Nomopo's Funk? Is that what this is?

[slowly]

Hi Nomo - I'm sorry, but not surprised, about this funk.

I don't know exactly what it is, but there's something about my W's behavior/conduct that just really makes me feel like she is trying to manipulate this whole process we're in right now. I suppose it's the emotions talking (irrational fear) or the fact that I don't trust her much right now, but it feels like she knows she wants and will get a D, and she is just doing certain things now to try to make her look better in the end. For example, now she can tell people that we went to even more MC with a T we both loved. And she is putting some pretty serious time between a D date and my discovery of her little affair (which I suspect she hopes will soften the blow). And W will be able to tell people the A really wasn't any big thing (wasn't even PA - "we never kissed"), and that she ended it right away. And we still couldn't figure our M problems. I just feels like this whole current limbo is calculated to make things easier for her, and when I think about that it pisses me off. Not good, I know.

My understanding is that if you could be assured 100% that she is being genuine, you would feel (a little) happier about this S? That part of the funk is because you feel the window dressing is misleading? Your suspicion of manipulation be a completely valid analysis of the situation. What is more interesting however, is your response to it. In Piecing, the same sentiment is expressed as 'I cannot get the trust back'. And sometimes we never do, or we trust at a different level. But the hard part is not letting the other person's values or conduct dictate the course of our own path.

And making the choice consciously, rather than being blind to the possibility that our spouse can be manipulative. I know for sure that I don't trust NG the way I used to. Does not mean I love him any less, just that I'm more aware of his weaknesses (conflict avoidance being the principal one) and have accepted them. My breakthrough came when I was able to see that his choices were not a reflection of me. I used to get knotted up over that fact that if I let him 'get away' with being manipulative, it made me look like a fool That used to be so hard. Separating his choices from my self esteem, was part of the 'work' I had to do.

You've also mentioned that your W is uncomfortable with anyone knowing you're separated. Too effing bad. You ARE separated. There's a bit of her having her cake and eating it too. She gets to be perceived as a W and the social affirmation that goes with it, but gets to behave like you're only co-parents.

Here, her choices are making you do something you are uncomfortable with. Heimlich makes a good point, accepting her does not mean letting her compromise your conduct. It just may be time to say you have other relationships in your life that you are not willing to risk by misleading them for such a long time. Translation - she is no longer so important that you need to lie for her. I see this as a natural progression of how long the S has been in place. Over time, your feeling have changed, and frankly, the S has gone on long enough, methinks. Just remember to make it about you, your feelings. Validate her, but try not to second guess. She must see that you are moving on.

Hugs to you Nomo. The learning and growing never stops. Slowly

[Willing NJ H]

I may be rusty, but I am by no means scared of being alone or losing my M. I know there are plenty of options. I'd just prefer (at least still for now) to do the right thing for me, W and my kids and save this family

BINGO!!! That is EXACTLY where I am right now, just not quite as detached yet. Thanks NOMO, and your certainly not alone.

[Puddle]

Hey Nomo,

Great to see you back! I'm with Heim, a little worried about you. To me it sounds a bit like you've done so much, come so far yourself (you say you may be done with some of the working on you), and maybe now you're at something of a loss---everything's been checked off. So perhaps now, re your R, you're really feeling the waiting. Is your anger coming from helplessness? It's one thing to know you can't control your W, but entirely another to accept it and let it go.

I'm not sure how we're supposed to be open to a new R with the WAS while at the same time having no expectations. Those seem mutually exclusive to me, but hey, I'm pretty new at this. Unfulfilled expectations breed anger, though, so perhaps it's just a choice.

I think you're (your usual) wise to sit with this for a while before acting. Anger and resentment are completely normal. I guess the trick is experiencing them, acknowledging them, and moving on without stoking them and getting stuck.

I like slowly's approach to talking about the issue of telling other people. My H would like us to draft a joint press release announcing our exciting new non-romantic partnership. Not gonna happen. (Hey slowly, I'd love to hear more about that breakthrough re separating H's choices from your self-esteem. Stop on by anytime.)

Nomo, you continue to be an inspiration. Thanks for sharing. And lastly, I stand in awe of your social prowess.

Take care.

[L21959]

Hey Nomo --

Your thread is such a great example of 'reaping what you sow'... you have given so much good advice to others, and i come on to catch up with you and see such strong, thoughtful responses to you!

I used to get knotted up over that fact that if I let him 'get away' with being manipulative, it made me look like a fool That used to be so hard. Separating his choices from my self esteem, was part of the 'work' I had to do.

This is a great point, slowly, and something that i've been working on a lot over the summer...letting go of that fear of feeling/looking like a fool to myself and a dupe to my H.

