Well, I have to say in my defense, I think it went a lot deeper than I just didn't want to have sex and then all of a sudden when my H threatened to divorce me, I all of a sudden was "hot to trot." Yes, that happened, but it goes a lot deeper than that. It's not just about sex as we all know. I honestly did not ever realize that sex = intimacy and that men are looking for that as well. I think deep down, along w/ other things, I was taught to believe that to men sex is just sex and it took obviously a huge wake up call to finally look at the layers of intimacy, sex, marriage, relationships, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
CDM I was taught to believe that to men sex is just sex It is more than sex for guys that stick around. Maybe it is just sex for MoJo's Fuhk and flee model.
CDM, Back in the dark ages, I was told so many times, women really didn't like sex that much. So when BB seems like she doesn't want to have sex with me, those old mental tapes play and make me feel like I am being a pest.
So next time I think about sex, I get the feeling "do I or don't I make a move?"
I can do all of the things Sandi2 suggests, but BB and other W think it is just to get into her pants. I can do the love-e-dove-e for 3 days as Sandi suggested. To BB it doesn't increase her desire. Other women are that way.
Years ago Corri outlined the romance a guy does not equal romance to some LD woman. It equals "he wants in my pants."
Sandi has the right idea for some situations. Other situations it works some times.
Yes eleven years is a long time without any intimacy. That is what most women need to feel....the intimacy. Maybe, I should stop saying what most women need and just speak for myself. I think there is so much resentment that our only way would be to try to start over instead of piecing what we have back together again.
It seems to make a difference in who you talk to these days..... which generation for sure. I wonder if girls are like they use to be when I was younger. I'm not sure. I think that the movies and stuff like that has people believing we are one way when the truth is.....we really aren't that way at all.
Well, my pain meds are kicking in and I have to go to bed....hope I can sleep, but we'll continue this subject when I've gotten my senses about me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just wanted to say thank you. Out of all the comments I've read, I think you are right on target. At the suggestion of my best friend I decided to post my issue. To be honest with you I am impressed with all of the responses. I think what holds me back the most are my kids. And although they are 15 and 19 I still worrying about them thtoughout this whole dilema. I guess for me it is gone. Yes, sometimes we may think that the grass is greener on the otherside. And it may be, or maybe not. One thing is for sure I don't want to go through life having a mediocre marriage.
Again thank you.
BTW: I would like to hear more input on the resentment commnent.
The only way I can sum it up is "it takes two to tango". The hints and the clues where not there.
Even now when she wants to rescue the M she jumps right into the sex part without the normal clues one would look for. This is why I say that it is hipocritical and not real. It really feels like she is going through the motions and not pursing me because she really loves me.
Hi Sandi, How are you? My WAW also "suffers" from a LD. While like most men, mine is a HD. I guess it doesn't matter much though, since neither one of us is gettin' any!
I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, but I really seem to be looking for someone to date, I'm no expert, but I think that just might screw up my DBing, lol.
I just took out Divorce Remedy AGAIN at the library, I haven't started reading it yet, but I thought I need to do something to jump start my poor view of my family life right now, my S is with his mom this week, and once again I miss them terribly.
I know you and your H are not in a good place right now, but I'm not sure if it's any consolation, you have each other under the same roof, you have an oppurtunity to make things better right away, I hope you don't waste your chance. You are a very bright woman, with plenty of knowledge for the rest of us, use that knowledge and advice to improve your sitch.
My W called me yesterday to ask "My advice" on how to clean her pool, I looked something up online and told her, I'm not sure if I should make anything of that or not. I grab at straws don't I?
I'm thinking about my W and I'm thinking about the bank teller I saw on Friday, I'm not sure if she is married, I might ask her tomorrow, how's that for a DB technique? I have not been with another woman for 17 years, but I'm thinking more and more about it, I'm growing tired of being alone.
Sandi, I hope you feel better today. Take care of yourself.
GG
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
It may be a shock to your wife that what you want is more than a sandwich and a blowjob, not that they aren't both great. If you look at sex from the LD side of the equation mostly you see that it's not that important to them and meanings attached to it is subtly negative.
If you are doubting her actions because there is a lack of foreplay, Flirting or other "signaling" behavior you got to know that you're both probably so out of practice at those things that is not going to be easy just to go back in time.
I'm sure that your wife would like to fix things in your relationship as well and may be just going for the first thing that she thinks you want the sex. Probably in the time that you were starving there were a million frustrations, rejection and problems that you felt from your half of the equation.
You want out and suddenly she's interested, after all the time and all the things you did to get her interested now she good to go, I can understand the frustration.
I had a longer relationship when I was younger with a woman and we had developed quite a struggle over sex. When it became clear that I was finally done with the relationship she would do anything to keep me, I think I abused that power a bit too much. I was just too young too see my part in the whole thing at the time so imagine my surprise to find myself with similar sexual problems in my next relationship.
I'm just assuming here that you're not really that intimate with each other and you have learned to not share what's going on with yourself, how your thinking and feeling. Your marriage is probably suffering from what feels like a lack of intimacy as well as just the sex.
You're going to have a hard time feeling intimate with someone who you are feeling resentful against. I think once you figure out how you want to move forward you're going to have to deal with it. The past hurts will have to be forgiven and maybe not forgotten. After a long time struggling with the issue of sex and relationship it's going to be hard to get back on track with out a plan.
Right now your wife is showing a willingness to change the way that she is in the relationship she's showing this through her willingness to have sex. I think you should take that willingness as an opportunity to get more out of this than just sex. What do you want to get other than just sex? (a sandwich isn't a good answer)
I'm not sure if you're totally ready to recommit yourself in this marriage but I think that it's important to really think how the relationship you want will look, feel and how you can see getting there. You also should try to open up to your wife about how your feeling when you get what you want figured out.
Again thank you for your advice. It seems like you've been around the block more than once in terms of relationships. I am just so resentful with the whole matter that I am about 98% ready to move on. Repeatly, I have made my frustrations apparent to her, however she did not give it the attention that it deserved. I feel very sad because of my kids. I've asked her for a D and the first thing out of her mouth was that I was going to dissapoint so many people. I guess that really confirms who is most important to her. Forget about our happiness. Like I said before, I don't won't life to pass me by and not love passionately and be loved passionately.
I just can't be like some other couples that live under the same roof but live seperate lives. For me that is not living!!!
Again thank you for your time and all the other folks that have posted remarks to my situation.
