, getting used to puppy being home again?
I don't want puffy back, but I will one day wish he would say Lis, I'm sorry for the hell I have put you and the kids through.
Love you Hope.
Lis, Never a bad word, because he isn't a bad man and I never hated him. He just made some incredibly bad choices. I feel SO badly for him that he went through this and did these things to us, because I know he wishes he could turn the clock back. He even said that last night. He has a lot of his life left to live. I don't know what he plans to do with it. I am just tired of wasting mine alone. I'm not getting any younger. Funny how early on, I was so sure I could get past his bad actions; that I'd be willing to work it out no matter what. Even though he is not offering to reconcile, when I think about it I just don't have the confidence anymore. I cried last night because I feel like I let myself down. I just don't want to do it anymore.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, Though it may not feel like it, this is actually a good thing. in order for him to heal, he has to face these realities. This is the first step in his recovery.
Clearly he respects and loves you and feels badly about what he did for you. But like you've always said, he has too much guilt to try to make it work. But that is some of what he needs to work on now.
How great that he opened up to you. He knows you are there for him.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Yes, I do think he knows I'm reliable. And I do know how good this is that he called and opened up like he did. And, further, that he listened and allowed me the chance to voice my own feelings about the situation. So much had been bottled up for so long. I hope it was clear in my post that H did not say he wanted to get back together. He basically said he is now facing the damage he has caused both our lives, and trying to figure out how he is going to climb out of his hole. He said he was so far away from being capable of a relationship right now. Ironically, I'm doing a lot better in my own life and would give him a D if he wanted one. This was not brought up last night, strangely enough. I waited for him to ask but he didn't.
There is one other thing I should bring up; it might be helpful here, not sure. He told me that if I looked at what actually happened I would be able to see how what he was doing with ow was not going to last. He said, "Hope, if I had come to you in a clear, rational state of mind and told you that I was leaving for so-and-so, and then at this point 2 years later I was actually living with this person and in a stable relationship, then yes you could say, 'Well, I guess he met the love of his life'. But that is not at all what I wanted nor what I was doing. I was escaping and using that as a place to run."
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, Your sitch or maybe your reaction to your sitch has often reminded me of mine. Details differ but nonetheless it is all about a guy who had an identity crisis, and left a wreck in his wake. I too am coming to realize that I just cannot wait for something that may not happen and furthermore a something that I may not want to happen. My friends and family of course got to this point a loong time ago. I think you are lucky to get a sort of apology for all this. And I am sure that you will get to the point that you are once again able to live in the present, and take advantage of the opportunities that are available to you in real time.
I am not sure that I will ever believe that this is all for the best (guess it depends on what happens), but I know I will make the best out of it that I can. And I know you will too. xxx Amy
Thank you so much. After reading your thread tonight I identified very well with all you had said. I agree with you about not wanting to wait for something that might not ever happen at all. Once I got myself away from the situation I became exposed to so much more. Good people; happy people that do not act like this. It made me realize there could be more to my life than being a LBS. Like you, I don't think I can ever say that this was for the best. I lost. My H lost more. Families were hurt. But I am trying to make lemonade out of lemons...or something like that. hugs, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
It has been so long since I posted to you. I have thought about you often, especially considering the situation with my H, the OW, and their baby. You were close to being there once, unfortunately in my case, the baby did end up being real.
I think it is wonderful that your H opened up to you the way he did. My H has been on the brink of that a couple of times. Last spring when my H first found out about the possibility of the pregnancy, he and I had an amazing conversation about what went wrong. Once, before the baby, he even told me not to ask him how or why, but he just felt in his heart that the two of us would be together again someday. I don't know if he really believed that, but I think it's what he told himself to make himself feel better. Of course now that there is a baby involved, I don't think either of us see any kind of a future together. That's probably for the best, it's easier to think about moving forward knowing there is no moving back.
I think during the DB process we make so many "deals" with ourselves, and compromise what we are willing to do to save our marriages, that we think we can work through anything. You are in a similar position as me, in that you are seeing clearly that the sacrifices you would make to be with him again, are sacrifices you are no longer willing to make. That sets us free in so many ways.
Take care hope, I know things will keep getting better, and better for you. Give puppy and kitty a big kiss and hug for me.
WOW. First, though it's a lot to digest, I am happy for you. In many ways you have given yourself closure and moved forward in life, but this is also what you deserved and needed. I am glad that H was strong and decent enough to give you that.
I loved speaking with you on Friday, and I wanted to say one thing that I thought of after we hung up. I loved hearing the tone of your voice change to a cute giddiness when we spoke of your current life and all the things you are involved with. Trust that happiness is within you, and I loved hearing it in the voice of a dear friend.
As for H, I can say this is the nicest thing he has done in years. In the midst of his misery, he comes out and is vulnerable to you, and places it all on the line. I suspect it feels cathartic for him, too. He's telling you the truth, Hope...take it.
I hope that you have follow-up conversations in months ahead. I hope it's the salve you need to continue the healing and the growing. I hope you can see this chapter in your life for what it was, that it had nothing to do with you. Like a dear friend of mine once said "I am so sorry...it's like you were in a really bad car wreck and you were driving just fine and it blindsided you...now you are getting up and walking away."
For the future...honey, do what you feel is right. You don't have to make any decisions now. Place it on hold until one path feels right. And, you certainly don't have to feel guilty....EVER. You made the very best of a tough situation, a very hurtful one. This is your road now, you have choices, and you see what is placed before you. No one would fault you for any decision you make.
Take some rest now, let it all sink in. You have a lot on your shoulders now. Be good to yourself and process.
But, most of all, remember that your future is bright. You led a life of sound decisions and integrity. And you will continue on that path.
