That notwithstanding, you CANNOT change anyone else's behavior. You can apply pressure, you can threaten, you can ask, you can beg, you can manipulate-- you can use any tactics, methods, strategies, mental, emotional, or physical... but the other person has to DECIDE to change and then act. OR they can choose to do what they want anyway.
You left out one other option, you can so eliminate the attractiveness of the negative paths that only the positive paths remain. You can’t make the other person choose any one of those particular remaining paths (or even a negative path), but if you can accept any of the positive paths, then that may be good enough.
Mrs. choc is a good example. Are you saying that choc "changed" her? He did what he did and she made the choice and she seems to be changing. Choc did not change her. She changed herself.
Choc did not directly change her, but his actions limited her choices, boxed her into a corner, and took away some actions so that she had few options left. The most attractive one was for her to come back. Choc could have made other choices, such as staying distant, paying for her bills, letting see the other man. Those actions would have resulted in a different outcome. Would he have “forced” this? You say no, I say yes, because in the absence of anything different in MrsChoc, those tow paths that Choc could have chosen would have resulted in different action in her. And I think those actions and reactions would have been repeatable.
Mojo's H did not change. Mojo left-- she applied the same pressure as choc-- but Mr. Mojo went his own way.
Of course. Mojo’s ex is not MrsChoc and Mojo is not Choc. There is no one size fits all formula. Each marriage needs different responses. IMO, the whole reason for anyone to spend any time at all on this board is to figure out exactly what kind of mix exists in thier marriage and what mix of responses will get the desired outcome.
What you're saying is similar to the idea that "everyone has their price."
Basically, everyone does, except for a true narcissist or border-line, etc.
The ones who DO change are doing so because they see some reason to or some value in it (or to avoid something negative), but they have to do the changing themselves. The other person cannot do it for them.
Bingo!!! The italicized parts are what YOU can affect. “The other person makes the choice, buy YOU present the choices, good and bad, to him/her.
We've gone round and round on this many times, and you're just off base on this one.
Then why is my marriage so much better than it was a year ago and well along the path to sustainability while your R is basically unchanged?
