My heart has been completely torn apart

[I_Surrender]

Still alive and kicking, up until this point, yet here I sit alone and upset. I suppose what happened tonight, is a stark reminder of the three years of marriage hell (so to speak) that lead up to this point.

it's about things which I accepted before, but no longer accept. it's about expecting mutual respect from one's spouse, and I expect that. I am not perfect, and I don't expect perfection either, but I do expect acknowledgement, and understanding.

After battling a long time with individual counseling, I expressed my displeasure, at lack of couples counseling , to date, (to move forward in our relationship I need this absolutely) i made appts, for this week and next week.

I have no regrets in taking this extra time, to decide if marriage is right, is worth saving, as I do not want to 'rush' out the door, and discover I made a mistake.

I feel I am happy as a person, but I don't think I am happy in marriage.

Today's events bring back haunting memories of the hellish years.

Oh well just a rant, hopefully I will be tired now when I go back to bed.

Hopefully W will wake up tomorrow morning and apologise, or at least be ready to communicate.

Scr@w it tmorrow is D's birthday and I want to make sure I don't sleep in too much, and am able to get a bday gift and card in time.

Positive, positives... with IC I have been able to improve my communication skills. One of the things I want to make an effort to do, is become a really good friend with all of our kids. I have been making progress. My father was a miserable old coot, and i disliked him as an adult. My goal is to have an excellent relationship and friendship will all of our children, and not follow in my father's footsteps.

Guess what? It's working!!! I can really feel the foundation of good solid friendships being built with my older two kids! I can tell they like it too! Cool eh?