On re-reading it, it all seems very crazy and that I have been mad to go along with it all. However it never seemed like that at the time and even my very grounded mother and sister say that they would never have believed H to behave as he is doing now.
I wasn't very clear in my post about the R's H had before me. He was married only once before and then had one girlfriend before meeting me. I think that he is searching for happiness that we all know doesn't exist externally. That's why he was quick to find a new R. When we met he really wanted to change his life, to dress differently, to live somewhere different and to find a new career. When the unreasonable anger reared it's head he went to a therapist (after discussing it with me). He really wanted to change. However the therapist went on maternity leave after a few weeks and H didn't like her replacement so left.
I think that we were best friends and truly loved one another. I am sure H no longer loved his first wife but whether he grieved properly I am not so sure. He went into another R very soon after their separation which I guess would have stopped the grieving process? I know that his self esteem was badly knocked.
H is controlling (I realize that now) and always wants to sort out others problems (mine especially) I have done some reading on it. He came from a dysfunctional family. His mother had affairs from day one of her marriage and then became an alcoholic. Control and fixing others problems are some of the symptoms of Adult Children of Alcoholics. H was sent away to boarding school when he was 11 and a year later his parents divorced. H tried to help his mother financially (as long as she would stop drinking) until about 10 years ago. He then stopped seeing her and lost contact with her and that side of his family.
6 days after our D was born she had to go into intensive care. Initially we thought she may die and then we were told that she may have brain damage. 2 years later we have the all clear. H was far more pessimistic about it all than me and never believed me when I tried to reassure him. 2 months after her birth H tried to contact his mother to tell her about the birth of his D. His mother had died 2 months previously and no one had told him. H cried a little but didn't really discuss it with anyone. We then had our second child 4 months ago. These incidents fit into the 2 year time frame leading up to the bomb being dropped. Yes, I believe there were problems before such as the unreasonable anger but they were not as apparent or frequent as they have been in the last year or so.
I agree what you have said in another post, Angelica, about understanding our spouse helping us come to terms and deal with the crisis. The more I read, the more compassionate and less "emotional", I can become. It's still incredibly hard though, this is only 6 weeks on and I have to see H each week, not discuss the R and our problems, act AS IF and GAL, examine my role in the R, as well as looking after the children.
I have to hope and ensure that what doesn't kill me will make me a better and stronger person on a higher emotional level.
