Wedding band now gone, hers that is -

[lester]

I agree with NewHorizons and whatis. I hate to ever recommend pulling the plug but if she was getting drunk and beating the crap out of the kids the decision wouldn't be so hard would it? You are clearly in an unhealthy R and for both you and the kids it really is time to get your ducks in a row and move ahead on your own.

Remember, DB is not a suicide pact.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi guys,

So we have a triple 'time to pull the plug' vote? I can mail off the D papers tomorrow and present that fact to her when I am back in Sweden (just in the States for work). That is the only formality that remains - the financial stuff being in progress (changing beneficiaries on things, accounts) and I am told a job offer in another country is coming in a few weeks too.

What a lot of stuff to happen when you turn 50!

Luke

[whatisis]

Happy Birthday Luke! Ya think maybe she'll give you the opera tickets as a BD gift?

[LuckyLuke]

Hola Whatisis,

No no - not quite yet - BD is in December, but all this is coming down the pike around the same time... still enjoying the last days of being 40...

Luke

[whatisis]

Me too, Luke. I hit the big 50 in March. Single and 50, seems like a dream come true, doesn't it? NOOOOOO!

[Dr LOve]

Luke & Whasisis,

I turn 50 in Febuary. I look at it as a Fine Wine.

SpendingMy b day in VEGAS

[whatisis]

Remember, what happens in Vegas...gets reported in detail here on the board! That's the rule...so I hear

[LuckyLuke]

Ola,

Found a good book on turning 50, btw, '50 things to do when you turn 50', and the new Alan Alda book sounds good too. Can hardly wait for my colonoscopy and writing my will...

Just don't take anything incurable home from Vegas -

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Hi again,

So what do you think, should I file for D before the big 'either we work on it or we split' talk? Filing before would certainly have shock value, but seems somewhat like hanging the prisoner before sentence is passed, doesn't it? (Probably) filing after seems more decent... but she hasn't been the ideal W for a while either...
Filing is cheap in Sweden, 50$ or so, with no lawyers needed, and it is revocable during the think it over period, probably 9 months (so the kids can finish school), so no bridge burning there, just showing I am serious.
The majority vote will win - thanks -
Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Hi again, finally,

So we just had the big talk, with her proposing for the sake of the kids that she and I be 'friends living together', but with lovers on the side, both 'free'. That we should keep the house until I find a new woman, and then reconsider. She also said that she had never loved me, never respected me as a man, and that counseling could never help fix this.

I said, fine, okay, well then, that means we can D? She said, fine, go ahead and file for D. I asked if she knew that this meant I no longer had to be financially support her at all, that the only money I would want to spend on the house is that which made it more valueable, at which point she called me an a-hole and walked out, back to her work room (adjacent to mine, with no door between, where she is now).

Of course I don't want to hurt the kids - at all - and this arrangement, which would be explained to the kids, is her way of protecting them, and I suppose, maintaining a nice living situation for a bit longer. Can you come up with a good counterargument or two, why divorced, but living together for the sake of the kids, with lovers on the side, is a bad idea? She found me hopelessly old-fashioned, found my oath of loving her till death do us part ridiculous.

The big questions are whether to file now, whether to leave my daughter here over fall break so she can't have a liaison, and whether to accept this 'modern' moral standard. Leaving my daughter here as a chaperone feels wrong - does it to you too?

Luke, married 22 years, kids D 9 and son 13