Oh my goodness! I am on multiple pages! I don't think that has ever happened to me before. \:\) Thank you to all who have offered up some help/comfort/guidance here.

Part of me wants to just believe that yes, he does want this divorce and that is that. On those days I do o.k. Then, I start to think about my family and how I owe it all to them to not give up to the bitter end. My children deserve more than this. (As do all the children caught in these messes.)

My H seems to always want to talk or throw something new out there after each "bomb" or bad thing that happens. For example, earlier in the summer he did tell me that he went and spoke to a lawyer. He finally admitted to filling out the paperwork, but said that he asked that it be held until he was ready. I was in the middle of a summer job that had a few weeks to go, and I said "do what you have to do, but please just let me get thru these few weeks and then I will have a few weeks off before my real job starts again." He agreed. (P.S. He never really refers to a D or filing....it is always, "I talked to the lawyer")

Well, after a bit of thought I told him that I was being unfair to the kids. By holding things off, this would be hitting them right as 2 were leaving for college and the other getting ready to go back to school. I said that I needed to be stronger for then and to do what was right. H agreed and asked for me to come to the office to pick up the paperwork.

I told him that I would not be going anywhere to get any papers. I told him to do what he had to do- just warn me.

Well, the next day someone showed up and I was served. I left him a message basically saying "You promised me...and now I will never believe another thing that you say."

He called back in a panic and left me a message asking if I was served, and he kept saying that he didn't know it would happen that soon. He said he left a message with the lawyer, that was all. He didn't know that it has to be done within 24 hours. For wanting this D, he really has no idea about any of it. It really is odd.

Anyway, he called again later and we ended up talking for a couple of hours on the phone. It was one of those wonderful talks in which we both really seemed to be owning up to what went wrong and he even said many times "I need to do better." After talking for all that time, he said, "I need to see you. Can I come over?" Now, as you can see, communication is not our thing. There are a few times, like this, when it all comes together. I have learned to go with those as they occur.

I won't go into all of the boring details, but this is just an example of how things happen. That is why the comment about going camping wasn't so odd coming from him- it was just another example of him opening up a bit more after another "bad" thing that happened.

So, you see, I fear turning all of that off, because in those moments we really do become closer. But, on the other hand, it is driving me crazy!

Seriously, who in their right mind leaves the courthouse and calls their STBXW to tell her how hot she looks????

Thank you all for listening. I know that I am spinning, and I appreciate you taking the time to give thoughtful replies.

I know that the answer is just to say, "If you want this, act like you do." I will have to live with the results of that. And, the real key to that is, I will have to learn to really know in my heart and to believe that it is not my fault if the D then goes thru. The control freak in me seems to think that if I let go and it happens then I didn't do enough to prevent it.

Ugh. I hated admitting that!

Pam