I know. I realize that I shouldn't contact the OM's W -- if for no other reason than it would diminish my effort to truly detach.
And that is what I've got to do. Detach.
I feel heavy guilt for what I have done (or not done) to destroy this marriage. And I know that her actions are her own, and I bear no responsibility for the choices she has/is making. "Every man's soul is his own," to paraphrase Shakespeare. But when one takes those vows, cleaves to another in marriage, becoming "one flesh", it becomes very difficult to segregate the stain on your spouse's soul from your own.
And as a born-again Christian I feel the need to reach out and speak to someone who is about to make a mortal, spiritually damaging mistake. I just have to come to grips with the harsh reality that right now she sees me as her enemy, and will thus do the opposite of what I might advise. If I truly love her, I have to set her free -- even if it means she falls. Detachment protects us from being damaged ourselves by the spouse's actions and behaviors. It is just so hard to do. It is very much as Michele says -- it is the most difficult thing you might ever have to do in your life.
In retrospect, W is very much like someone who has a drug or alcohol addiction, the same kind of denials, paranoia and rationalizations. In that case, I can't really help her, not until she hits bottom and is ready to recognize her problems and become willing to do somehing about them, if ever. I need to work on my own issues in the mean time, and focus on my S's and heal the tattered remains of what was my family.
My gratitude to everyone here and to Michele and others for having this forum is immeasurable. Thanks again.
<journaling> I woke up just before 5 AM this morning. S6 was sick, had a fever and needed to throw up. I helped him through it, resisting the instinctual urge to call my W, the RN to get her advice. I tried to shake myself from having that reflex, to remember that I was, in effect, a single parent in this instance and that I no longer had a spouse at the ready to help out in such a matter. Not at this time.
I got S6 back to rest for a little while more. I curled up on a cushion beside the S's bunkbed and tried to keep watch. About daylight, S6 awoke complaining of stomach pains. He also had a noticeable temperature. Likely a stomache virus.
Unfortunately, I realized I had pain relievers and other medicines in the apartment that would be suitable for children, but nothing for upset stomaches. I saddled them all up in the car and managed to get them to the nearest grocery store to get something with sodium bicarbonate, to ease S6's stomache pains. I also got some of the pink stuff just in case.
After we got home, I gave the upset stomache medicine and some Ibuprofen to S6 -- it wasn't long before he was feeling a bit better, but his fever was still going.
We didn't make it to Church today, for obvious reasons. This is the first time in months we haven't managed to go. So I'm planning a little devotional with the boys today here in the apartment. S6 seems fine now, but I am closely watching his temperature.
