I LOVE living alone

[inspiredjulie]

Hey sweet girl.
Just think you're doing so great and I am so glad you are taking such good care of yourself. You deserve the best. Hope the sunshine comes out and you are able to soak it up. Sit in a hammock for me w/ a cool drink!

[forever21]

Thanks Nikki, HS, Trip, and Jules!

Nikki... I'm glad you enjoyed that post of mine. Thank you.

Thanks, HS. Most people didn't know my personal hells. It's nice not to sacrifice my mental health for my M anymore.

Trip... the sun finally came out here this afternoon. Yay! Went to the park with my Mom after she got off work. I made us some raspberry white chocolate smoothies to take with.

Jules... THANK YOU for being you! Wish I had a hammock. Instead, I'm sitting here on my laptop throwing the ball for the dogs and watching them play. They can be pretty entertaining.

[forever21]

So, my update on current sitch.....

Well, H decided to "show up" again a few weeks ago after hitting a low point (spending a day in jail, for a fight with some guy). A couple weeks ago I spent quite a bit of time hanging out with him. This was the first time we had done anything like this since he left last October. He came over for dinner and bocce on a Monday, and we went surfing together for a couple days that same week. Both went really well. There were a few small challenges, and I used some opportunities to stand up for myself where needed and to kinda pass on some things that I've learned.

But then (the end of that week) I discovered he had tried to hide from me the fact that he had been off work the Sunday before our "activity" week, because he'd gone to a town an hour and a half away for the weekend. I haven't questioned him about this, beyond coming out and asking him if he worked that day and then why he lied to me about it. He was clearly ashamed, and admitted to being evasive so that I didn't know he was off work that shift. Those, in and of themselves, were huge steps for him and I left it at that. Not sure I need to know why he was "evasive", but it's good for me to know that he was struggling to live honestly.

I asked him to meet with me over coffee the next morning (a Saturday), and I used that time to share how much I respected him. Yeah, sounds odd, I know. But I used the concept from the book Love & Respect of showing men unconditional respect. There were a lot of positives in that meeting but it ended poorly. I let him make efforts to keep the peace afterwards.

I struggled internally with the knowledge he had something to hide. I was hot and cold over the next couple days. We texted pretty often last week, but he didn't invite me out on any dates or make an extra effort to follow up on any of the stuff we'd talked about. (though not sure I blame him, cuz it was stuff like... why he doesn't want a D, etc.) I noticed that in his texts he'd say he was gonna call me later, but never do it. Finally on Friday, I pointed that out to him when he did this yet again. Later that afternoon, he called... to tell me what he was going to go do that evening and the next day... his plans with his friends. I ended up spilling how I really felt about that and the current sitch. It wasn't pretty, but not the worst by any means. That night when I woke up in the middle of the night (and had my RE exam the next day), I texted him some things that I wanted to get off my chest.

He has not been getting that I want to be wooed, and that he needs to take serious action on that to get somewhere. Maybe he will soon, as I see a little progress. Yesterday, he suggested we go surfing again and said he would call me on Friday. It was so casual. I'm not sure yet. I told him I will call him, that I just needed some space for now. He made a comment about this being like "last time" and when I asked him what he meant he said like last Spring. I didn't agree completely with what he said, but I told him what was similar from my view... the fact he didn't seem to want to give me what I need and comes across like he just thinks he can come back when and how it suits HIM. I told him it's NOT gonna happen like that.

He seems to be really listening to me more and very much trying to be a better communicator. As I write that, I see what a huge step that is. I think he's getting that a reconciliation is not going to happen with everything on his terms and timeline, and that he needs to respect my needs as well as I respect his. He actually agreed when I pointed this out to him yesterday.

So, maybe I should put myself out there for another surf date with him. Part of me would prefer he take me out on a fancy date, like he would someone else he was trying to impress. I don't know.

[Trip]

You know something I told my husband was that when he was dishonest with me or anyone else, he was actually getting dishonesty back. How can anyone give the response he is seeking when he gives lies? It's all distorted.

Forgot to say... Good morning, girl!!

[forever21]

Hi all!

Thanks, HS and Trip!!!

