Just can't leave it alone, but this is how I cope - research, research and more research.
I was so sure it couldn't be MLC again but maybe it is. Maybe he never finished because of his life-altering injury.
I think a clue is his amazing statement while he was packing, when he said to me in sort of an annoyed tone, "I need you to support me in this, can you do that?"
Can I what? support him walking out on me without warning? I didn't support you throughout two years of surgery, hospitalization, taking care of you, even literally wiping your a** for you? The question doesn't even make sense.
That sounds like the old MLC craziness to me. Gosh, he even acted like he was a little pissed that I didn't go get the suitcase for him! Like that was going to happen.
Yeah, it was just like the old MLC comedy routine. And, yes I can support him walking away without hardly a word, since my support requires me to only do nothing.
I can support him all the way thru till the bitter end, because I know he will always wait for me to give up and do the heavy lifting when it comes to a D. Not happening until he does it himself.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
The more I go back and re-learn the MLC, the more likely I think maybe he never finished going through all of the stages. I'm thinking we were in the process of reconnecting when he sustained his injury, and that became the focus of both of lives for the next two years, including a second injury, and now his recent forced retirement last March.
Now that he's recovered as much as he's going to, and he's kind of at loose ends about what to do with his life, and probably anxious, he's gone back into the MLC??? We certainly have experienced enough changes in the last few years to cause it. In fact, same as last time, I felt I was just starting my own MLC when he drops his own bomb. Deja vu again!
I'm really hoping some of the MLC veterans can comment on this theory, or tell me that I'm way off base. I think he never finished going thru the Acceptance phase. The actions and words are so similar in their strangeness to last time, it's frightening:
"It's just something I have to do" "I don't know if it's just temporary or not" "I'm not happy" "You're not happy" "Don't you think you'll be happier alone" "Don't do anything strange with our money" "Just leave all our finances and house stuff the way they are" "I need you to support me, can you do that?" "I appreciate everything you did for me" "We're still best friends"
Well, of course I didn't realize we were not happy.
The differences:
H is not angry and blaming like last time, doesn't seem overly depressed, but he's always kind of self absorbed. H left immediately after his few statements, like a bat out of hell. H didn't actually say the ILYBINILWY line. I didn't start bawling and crying but I did leave the room. We have absolutely no interaction or communication and he has not asked for any help or advice.
So is he going through part of it all over again because he never really got the nerve to completely leave last time?
He was at the house today - obviously went for a motorcycle ride (engine still hot), bought dog food as I requested in a note Tuesday (I wrote simply "Sparky needs more dog food", He wrote even more simply "OK" - this is the total extent of our communication since he left!), finished the last of the lemonade, took some more shirts, went online to pay for an ebay auction, checked voicemail, and brought in the mail. I'm sure Sparky was happy to see him - he's been looking out the window for him to come home all week.
But not even a note or any type of communication. See - this is what happens when you speak in anger. Just about the only thing I said to H when he mentioned coming to the house was for him to come only when I'm not here. Well, it's biting me in the ass because he's honoring my request. I'm beginning to regret it, somewhat but I think it might still be better this way, for a while at least. But if I decide to db to save M, it's much more difficult.
My positives for today: I didn't start smoking again (I am on the patch). My PMA was pretty good. H didn't ask for a D. I didn't call - still don't want to. H is honoring committments (OK it was just dog food, but still). SIL called to see how I was (her H is the hopeless MLCer). I handled work stuff more effectively than usual - some 180's!! I am thankful that H is being relatively considerate compared to what others experience.
Anyway, I'm thinking about moving over to the MLC forum. That's where I stayed until I moved to Piecing last go round. But any advice, recommendations, or knocks in the head would be appreciated. Thanks.
And for all of you who wonder where are all of the successes - it is true that they don't stay around. It becomes too painful for some to stay. I stayed for awhile to give support and encouragement, and also to let people know what worked for me and what didn't, but after a while it hurt too much to be reminded of the pain. I did still check in every so often but I had stopped posting. So what I'm trying to say is that there are many successes, but you don't always see the evidence on the bb at any given time.
Wow, my posts are too long. I will try harder to be brief.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
You're very welcome. I have moved over to Midlife Crisis. Unfortunately I think that is where I belong.
Still no contact from H - I wonder if coming by the house even when I'm not here is some form of contact for him.
Probably just comes to see the dog!
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
