There and Back, #5

[SallyM]

I am the stupidest freaking person on the face of the earth. I am. its all smoke and mirrors and I am a fool.

my day was completely thrown off first of all. I woke up at 7 and came downstairs and realized half of my power was out...it was really weird, some things were fine, some things weren't (including my computer, ack!). I did all the things I could think of, tripped the circuit breakers and such, but no luck. it started spazzing, actually, almost poltergeist like...the tv kept trying to turn on and off, click click click, over and over. I finally unplugged it, very freaky. I called H (I know, I know, I shouldn't do that) and he was immediately irritated. seriously, I could hear his thoughts...can't she even work a circuit breaker??? he said he'd be here as soon as possible.

I hung up and called the electric company, they thought it was weird that part of my house was working and not the rest, but she was very nice and noted it. I talked to a neighbor who was already outside and he had no issues. around 9 I called my dad and he had me do a few things, but then when nothing worked said to call an electrician. finally did that, just left a message with him.

H finally showed up around 11:30 and re-did all the things I already did, to no avail. thankfully not much later the electric company showed up and it was a fried wire, so woo-hooo! no big bill for me from an electrician, and problem solved.

no, none of that reflects my idiocy. that comes as the kids are playing in the playroom and as the guy was working on the lines outside. H attacked. yeah, I know. I went for it. dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

wtf is wrong with me, people? I know this is wrong, I know its downright gross, considering he is still with OW.

later, he did stay to watch the game and I got ready to head out. he was surprised I was going out...had it in his head that I would stay and watch any kids who were too rambunctious to watch the game. nope, I went out. He asked if I would stop and get him a sub on my way home. which I really didn't mind doing, until he pointed out that he really shouldn't ask favors of me, that it wasn't cool of him to do. ouch. damn, that hurt. because I guess part of me doesn't think stopping for a sub is that big a deal, and that made it a bigger deal.

he made a comment, asked me if I thought he was messing with my head. I asked him point blank, "well, are you?" he said he didn't know. ouch again. but all this I knew in my gut, so why be surprised? why set myself up? why? why am I so freaking stupid.

then he told me his buddy got the job that should have been his. he didn't put it like that, just said D got X job. but I know it should have been his. its what he had worked for, what we had hoped for. but H didn't even go for it, didn't even try...because its out of state (mid-atlantic, even the region he has always wanted). he didn't even try for his freaking dream job because of ow.

I ran my errands, ended up just getting new tennis shoes (and his sub), and on the drive back home I bawled my eyes out. I am just dumb. and disgusting, that I would let him touch me. seriously, how pathetic am I? (yeah, already know the answer to that one). and while I'm happy for his buddy, that should have been us preparing to move, not him.

I was fine by the time I got home, gave him his sub (forgot to get an iced coffee for him, he was bummed, but will live, and did thank me for the sub). we talked a little, not much. he asked if I had told my sister about what we've been doing/he's been doing the last week or so, and I told him no. honestly, I haven't...not the real extent of it. because I am such a loser I'd rather her not know. she knows enough, trust me. and one of my best friends does know, and you all, but that's it. I'm too embarassed. I don't even want to tell you guys I'm so embarassed, but I figure I need to be honest here.

I didn't say all of that, just said no, I hadn't talked about us lately...that it got boring, all the drama and such. which is true. I couldn't resist, even though I knew I should have...I asked if he had told OW. He looked shocked that I had said that. then he put his spin on it, saying that I was wrong to believe that he was with her all the time.

but the thing is, I know he is, I do. I don't just suspect it, I KNOW it.

what's been happening between us, its all just smoke and mirrors, and I know that too. and I'm bawling my eyes out because I want so badly to believe in the illusion.