Growing up is hard to do

[peaceful_spirit]

IMP,
Through this whole process, I have come to a whole new place within me. So, that still remains in tact. But with H's comings and goings, it's been so difficult to navigate through.

NJ,
I am still trying to control the outcome. you are right. This is just so hard.

Maybe I shouldn't have used the word "divorce" with him today. Maybe I should just sit back and see if he can fix himself. What I do know is that at the very least, I want a formal separation. I want him to move out (soon). I want a parenting plan in place. I want to make plans for me and my life moving forward. With him in this constant state of flux, I am finding it difficult to make plans for myself.

I find myself still trying to show compassion for H -- as a wounded soul. But does that excuse the constant deception? No! I've tolerated far too much already.

Here's where I get so stuck. I do know I don't want to be treated this way. But if H really is depressed, maybe he can work through it. But it's killing me in the process. And when I keep uncovering lies that he keeps denying, I begin to think he is just not a good person.

This particular lie had to do him supposedly staying at the Holiday Inn in town about a month ago to collect himself. Last night, I found a parking recept from a parking garage in NYC for that entire night - from 6:30 the night before to 10:30 the next day. He had come back that day AGAIN professing his love for me -- making all sorts of promises. But he lied about where he slept.

When I asked him point blank if he slept in the city that night, all he said was, "why are you asking? What's the point? I don't undrestand this line of questioning" He absolutely refused to answer -- refused... like a child. I continued to answer his quesitons of why it mattered (i.e. I belive a W should know where he H is sleeping and not be lied to, etc...). yet, everytime I asked him the same question, he kept saying the same things over and over again.

That behavior is unacceptable. He was obviously somewhere bad enough that he can't answer me. Depressed or not, I should not have to be subjected to that treatment.

I told him I want a D and I'm sick of all this. I said that I was going to call my L. I told him that I meant it this time and not to think he can just sweet talk me anymore, becuase it's all lies. I said a lot more than that. He did not respond. Just left to play golf.

I need to find the strength somehow to let go. To let him go. To let go of the idea that I'm abandoning him in his time of need. When does support become enablement? When does the supportive W become a doormat? Those are the lines I'm struggling with.

It is killing me. Everyday, this is killing me. I need to start living my life, without him. I already thought of some things I'm going to start doing - some activities with the church. I'm going to make a new garden in my front yard.

I don't know who my H is at all. I'm scared by how little I really know him.