After posting on the "Deliverance" thread, I gained a little confidence and decided to reach out for some help. I couldn't do that before as I was just too embarrassed that things were not working out the way I thought they were going to.
Long story short...
After about 1.5 years separated, my H filed. He says now that I basically told him to do it. (I didn't) Until the day he went to do it, I had no idea that it was coming. Truth be told, it (the filing) disrupted our lives for about a week. Then, we went back to what we do best...pretending that none of this is happening.
So, that's where I am stuck...in this make-believe land. I will give you an example of what I mean: Last weekend he was away for a sports tournament. He called me after every single game to tell me what happened and to "talk things through, since I am the only one he can do that with." On Sunday he was here all day, as all three of our children were home (a rarity). All in all, it was a wonderful weekend.
On Tuesday, we were at the courthouse for the first of our D meetings.
He went through the meeting, taking notes and acting as if he were trying to stay on top of this whole D process.
Afterwards, he followed me out to my car. He grabbed me up into a big hug and tearfully said, "I'm sorry..I'm so sorry," over and over. I said I was also, and that I needed to get out of there. As I went to get into my vehicle, he said to me:
"I always wanted a pop-up camper."
WTF?
Me (confused, but calm): That would have been nice. I like to camp.
Him: I mentioned it once or twice, but when you didn't jump up and make plans to get one, I thought you weren't interested. ...I see now what a mistake that was.
Me: With all due respect, those mistakes are in the past and we did what we thought was right at the time. In my opinion, the real mistake is to know better but to do nothing about it.
I turned to leave and he asked if he could call me later. I said he could.
I got not 2 miles down the road when my phone rang. H: I am looking at one hot girl in traffic next to me. (yes, that was me)
Again, WTF?
He did come by that night, but by the time I got back from the gym he was tired and didn't want to talk anymore. He said he didn't really have anything to say, anyway.
We talked on the phone every day this week except yesterday. He came by today to pick up our son, and he had to wait a bit before they could leave. Let me explain that I had set some boundaries regarding him in the house. For example, on Tues. nights he watches a show with our son. He did that here each week until I said that it would have to happen at his own place. Our youngest son is the only one who will go there.. the other 2 flat out refuse. Another boundary I set is that he will have to knock at the door and stop walking in.
So, this week he reverted back to watching the show here, and today he walked in once again.
I cannot lie- things like that tend to get my hopes up, and I just don't want to go there again. But, when I say something,he says "fine" and then we go back to not speaking.
I told him that I loved the relationship we were having, but that I couldn't let myself fall into it only to have another D meeting come up and suddenly we are back there again.
He got angry and said that he had no idea what I wanted. I said I felt the same way about him, and that he did have a voice in all of this and that I would love to hear it. He said, "So I should do like you and tell you every time you hurt me?" I said, "of course you should! I don't want to hurt you, and I would like to be aware of something that I am unintentionally doing so I can stop it."
He said it wasn't the time or the place to talk about it. He left shortly after with my son. They should be back here within the hour. I don't know if he will come in or not.
Anyway, I guess I realistically know what the answer is... Get a life and keep moving on "as if." Emotionally, though, I just can't continue that. When I act that way, he does come around and we begin to talk more and interact more. He no longer invites me out, though, and I have not been to his apartment in months. So, in some ways we move forward, and other ways backward. And, like I said, this could easily continue for the next few weeks and then he can just as easily say, "oh, don't forget, we have that (divorce related) meeting tomorrow" as if getting the D is the most natural thing in the world.
I know that a D is not the end of the world. I do think, though, if he lets it go that far and blows that much money, I will not turn back when it is over. I don't think that I could do that after putting my children through all of this and taking away from their futures (all the money we have spent with separate living arrangements and lawyers).
I just wish he would leave me alone. I also wish that he wouldn't.
I feel like every move I make is the wrong one. I try to talk to him and it blows up in my face. The only way he seems relaxed is if we are pretending the D isn't happening. No lie, he will make references to finances by saying things such as, "both of our cars will be paid off in the Spring, so that will really help out," only days after sitting in court and telling the moderator that he would no longer be paying my car payment or insurance.
UGH.
All of my friends tell me to just stay away from him. I don't, because I want nothing more than my children to have their two parents. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, but I do know that I would not consider keeping this relationship going if I didn't think that I could be better in it.
I am sorry this is so long and rambling. I am trying to hurry and get this out before I change my mind and mistakenly think that I can handle this on my own once again.