Good evening!

HS... I should know that movie, but not sure I did ever see it. Could have and just don't remember it. I looked it up online and it didn't spark my memory... will have to rent it sometime. What a hoot! That is pretty funny you thought of that.

I'm trying to give my H credit for being capable of more, as he has shown an ability to put more effort in. Just not sure yet if it's going to be enough for me, but finding that I still feel like I need to continue to put myself out there if I want to get anything back. Change takes time and work. He is starting to admit where he falls short and seems to be working on some stuff, but still only doing that on his own... which is not such a different approach. I tend to think that means he isn't serious enough, but maybe that isn't fair of me. I'm working on communicating what I need without being pushy. We've been getting somewhere I think.

Trip... I hear ya. I am trying to approach the openness and honesty issue carefully. I'm trying to be smarter about how I deal with this. H was honest with me when I asked him if he had worked that day, he just didn't reveal what he had been doing and I didn't ask. I figure there's no need to go down that cheeseless tunnel... ask him something that he would be tempted to lie about. I don't need to be lied to. He and I both know he has trouble being honest (with me, he would say ). I'm taking things slowly with this, because I'm trying to avoid falling into the old traps. I figure I will learn very soon whether he is truly wanting to be honest and open in a R.

So, I sent a text to H letting him know that I thought about his invitation to go surfing and that it sounded like fun. Told him I looked forward to hanging out with him again. He texted right back, saying cool but also that he hurt his back at work today. Said he stayed on shift but it was pretty sore and he hoped it would heal fast so we could "go surfing or something soon". Said he'd call me in the morning to let me know how it was doing. Sorry, but this just sounds like he's setting himself up to give himself an out. I have also noticed that he continues to always work an angle to be the one holding the ball. My response was simply "Right on. Sorry to hear about your back."

[Trip]

Yeah, that sucks. My H has done that too. Always had work as a back up and then I would find out that it wasn't so. I think what you texted back to your H was the right thing. See if he uses this out.

FA's online. We've been posting on his thread.

[Trip]

Where'd you go girl?

[Kim07]

Forever21~

It was so nice talking to you the other night,,i've gotta go up to your neck of the woods,,it sounds beautiful this time of year.

Hope you're still surfing even tho he may not be going!

It sounds as tho you are setting your boundries and he is resisting,,just keep on doing what you've been doing for the past month and the clouds will clear.

You know what you've got to do, sista,,,go to http://www.IMDB.com and buy that movie from 2001 called, "Two can play that game" starring Vivica Fox,,romantic comedy about putting boundries on your 'man' and how to get him to 'see the light' so to speak!

Altho, I think after her performance in Independence Day, any guy would be wanting her to show them the light,,oey vey!

TM or call me & let me know whats' going on sista! Have an awesome rest of your week and remember,,you're the strong one hes' not,,he knows this I can tell.

Kim

BTW: I think MHS, Jules, Kman, RMG & I would all have to agree that if you're H could of seen all the guys that were hitting on you in all those 'places' when in Denver,,,hmmmm,,,different story i'm sure.

[forever21]

Kimmie!

You're up late! Thanks, sweetie! It was great talking with you. We have to do it again soon. Yeah, maybe I will be able to go surfing anyway. We'll see. Nice to know you think he's just resisting my boundaries.

I'll add that movie to my short list. Sounds great, lol. And thanks for the compliments... although H knows I have no trouble attracting attention in public, he also knows I HAVE boundaries. Actually, I think he just needed (or needs) attention himself. :P

Hope you are doing great! You sound wonderful!! Love it!

[forever21]

Hey Trip!

Yeah, don't ya just love how they weasel their way out of stuff? I'll give it time and see if my H uses this as an out, but he sent another text later tonight that just made me laugh and about gag. I didn't reply to it because I couldn't help but to look at it sideways. Hope I'm wrong on it, but he was really playing up the back problem. How it was getting stiffer and stiffer, and blah blah blah. A whole lot of whining. lol. Maybe he actually did hurt it pretty good, but I was not seeing it. Still said he'd call me tomorrow, so more will be revealed.

Thanks for stopping!

Peace and love.