I have not read 'Silent Sons', but for all I know H has - his C is always giving him books to read, but I don't know if they help him at all.
OK - I need some feedback on this one. While H was packing, he stated "I need you to support me on this, can you do that?" I just answered yes, without realing knowing what he was asking for. I was still just in shock.
What do any of you think that his expectations are with that line? Should I be staying dark? For all I know he thinks I'm being an angry b**ch because I haven't contacted him. I think I'm supporting his need to be alone.
"If you speak and your MLC H doesn't hear you, are you still wrong?
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
In, They all say crazy things and the the comment about him needing your support on what he's doing is out there. I think what he's asking is that you will not beg, plead or cry for him to come home. He reminds me so much of a little boy who packs his bag and is running away from home. He still tells his parents he's running away, but in a way he's hoping against hope that you'll let him go, not knowing what the big world has to offer.
They all don't necessarily have to have a lot of anger. Some are very mild mannered in the beginning. He could very well be keeping his temper in check because you've not been after him about leaving or anything else for that matter. The more you leave him alone, the better.
I wouldn't worry too much about him not contacting you. He's off in his own little world, getting a high off of freedom and/or independence. Just think of yourself as being an alien spouse and he's gone off to find new life on a distant planet.
Continue working on you and what you want. This is your time to find yourself and yes, even discover some new hobbies along the way. You'll know what you want to do about the relationship further down the road. Please remember, you can't judge just how long each stage will be because each person's crisis is a bit different, therefore the timeliness will be different. What HB wrote about the timelines was based on what her h did, not what all of them will do.
Continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much for the advice. I thought leaving him alone was the right way to go, but needed some reassurance.
It's really not so difficult not calling. I'm not in a mood to be his friend right now. In fact I'm hoping he's feeling lonely and guilty, but I'm not counting on it.
Spent the day journaling, cleaning up, relaxing, took some things to Salvation Army. Strangely pleasant day for the most part, given the circumstances.
I was so pleased with myself. Took my Mini to get emissions test done first thing this morning. But I've had constant problem with the "Service Engine Soon" light - it's some emissions thing that's minor but can't find problem. Anyway I have my own little code reader to clear the error and turn off light, which I did right before test so I wouldn't fail. It usually stays off for a couple of weeks. Came back on shortly after I left the emissions station. Smiled all the way home.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
Check your fuel cap. If it's not screwed on tightly, the check engine light will come on.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
angelica, that description of your H's family life could be my h's as well...
I used to hate when they would all get together because everyone would revert to the birth order roles, which meant my H got treated like the baby boy by all of his siblings. It was so silly, to watch these grown men turn into to sparring little boys.
That was first thing I checked, I even replaced the cap. I've learned to not stress over it too much. Code tells me it's a minor thing. I'm waiting for next service.
The H family dynamics are just plain weird. All these middle aged children seem to be unable to disagree with or contradict MIL or FIL even if the say the sky is green. This is just so completely opposite from my family where we debate and disagree on things all of the time. But, as they say, everyone's family is dysfunctional, just in different ways!
This is a great one - whenever we we're on family vacations (which have been alot of our vacations) and the picture taking starts, they always have to take pictures with just the [insert Family Name Here]'s. That is, all of us "by marriage" relatives have to get out of the picture! How bizarro is that? We're even called the 'out-laws'.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
Your inlaws sound quite a bit like my former ones. Hey, I hear ya on the photos. My xh's were like that as well.
I came from a very well rounded family whereby everyone looks out for one another and no matter how much we agree or disagree, we listen and validate one another.
It's just a different world from what we are use to.
BTW, did your mechanic say exactly what the problem is? Could it be a faulty computer chip? Sometimes, they cause that stupid light to come on too. Another thing to beam up that light is a dirty air filter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When they get together I think ir is 'Us against the world'.
Photos are ludicrously important to my h right now. He made the most ENORMOUS fuss recently until he got all the family photos. He said 'I always regarded the photos as mine'.
I wonder if it hasn't anything to do with their distorted sense of reality?? They aren't sure who they are . . . Just a thought.
Angelica, Speaking of photos, when Humpty Dumpty came to get the plastic Easter Egg w/the two deputies, he also wanted all of his photos, i.e., baby and childhood photos of him and his family. Well, he didn't need a police escort for any of those things, because I was more than happy to mail them to him. I have to agree w/you, they are very lost and they have to find some way to return to the past and see who there were back then as to who they are today.
Exactly 6 years later, living w/the lounge lizzard, he posts a note to me asking for all of the photos of the trips that we had taken. Mind you, no offer of money for shipping and copying of the photos. I told him absolutely not. That if he wanted them, he would need to send me a check to have them copied. Keep in mind, I'm in almost all of the photos. Why would you want your xh in the photos at this late date. I'm sure Lizzy the lizzard wouldn't want to look at me.
I have to agree w/you, they are very lost and they have to find some way to return to the past and see who there were back then as to who they are today. The current photos brings them back to reality just a little bit and they need the things from the past to hold on to while floating around in depression. It shows them a time when life was much happier for them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
