Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

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I had so many thoughts I wanted to write down, but now my son is awake and my thinking shifts to him and what I need to do to take care of him and our life. But, he's content right now reading the Sunday morning comics and relaxing, so I'll see if I can get my mind back to the ideas I had and if I can write them down.

OK, first, why? Why is my W still married to me? Why doesn't she just say it's over and it can't work? After all that's happened, how could we possibly reach the kind of love we used to have (once upon a time)? How can we ever love each other like we did, or for that matter love anyone the way we did? Our innocence is gone. Is our ability to really trust and love gone too? Every month she waits to say ILY, every day, every hour, I move farther away from her and feel less love. Is that true for her too? So why prolong the agon?

Does she harbor strong dreams and feelings that she could have that kind of love we used to have with the OM? Does she long to return to him and make a life with him? If so (and from what I've read on this board, it's a very common feeling. The desire for the OP gets stronger again. It's easier and more promising than facing the spouse and trying to fix the M/R), if she desires him, why isn't she with him? If she did contact him, went to him, would it be the end for me and her? Many here see there WAS go back to the OP, only to return to the M yet again, yes? Will I take her back if that happens, if given the chance?

Why am I hanging on? I could end it too. I could move on. Then I could start moving on, getting over this, really facing the pain, say goodbye, move on. I know I can, even though it would hurt. I know I could leave the M and move on and be happy. Why am I still here?

the kids. I want to do what's best for them. What's best for them is for my W and I to be a couple and be their parents. I can't force her to do that or feel that way. What's second best? For my W and I to be friends and keep the kids safe and happy, the best we can. We can do that. But do I have to let my D live with my W out of state? What's best for her? She likes her new school, she loves her mom. I guess visitation rights and working out summer vacations is the next step.

I kind of feel that my d is an emotional hostage in this. If I had both kids right now, with me, would I file for Divorce? Would I push my W to make up her mind? I think I might. I call my D every night to talk, say ILY, and wish her good night. I usually talk to my W a little then too. It's friendly, but I hate the feeling at the end. These is tension. No ILYs. I don't think I would call her at all if I didn't call to talk to me daughter.

Maybe, although it's impossible for me to tell, she feels the same way about her son. I've got him. Is he an emotional hostage for her? Does she miss him as much as I miss my d?

So we aren't divorced. I know DB says I shouldn't initiate the R talks, but something has got to give here soon. She has to start opening up and telling me what she is thinking and feeling. We need to start moving, even if it's "back". Could I take it if she told me she wants the OM? You all stand it, face up to it, and keep working. Hopefully I could too. Could I take it if she said she doesn't love me, can't love me. I think so. I think I'd want a Divorce then. I would want to move on.

My friend advices me to wait until after the next time we see each other in person, which is near the end of this month, before starting to push her on talking, acting. I think he is right. Meanwhile, I'll journal, write here, and I am going to see if the C we saw earlier can help me sort out some of my feelings.

About Affairs. Do you think that eventually you have to talk about it, know details, examine it? I know it's not the central issue. I know the OM really doesn't matter at the core, but an A is a huge issue, just off to the side of theh main issues.

thanks for listening.