Hi - I think that there has to be individual and couples counselling, ideally with the same C. That is what my C recommends.
My C thinks that my h may have been sexually abused as a child and completely repressed it. This is actually possible, as there is a padophile in my h's family [only learnt that about 10 years ago! and not sure if h's mom knows this.
I think many of them do have intimacy issues, that can be sexual as well. Do come and post and vent. You sound like a person I would like to get to know. There are so many great people on these boards.
I remeber reding somewhere on teh MLC resources that if they come back 'too soon' whatever that means, and don't complete the journey then they may well run again, causing even more heartbreak. My hs has tried to come home 4 tims now, and each time he lasted 3-4 weeks. I knew right away he wasn't ready, but provided him with a safe haven while he regrouped, because I care about him, even though he is behaving like a sh*t.
Don't know if he will ever come back, but I know I can live my life with or without him. Barbiedoll posted elsewhere today that we have to complete ourselves as well. She said that the song about needing someone to make you complete annoyed her. I agree.
Bruce - I think MLCers know and don't know, if that makes sense. I think they are aware of what they are doing on one level, but don't connect emotinally with their actions.
I would question what her therapist is doing however. My C likes limited contract, objective based sessions for specific times, and then a review.
While it is good to reflect, remembe3r that we can never really know what is oging on inside another person's head, certainly on a day to day basis [We get clues about the wider issues from time to time].
Remember what an emotional rollercoaster you are on yourself dealing with this person, and their fallout. She is in the eye of the storm!
You are doing well, and sound like a great guy. Remeber that you need boudnaries, and don't let her walk all over you. MLCers are no respecters of people, for all they want respect themselves!!
Thanks for your support; I struggle with whether I'm being a doormat by letting her spend a bunch of money (we're not insolvent by any means, but the storm is on the horizon at the current spending pace) or whether it's the right thing to do. Let her have some "fun" and keep working on myself. All her spending is on herself, of course, and I get angry with myself sometimes for being fiscally conservative right now. I am driving two hours to a different airport next week to save $175 on a ticket. WAW wouldn't care one damn bit about that if she were in my shoes. If I were spending at her pace, however, we really would be in trouble right NOW.
I've asked several friends, and will ask my therapist next week, but let me ask you or anyone who cares to jump in. Should I just try to talk to her about money (this seems sincere to me; above-board, etc.), or should I just assume this woman won't want to hear any talk of fiscal restraint because it looks like I'm trying to cut her off of her fun (which is what I think she perceives the situation to be). Thus, if we do get to a dangerous point, I would unilaterally move money out of our joint account, direct my paycheck to that account, and cut her off of the credit cards that are primarily in my name. That strikes me as underhanded, but maybe it's necessary for financial reasons but also as an assertive act by me. In therapy I've concluded that I have been too passive in expressing my wishes with her throughout our marriage (old fear of conflict from childhood). Money is one of my great fears--my family has none. Hers is wealthy. Thus, I fear that many years of savings could, over the next few months, be wiped out by her spending.
She's giving me no sign, not surprisingly, on the R. She's stone cold. I've tried a few times to tease her out by saying I'm here to talk anytime she wants, but for the most part I'm respecting her desire for space like a good DBer.
It's agonizing sometimes to wrestle with whether the passive approach is just what the situation calls for for now, or whether I'm being too soft. Maybe I need to just say "No more."?????? Maybe I should act and just not give a damn what she thinks about it. I'm sure she'd be surprised by a unilateral movement of funds and a cutting off of credit cards.
Your point about knowing and not knowing seems apt. I go to the house to pay bills and mow the lawn. She is never there. I see, though, that for the first time in our history she's opening the bank statements and credit card bills.
Thanks for this thread. You folks are wonderful! So glad I have found this place.
Hi, I would tell her pleasantly and firmly that you can afford x amount of expenditure, and ask her if she can agree to limit herself to that. Try and get her invovled in this, but I do recognise that there is often something in the MLCbrain that appears to defy rational discussion. If she doesn't want to know, then tell her, again pleasantly [broken record, keep saying it] what you will have to do to protect the financial situation.[Though possibly not about unilaterlly moving money out of the joint account] Then you are not being underhand.
This is where DBing principles can be useful, both in demonstrating a 180 change [moving from passive to active] and also in not getting into an argument. Just state your position.
So many people hwere get angry and yell. It seldom does any good, and particuarly not with a MLCer who appears to thrive on drama.
Easier said than done. But whatever you don't sit by and notact because of upsetting her. Avoid unnecessary arguments and accusations, but where you ned to make a stand, makeone. As Snodderly has said elsewhere, in setting boundaries choose your fights wisely. Protecting financial assets seems to be such a fight.
Thanks for your support here and on my thread. Very interesting what you mention about possible incident in his past. I have wondered many times that something like this might have occurred. I always felt H was hiding something and whatever it was triggered his drinking, which started as a teenager.
In all these years, H has never been able to discuss why he started drinking, just says it's genetic (but of course never made the connection of who's genes - never admitted anyone else might have a problem until very recently). But his self medicating seemed to start very early, and he seemed to drink as another form of running away.
H also does not show much emotion, or facial expression, and is very passive-aggressive. His family certainly looks perfect from the outside but I think both parents were emotionally absent, and all 5 kids were expected to just follow a pattern and never, never cause any kind of upset for MIL. They have an entire family history of keeping things from MIL, they say so they don't have to hear her bring it up forever after.
Interesting comment about AA Step 8-Amends. H started drinking again about 10 years into our M, and then went into full blown MLC about a year after new sobriety. I always thought the drinking was part of his MLC. I was with him through all of it and his medical problems, but H has never performed this amends step explicitly for me. H seems to have a pathological aversion to thanking me for anything, or believing that any of these things were really difficult for me to deal with. Believe me, I have never acted like I expected any thanks.
H seems to be constantly searching for an answer to something. In some of his writings that I've seen, he seems to always be trying to overcome some kind of 'fear'.
This is a great thread. Yes, we all do a lot of speculating why they are the way they are, but as long as it doesn't prevent us from moving forward, it's interesting. When I'm in a down mood, I sometimes think that the MLC theories are self-delusional crap. But I also saw so much of it hold true, I'm willing to suspend final judgment.
Angelica - 4 times? My heart aches for you.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
It is weird how many of them are passive agressive. As I said, if you read Silent Sons, you will see it is classic coping mechanism.
After the first touch and go, which hurt me badly, I realised immediately that he wasn't through Replay, bu needed a safe haven. He has always been there for me, and I am for him, if he needs me. I am not a masochist, but recognise this is a process that some get through, and others don't. If he does come out of it I would like him to be my friend at some future point [not now: he isn't capable of friendship, and I don't want him as a friend at present - still too raw]..
My h's family, in terms of achievement looks fabulous - all professional, all successful . . . . good looking, no drugs, prison sentences, drinking, drug. Pefect Grandchildren too . . . The grandchildren think the whole family situation is sick - not just my kids, but their cousins.
They are very fond of their grandmother [h's father is dead], but can see the dysfunctionality of their respective parents.
