After posting on the "Deliverance" thread, I gained a little confidence and decided to reach out for some help. I couldn't do that before as I was just too embarrassed that things were not working out the way I thought they were going to.
Long story short...
After about 1.5 years separated, my H filed. He says now that I basically told him to do it. (I didn't) Until the day he went to do it, I had no idea that it was coming. Truth be told, it (the filing) disrupted our lives for about a week. Then, we went back to what we do best...pretending that none of this is happening.
So, that's where I am stuck...in this make-believe land. I will give you an example of what I mean: Last weekend he was away for a sports tournament. He called me after every single game to tell me what happened and to "talk things through, since I am the only one he can do that with." On Sunday he was here all day, as all three of our children were home (a rarity). All in all, it was a wonderful weekend.
On Tuesday, we were at the courthouse for the first of our D meetings.
He went through the meeting, taking notes and acting as if he were trying to stay on top of this whole D process.
Afterwards, he followed me out to my car. He grabbed me up into a big hug and tearfully said, "I'm sorry..I'm so sorry," over and over. I said I was also, and that I needed to get out of there. As I went to get into my vehicle, he said to me:
"I always wanted a pop-up camper."
WTF?
Me (confused, but calm): That would have been nice. I like to camp.
Him: I mentioned it once or twice, but when you didn't jump up and make plans to get one, I thought you weren't interested. ...I see now what a mistake that was.
Me: With all due respect, those mistakes are in the past and we did what we thought was right at the time. In my opinion, the real mistake is to know better but to do nothing about it.
I turned to leave and he asked if he could call me later. I said he could.
I got not 2 miles down the road when my phone rang. H: I am looking at one hot girl in traffic next to me. (yes, that was me)
Again, WTF?
He did come by that night, but by the time I got back from the gym he was tired and didn't want to talk anymore. He said he didn't really have anything to say, anyway.
We talked on the phone every day this week except yesterday. He came by today to pick up our son, and he had to wait a bit before they could leave. Let me explain that I had set some boundaries regarding him in the house. For example, on Tues. nights he watches a show with our son. He did that here each week until I said that it would have to happen at his own place. Our youngest son is the only one who will go there.. the other 2 flat out refuse. Another boundary I set is that he will have to knock at the door and stop walking in.
So, this week he reverted back to watching the show here, and today he walked in once again.
I cannot lie- things like that tend to get my hopes up, and I just don't want to go there again. But, when I say something,he says "fine" and then we go back to not speaking.
I told him that I loved the relationship we were having, but that I couldn't let myself fall into it only to have another D meeting come up and suddenly we are back there again.
He got angry and said that he had no idea what I wanted. I said I felt the same way about him, and that he did have a voice in all of this and that I would love to hear it. He said, "So I should do like you and tell you every time you hurt me?" I said, "of course you should! I don't want to hurt you, and I would like to be aware of something that I am unintentionally doing so I can stop it."
He said it wasn't the time or the place to talk about it. He left shortly after with my son. They should be back here within the hour. I don't know if he will come in or not.
Anyway, I guess I realistically know what the answer is... Get a life and keep moving on "as if." Emotionally, though, I just can't continue that. When I act that way, he does come around and we begin to talk more and interact more. He no longer invites me out, though, and I have not been to his apartment in months. So, in some ways we move forward, and other ways backward. And, like I said, this could easily continue for the next few weeks and then he can just as easily say, "oh, don't forget, we have that (divorce related) meeting tomorrow" as if getting the D is the most natural thing in the world.
I know that a D is not the end of the world. I do think, though, if he lets it go that far and blows that much money, I will not turn back when it is over. I don't think that I could do that after putting my children through all of this and taking away from their futures (all the money we have spent with separate living arrangements and lawyers).
I just wish he would leave me alone. I also wish that he wouldn't.
I feel like every move I make is the wrong one. I try to talk to him and it blows up in my face. The only way he seems relaxed is if we are pretending the D isn't happening. No lie, he will make references to finances by saying things such as, "both of our cars will be paid off in the Spring, so that will really help out," only days after sitting in court and telling the moderator that he would no longer be paying my car payment or insurance.
UGH.
All of my friends tell me to just stay away from him. I don't, because I want nothing more than my children to have their two parents. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, but I do know that I would not consider keeping this relationship going if I didn't think that I could be better in it.
I am sorry this is so long and rambling. I am trying to hurry and get this out before I change my mind and mistakenly think that I can handle this on my own once again.
He is wishing he had the freedom to come and go in life, like most WAS. But he doesn't want to let go of the best parts of his old life. Maybe he thinks the D gives him back some of the control over what he does in life.
I guess you have also heard suggestions or considered that he should know what D life really will be like. In some cases, that is basically no contact with you or the kids that choose to cut him loose. It is a tough call. If you do it too soon you could drive him further away, or force him to wake up. Impossible to know which will happen.
