I saw his efforts and changes and I made the choice to change me.
Exactly. Which is how he changed you. He had a choice. He could
1) Not work on himself and continue to struggle in his life with you. 2) Not work on himself and work toward starting a new life on his own, without you. 3) Work on himself and work toward starting a new life on his own, without you. 4) Work on himself and work toward starting a new life on his own, with you.
He chose to work on himself. Then he chose to stay with you. Those two choices do not force you to do anything, but they do significantly change the attractiveness of one path over another. Your whole choice set changes. Had he chosen option 1), you would have seen your options completely differently. In this way he had considerable influence over you, not to the point of force, but to the point that he did have a say in his own destiny.
I think the only time this breaks down is when the other person does not have any feelings left for you. In that case the above 4 paths look no different than if it were Joe Blow down the street making those changes. There must be lingering emotional connection in order for the 4 choices to have different attractiveness. Nop knew this and was able to “capitalize” on it. It may not have been outright force, but that lingering emotional attachment can be VERY powerful.
HD has done an incredible job of trying to meet his wife's demands and expectations - imperfectly (as would any human), but he has agreed to and accepted her terms financially, with the housework, spiritually, in regards to childcare, all the way down to how to hang the towels.
Yes, he has been more than understanding and helpful, more that I would have been.
How controlling is she? He was chastized for picking up his daughter from the church childcare without her permission. He has continued to want a sexual relationship with his wife and has been guilty of unsolicited midnight boob-grabbing. HDa culpa.
Agreed as far as her actions are concerned, but I do not agree with the controlling part. I have completely reversed my thing on controlling people as my relationship has evolved with my wife. Except in rare cases, I no think prefer to think that anyone is “controlling.” Control is a form of self soothing, a reaction to a fear, nothing more than a complex knew jerk reaction.
That he struggles somewhat on occasion to get his head above the water long enough to pull in a lungful of air does not = power struggle.
That's a drowning man trying to grab a sniff of life before he goes back down under and into the riptide.
When it feels like life or death to either party, then he fear escalates and the need to “control” increase. Add in denial and ego and you have the power struggle.
That some pointed out that his wife's behaviors are outside the pale of normalcy - that some have said (for the dog & bone analogizers) "that dog is behaving dangerously, you need to guard yourself" doesn't mean that opinion is based upon lack of empathy.
Again, I agree. But what I think is lacking in HD’s sitch is the empathy. I know HE feels it and I suspect SHE feels it, but neither is able to express those feeling in a language the other can hear or in a way that gets past the defense. She will they might not really be in a power struggle, each thinks there is a power struggle.
I can empathize with a dog who is suffering from rabies or bad training - but that doesn't mean that my empathy must blind me against realizing that the dog is a threat to my life and wellbeing and that I should give creedance to its growls and bites.
Agreed and if the bite becomes real then resorting to a very strong action like D may be necessary. I think doing so could help HD’s marriage. But it might cement her anger and only result in a permanent D. Right now the emotional connection is too low to overcome such a drastic action.
OTOH, if MrsHD can feel some validation, some feeling that SHE is worthy and wanted to HD (even though I think HD tries to tell her this), she might have enough in the “love bank” to stick out the work needed to avoid D.
I see this as no different from disciplining a traumatized, hurt and angry child. There must be boundaries and a show of strength to lay a foundation for respect. But there needs to be an explicit show of empathy and compassion to build that respect. This is the part that was hard for me because I too was so angry. I wanted the empathy to come to me, not from me. I guarantee MrsHD wants the same. So this one last ingredient is what I would add to the four options I outlined above.
MrsNop, even though you had some level of emotional connection to Nop, his choosing option 4 may not have been enough had he not shown some amount of compassion toward you, right? You needed something to break down your walls and the only thing I know of t hat can do that is compassion, not boundaries or respect. All the ingredients must be in place. None can be missing.