I don't know exactly what it is, but there's something about my W's behavior/conduct that just really makes me feel like she is trying to manipulate this whole process we're in right now. I suppose it's the emotions talking (irrational fear)

Honest emotion, not irrational fear, but perhaps still the fear of being 'played' the fool/dupe...that rare inability (for you) to achieve the outcome you want by your sheer will and ability.


And i think this may work into things you are feeling right now... I spent time yesterday thinking about your post (a good diversion while doing some mind-numbing paperwork at work... )

You have worked so hard at this...and I'm betting I'm right that during your life experience, virtually everything you've worked this hard for, you've succeeded at the highest level (all your schooling, tennis, etc... takes one to know one ) On this life-altering issue, not so much, at least not yet. And that's a new, lousy, out-of-control feeling, and a real shot to the old self-esteem.

So what the hell is the matter with your W (my H), that they don't get this/see this/wake up to this????? Doesn't she(he) realize how much there is to lose, how much and how permanently this will hurt our children (who are the only truly innocent ones here...and really one of Michele's biggest focuses in this whole process), how much better it would be to work together to make a good life? Easy and reasonable enough for anger and bitterness to creep in...

That's all I've got for now...

Know that i'm thinking of you

LL

[Not Much Left]

I once talked to my C about my W not feeling fulfilled in our R.

He looked at me and said "if you W was here, I would tell her that her best shot at fullfillment is probably with you".

LL, as I read your post, that came to mind. For some reason, the "grass is greener syndrome" is clearly at work in most of our sitches, pushing all of us to that point ourselves although we all KNOW the grass is not greener, just probably a different shade.

C

[L21959]

Rereading my post, i realize that when i moved the order around a little, it changed some of the tone of the post...

CVA, i'm definitely with you on the green grass; at the same time, part of my 'mini-vent' at the end was also meant to be seen as the visceral reaction to the likely unusual feeling for Nomo and others of us of not being able to 'make things right'...

[Kelley]

Nomo,
I know exactly how you are feeling about the whole sitch. My head is telling me that even if he splits with the OW that he will just move on to someone else and not even give me a second thought but my heart still is holding on to it but not as much as it used to. I go from feeling resentment and bitterness with each thing I find out about him that I can definitely let him go now but then it fades and I am still wanting him back. Yes it is the time when you are alone and nothing else is going on when these feeling start creeping back in. I at least am not crying much about it anymore but have started drinking more.

You can't help feeling like your in this limbo state when you can see that the WAS has no intentions of moving forward and it is all so frustrating.

I think the best thing to do is just to keep all of our options open. Keep the db'ing going on but also keep your options open to other things and see where things fall into place. I keep trying to tell myself that if I am meant to get back with H then it will happen but I also have to remember that just maybe this chapter of my life is meant to be over and something new awaits me.

We all just want to be happy and it seems like our WAS have found it without us and it does hurt. This whole sitch has taught us all to grow as a person as many here have mentioned that our lives did fall into a rut and this is bringing us out of it by focusing on ourselves. Each passing day does help us to detach a little more and more but we still do hold on to what good we had in the past.

Michelle said in her book that it will take a month for each year of our marriage to possibly get things either worked out or to be able to "get over" them.

[Willing NJ H]

Hey NOMO. BIG blowout with W today, and I feel I am now close to your position. I know your beat and busy, but if you have a chance, stop by and give me a quick opinion on how your handeling this. Thanks. The invitation is welcome to everyone.

[dlt1]

Hi Nomo, definitely take some time (what two hours away maybe) ;0
Yours is a comlicated one, that's for sure! My first reaction to the latest posts is that you are holding on a bit more than you believe. Moving on, but wanting it to work. This may very well come off like that b/c your posts are very detailed and thorough. Bear with me and see if this makes sense:
You don't want the M you had. You don't see a full 180 commitment from your W to REALLY dive in and work. You hope that will change. You are doing things for you. You have a sep agreement that you don't like, your W has violated, you have not.
Go ahead and tell her what changes to the agreement you are making. Simple, calm, and direct. This is not a discussion, you just want her to know before you act on those changes.
See what happens. Do your thing. It doesn't sound like you're looking to hop in bed with the next hot chicadee. Doing things for you includes not being restricted by her. Keep on that path and let that hope fade away a bit.
I tell myself, "IF she decides to recommit and really truly work on saving our M, it'll probably be too late. But, I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it."
I'd go as far as to suggest reeling in the M DBing and just continue the YOU DBing. You've done wonders with that aspect! You can still have C and interactions, you just don't have to keep up the expectations.
I think I got a little off track there with your sitch, let some of my own bleed in. Hope there's a gem or two for you.
One last random thought that just popped in my head. instead of reading those books about M, D, S, R, see if you can find one that says, "how to be a better son." Not saying you aren't a good one, just saying find something differnt to read then what you have been. Change directions a bit. Another fun one might be Hugh Hefner's biography Talk about a Db'er! LOL

[delia]

Hi Nomo!