There and Back, #5

[SallyM]

Nephartiti, don't give up, I've done that, too. we've been here before, at this stage, and I did all the wrong things (pre-db). confusion is good....or at least can be good.

mk, the kids are there to see it, and I'm not sure what they are thinking. I know last weekend S5 tried to defend my honor when daddy kept tackling mommy (especially when he did at the overlook on the kancamangus highway). It was sweet and funny and all around adorable, he would fight for me because he didn't know wtf was up with daddy. lol. I'm worried that the affection they are seeing will give them hope that daddy will come home. I don't want to set up false hope for them...it's hard enough on me.

and here is the clincher, mk, you say to let him date me and romance me and such, but he doesn't want to. he still doesn't want to. he doesn't know wtf he wants. and I'm afraid letting anymore physical stuff happen will just seal the deal against me. will I go with them if he asks me along on a family outing? possibly, but not every time. and who knows if he will again. so far, he has just shown that he is physically attracted to me again. But is love growing again? does he care for me, want to romance me, take care of me...forsake her for me? all those things I deserve? no, don't quite get that feeling. and lol about what are they going to do, get pushed into an affair? lol.

lwb, good for you for adding the private v.m. for you. nice to have a little mystery. and very curious that he hasn't asked about ow's H yet. take care...I'm thinking of you, and hoping your day went well.


well, its 1am. no, I'm not getting back from a hot night out, I just woke up and can't get back to sleep. my sleep is all thrown off lately, ugh. fell asleep last night while watching Cary Grant and Irene Dunn in a movie where they proceed with a divorce because they each think the other is having an affair. I love them, but ouch, given the current climate of my life, hard to appreciate the farce of it.

I had a good day...did a lot of me stuff. H called a couple of times to ask stupid questions (where a particular exhibit is in the science museum...um, my 5 year old is map obsessed, and there were probably a ton of people working there to ask, so why the call?). I didn't pick up, instead called him back 10 minutes later or so. I called to say goodnight to the kids early, and had H cracking up about some stuff, and still refused to say where I was or what I was doing...he kept asking, instead of answering, I made him laugh. all was good, until I did answer. I returned a call to him at around 7:30 when I was just pulling into the driveway and he asked and I told him where I was.

I think the reason I told him was because I wanted to challenge him. If he wanted to talk about his confusion or what was going on with us without kids around, well, there I was. his mom was home, I heard her in the background, so he could have come over. I did NOT ask him to come over, did not hint at it. and as soon as I said it, I felt like a door shut on any interest...my gut knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as I said it. I should have let him think I went out/stayed out late. but hey, so it goes. and probably a good thing he didn't come over, because it is easier to be strong when he doesn't. lol.

he's coming over with the kids today to watch the football game here. If I can get to sleep, I'm going to hit the gym and the grocery store first thing in the morning, then get showered and changed quickly so I can be gone before they get here. planning on going tennis shoe and boot shopping...wish me luck on the boots! not sure what I am looking for, something that will go with a denim pencil skirt now that espadrille season is winding down. but really its an excuse to not be here when he gets here. busy busy busy and all that.