WAW1978-Part 4

[waw1978]

Just back from a bit of a break. I want to thank you all for you imput on my sitch.

I needed to just step back and re-assess everything that was going on in my life.

Journaling:
Spent all last week with my D4 since H was on vacation. I really enjoyed the time with her and we did some really fun things together. I think we both needed that extra bonding since this separation we haven't really gotten enough of that.

I realized that my most recent hurts were coming from my mourning the marriage that I could have had. Woulda coulda shoulda...I just got so caught up in that. I realized that our marital problems stared before we got married. He and I have been in this cycle for so long that its easy to how neither of us recognized the long term damage it was causing. I have really been trying to let go of the anger and resentment and forgive him for his behaviors. I allowed the behaviors therefore he had no idea that it was unacceptable and how much he was hurting me.

So this past week I mourned what we could have had. I mourned the good times that we did have and cried for what is lost to us now.

In my opinion this separation is a time for each of us to grow and become better people. I need to not be a push over and he needs to deal with whatever issues cause him to bully & control me. This is going to happen to us no matter who we are in relationships with.

I am going to stop thinking about what he is thinking cause i have no way of knowing unless he tells me. Which isn't much so why bother on speculation. Jusr drives me nuts.

Ironically he came home from his fabulous vacation which he had to tell me how great of a time he had (good he's GAL and acting as-if). But he also thought that when he came home I would want to move back and that it was enough time away for me to miss him. He spoke this so its not an assumption in any way. Left on a bad note since he was so put off that this isn't how things played out.

Can anyone or any WAS tell me how they worked back to a relationship with the LBS? After the borderline abuse and physical rejection I no longer have any attraction to the man. I keep thinking how do I build a relationship with someone I am clearly no longer attracted to? And how much of this should I bring up in MC? We are going again next week after a month break. I just don't know how to proceed. I don't want a divorce but I can't see myself with him at this time.