If you get to talk to him about communication, without tension, ask him how he wants his kids to communicate with their loved ones later in life? Does he want them to swell up in silence, or share their concerns with the person that most needs to understand. The kids learn from the parents. He is teaching them right and wrong whether he knows or not. You both need to consider that in a positive way.
He got angry and said that he had no idea what I wanted.
Well, tell him.
Actually my first thought after reading your post was that you should look you H right in the eye and ask: "Do you want this divorce or not?" As my Cs said if you want to know something you have to ask. And to be honest, things he asked you and said to you are definitely relationship talk type things. He seems ready to talk. Asking if he should tell you when you hurt him is definitely relationship stuff.
The long and short of it is that your emotions are having difficulty dealing with this. You know it. You've told us. It isn't worth analyzing all of that. What you are feeling is understandable. But you have two choices. Put it all out there or detach your @$$ off. The first choice is obviously a high risk/high reward choice. You have to decide.
Regarding money, it is what it is. I would remove it from the equation at this point. Your comment was forward thinking to something that hasn't happened yet. It obviously has not made you stop desiring to have your marriage repaired. Deal with today.
Sara, Thank You. I don't think that he would entertain doing that at this point.
Was2sad, You are completely right that the wrong choice could drive him further away. We do best when we are interacting a lot. However, I tend to get my feelings hurt and start to feel taken advantage of at times. I like your suggestions on talking about how the kids will learn to communicate. Thank you for your reply.
RCR,
Originally Posted By: Rollercoasterider
I am a tad nervous. I'm a cheerleader and don't want to be an Arfer...
That made me smile. You're a smart cookie, ain't ya?
Ugh. Those quotes you pulled make me squeamish! I hate that it is ME writing them!!! I hope you do get back to post more. I do appreciate your thoughts. It is funny that I can read threads here and have such clarity, but I cannot seem to apply that to my own sitch.
He just left a few minutes ago. He came up to my room and layed on the floor and then the end of the bed and just kind of relaxed. (Son was up there, too).
One of the dumb things I said today was that he called me all weekend long about the tournament games, yet yesterday when the regular season started I never heard from him. This made him angry, and he said he is always doing something wrong according to me. I probably shouldn't have said anything, I just thought that I was doing the right thing by pointing it out. I wanted him to understand my feelings.
So, I figure it this way:
Tomorrow is game 2 of reg. season. I will see if he calls me. This will tell me a lot about what he took from our conversation. It will also send me spinning again if he does call. I will then know that he is trying to right a wrong, and I will wonder why he bothers if he wants out so bad! I do so much better when detaching. My problem with that is that it is so hard to detach and still keep nice feelings about him. I tend to turn to the dark side when I detach. I guess that just makes me human though, eh?
I feel like every move I make is the wrong one. I try to talk to him and it blows up in my face. The only way he seems relaxed is if we are pretending the D isn't happening. No lie, he will make references to finances by saying things such as, "both of our cars will be paid off in the Spring, so that will really help out," only days after sitting in court and telling the moderator that he would no longer be paying my car payment or insurance.
Well one day in the middle of the "pretending" I would ask him in a calm , cool way
Hey do you want this D or what buddy?
Puffy does the same thing, when we get along, it's like we are not getting a D at all.
weird.
I think it may be a control issue for him, and he needs to get this D for whatever reason,
but he still needs to hold on to the best part of his life, you and the children.
You have nothing to lose by just being honest with him about your feelings.
We can DB all we want, but sometimes we have to be our natural selves, and just lay it on the line once in a while
You have great advice here.
Lissett
Last edited by Lissie; 09/09/0703:33 AM.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Well, when he did finally go ahead and file he said/did two things that really struck me oddly:
1. He didn't tell me that he was filing, and when I asked why he didn't say anything he said, "I was afraid that you would talk me out of it."
2. I wrote him a letter and asked him to give us one last chance before doing this. He had stated earlier that very week that he had wished that we had gone to counseling. (We did start, but after just a couple of sessions the C told me that I was "way ahead" of where he was, and she would like to see him alone. He ended up quitting, and so that was the end of the counseling.) Anyway, it took him over a week to reply, and when he did he said he was tired of hurting and he thought that D would be best for us. He told me later that it took him so long to write back because he really had to think it over.
This is the game/dance of my H and I: If I look him in the eye and say, "do you want this D or not?" he will most likely say that he does. Then, I will shut down and detach my a$$ off. He will not like that, and he will begin to come around and start telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am, etc. I hate that dance. I want to learn a new one.
I hate that I am analyzing any of this. I thought I was past that. It is just such a shame to me that we are doing what we are doing. I sincerely believe that neither of us wants to be divorced.
Oh, and about the money thing... you're right. I needed to hear that.
I will shut down and detach my a$$ off. He will not like that, and he will begin to come around and start telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am, etc.
If he starts doing that tell him to STFU and walk away. Hang up on him when he starts that stuff. Then you have to tell him that you don't need that s**t and that he needs a psychiatrist. (I really mean this.) You have to set the boundaries and change the dance. And you know that being nice about it doesn't work.
