My old thread locked and appears to have been lost.
Update...
Well I perhaps shot myself in the foot big time this morning, but I cannot change what has happened, so here it goes......
We spoke on the phone, and I was feeling so unhappy I told her that we should try to agree a time to meet to discuss next steps. She asked me what that meant, and I told her it meant we needed to start planning the finalisation of our marriage. She appeared shocked, and expressed surprise - 'you are giving me mixed messages about what you want' - well yes I am but hell I am on an emotional roller coaster ride and suffering badly here.
I told her it was not what I wanted, that she knew how I felt, but that I was doing this for her because it was I felt what she wanted at this stage, and that it felt like she couldn't bring herself to admit this was what she wanted. She didn't deny or agree.
We agreed to meet next Sunday for lunch, when she will see the dogs for the first time since leaving.
What to do now - half of me says I screwed it up, half of me says I got it right and that enough is enough.
Help???
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If not, it can help you a lot. You have not done anything irreparable but if you do not want a divorce don't ask for a divorce. It will not solve your problems in marriage or help you feel better so why give a mixed signal? No one knows when enough is enough. If you ask me, people get a divorce too quickly without even thinking. Reasons such as stubborness, boredom, intimacy, control, communication are not really solved by a divorce. If your goal is to stay together than stay together. If she does not want to be with you right now, why push her away? She needs to feel safe and ready to come back to you. Show your 180s and stay positive. It is extremely difficult for a wife to leave a happy husband. You may also want to read Marriage Builders and Stop Your Divorce. These forums are similar but with a few differences.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
(Disclaimer: these are all my opinions and I am not an expert. I am speaking as a friend) I agree with the half that says you screwed up. I've been reading your posts for a week or so and it seems pretty clear to me that you don't want a divorce. If that's true, don't push for it. Don't presume to tell your W what she wants, that might be one of the things that she really doesn't like about you. Right now, the only thing you have control of is you so excercise that control. This is recoverable but I think the first thing you should do is honestly decide what you want. I think it's clear but it doesn't sound like it's clear to you. Once you do that, judge anything you say and do by that standard and you'll be fine.
HI Pssh1968 I take it that Saturday did not go well for you. I am so sorry. Please tell me how it went as I can not find the old thread. As for what happened today I do not think that you screwed up. I agree with Bryan above. You have to decide what route you want to take and then once you make that decision do everything you can to stay on course.
My struggle is simple - I am distraught at the thought (I have the proof re text volume) that she and her ex are planning to be together - no I did not see the texts content, but I know deep in my heart that if it is that, then this is done and dusted - and so keeping DBing with hope is almost impossible.
How do I deal with that thought?
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
Hope is a lot so don't give up on hope. As Michele says, It is never too late to try to save your marriage. Texts, shmtexts. I have called my ex also distraught over my H. That really does not mean anything but it is nice to have an ego boost. Would I hook up with him, who knows but again, a happy husband is extremely hard to leave. Women leave for a variety of reasons, ya know. Don't give her another one. Here would be my reasons to leave my H:1. His depression 2. Infidelity 3. Cussing 4. Deceit Other than that, I would put up with a lot, wouldn't you? A lot of people get tempted by OP if they feel low self esteem or if they lose respect for their spouse so do not giver her that ammunition. It is not about pride at this point. It is about you showing her you can be happy with or without her. She can join you on the happy road to marital bliss or lead a life of destitution, if so she has issues and needs a therapist.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I think at it's heart, DBing isn't so much about saving a marriage as it is about helping us be better people so that MAYBE our spouses will want to stay with us. So, I say keep going with the DB, work on you and let her do what she's going to do. You can't make all these decisions right now so why worry about them? If she does get with her ex, then cross that bridge but it just doesn't seem smart to sit here and deal with it like it's already happened. This may not be an approved suggestion but it might help if you try and take your W off the pedestal. Remember the times she wasn't so nice to you, remember her faults. That might help you put this in the perspective you need to let it go. Then remember that you're a good guy, good enough to reach out to some strangers for help when you know you needed it, and that makes you a rarity. Other women will see that if it comes to it. This is not the end of your world even if it feels like it.
Listen to Bryan, this is advice we could all use! I put my H's memory on a pedestal. I do not want him back in the state he is in. I am waiting for a ghost to walk back through my door. Your wife still sounds available though. You just need to work on you. I know it must be hard for dudes because they are problems solvers and fixers and persuers. It must be tricky for a man to DB.
Last edited by mkultra; 09/10/0703:43 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Psch, I posted this on your other thread, but it appears to me you made the comments you made, not because a divorce and a finalization of the marriage is what you want. But, you said them as a shack factory to try to can some control of your sit, since you are so uncertain where it is going. By you telling her that you want to start to finalize things, you were hoping she would say great I agree or, no I do not want that. You were hoping for some concrete answer, which unfortunately, you do not have nor does she.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Psch - I really do not know what to say. I am now struggling with this same sitch sort of. Last night the phone rang and I did not answer it. I checked the id and did not recognize the number so I figured it was H calling to see if we were back home yet so I did not answer. Well at 11 he called again from work (he works third shift) to see if we were home safe he said. He did question me about who went with me this weekend but he mostly asked about my family. I kept it short but he wanted to know why I did not answer earlier and I said I did not hear the phone and there was no message. He said it was him but he did not leave one so I asked how did you call if you have no phone. And he said he borrowed a friends of his phones but the number on our list of numbers does not match the number that was on the ID. Do I call the number? I am struggling with that right now. I am afraid of who will answer.
However after reading yours with the text the only thing I can say is you do not know what is going on. It is only vol that you see you do not know what is being written etc. It could be harmless and it could also be her talking to someone about you for guidance. Maybe they are just platonic friends. Then again as mentioned it could just be boosting her ego some to know someone else wants her. I say that you should just keep DB'ing and until you have concrete proof try not to think about it. I wish I could follow that advice. Do I call?
