Oh............good for you!! That is great! Oh, how I wish I could talk to your wife. Listen, I know just a little tiny bit of what she is going through. I only had an EA and it has been awful for me. The withdrawal.....I would never have believed how bad it would be! And I am still tempted after (ever how many weeks it has been now ....6 or 7)to contact OM and it makes me so mad that I have to deal with that temptation! Of course, he was not a jerk to me and send nasty letters, etc.
I don't blame you for being very leary of her intentions in the beginning, either. I agree with you about falling in and out of love with people that quickly in just a few days. I would have thought that when she got the "boot" from OM or else saw for herself what he was really made of....she saw where she better grab hold of what she was about to loose...her H & family.
It is so ironic that it usually comes to the place that the LBS finally thinks they can't take anymore and are ready to move ahead with or without the WAS when the other one comes to their senses! My H started backing away and giving me space when I told him I would leave if he didn't, but I think he finally realized that he could not FORCE me to stay if I didn't want to...at least that is what he told my D.
You used tough love with your W and I think that is exactly what she needed b/c otherwise she would not have respected you and even if she did not return to that man....she would be tempted out of her depression to look for a new man. However, I doubt she will do that now without really thinking over the consequences of her actions. I pray that you (or she) will never, ever have to experience this pain again.
You will be able to soften towards her....b/c she is going to need you to hold her....I know that from my personal "withdrawal experiences". But, don't be her doormat. By that I mean to hold her feet to the fire like you said you were going to do with the phone bill checking, etc. I hope you will be careful not to treat her like a child (as you said) b/c that is how I felt my H was treating me and it made me act a lot worse b/c I rebelled. You are right by taking it a day at a time. I hope you can "reward" her in some way by letting her see that she has been "good" and that the "pay off" is worth it. How you do that will be up to you. But, I know with me (an almost WAW) I am working at being "good" and praying that we will make a go of our M. We need to see some encouragment to help us during the depression and withdrawal period. That will feel unfair to you b/c of what she has put you through, but I think you must still love her and can do that to help her. BTW, I like those authors you mentioned....they are really good.The information from the Marriage Builders web site is great.
Good luck and keep up the good work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
