W called this morning before she went to work, to talk to our S's before she starts her day. She then called back, first to tell me she finally got a package my mother had sent her for her birthday last week (just a a b'day card and a few books W had left behind during our visit in July. Then to make a comment about my C session tomorrow. She just said she agreed that we should never talk about C or R within earshot of S6. I was trying to be first to end the call at that point -- I certainly was trying to avoid the direction her conversation was going.
She said she hoped that the C (who had tried to be our MC) could shed more light on his reference to Hosea, as she felt any anaolgy to Hosea's wife did not really fit her or our situation. I paused for a moment, trying to consider my words, and said "I am sorry this really bothers you. I will inquire wih him when I see him, since I am not sure myself." And then again, I tried to break off the conversation. But she continued by saying she really hoped I would, because she was considering using him for her IC, and she would like to think he had a better understanding of her position than that advice to me suggested. She continued to say that in the two solo session she had with him that she thought he was very good at asking the right questions to allow her to better understand herself and her past motivations. She said she felt he had really helped the two us to better understand the issues that has caused our marriage to fail and to understand better how to communicate in raising our S's. She said that if he really thought W was on a parallel with Gomer, Hosea's wife, it would really change how she thought of him, since W thinks of herself as nothing like that (i.e., an unfaithful whore of a wife).
I am in agony by this point. I want to break it off so badly, but she's left this pregant pause for me to reply, and I am fighting to come up with the right words to get me out of this, but i also don't want to be seenas running and hiding back in my shell again, the very behavior she has had a problem with. I said, "We're talking about the R again. With S6 sitting right next to me."
She continued, saying something about she was never unfaithful to me while we were married <Huh?! WTH?!!!>. She said that I was the one who broke our vows first when I failed to "love, honor and cherish" her early on. She went further to say that I had broken my vows over the last 16 years. She said she never did anything unfaithful until I killed the marriage, implying what she's been up to was not adulterous since, in her mind, the marriage was already over by then!
I can't tell you how this chills me to the bone to hear such rationalizations coming from her lips. I was being very, very calm and quiet with her, but I was (am) seethingly angry and hurt. I was thinking to myself, "You are one sick and twisted soul right now, aren't you?"
After another pregnant pause, I said, "You don't have to explain this to me. I am not the One you will have to try to explain this to some day."
I told her that her participation in the MC'ing was a sham, that she had only been going through the motions. She tried to say that she never said it was for MC, but so she I could get along and learn to better raise our S's. I told her she has wasted my time, and she can see an IC if she wants to but I am not trading C information with her anymore. As far as I am concerned there was no MC at all because she had never allowed for any possibility of reconciliation.
I said I will do as I see fit, and she can do as she sees fit. She then snidely said that she doesn't need my permission. I said, "No, and I don't need yours either."
I told her goodbye and ended the call.
I feel like I am living in a Twilight Zone episode.
I really fear for my W's mortal soul more and more each day -- and this is so very agonizing for me to witness. I do see every time I talk to her the wisdom in further detaching, but I am still very, very concerned for how all this will play out for my poor S's.
I am praying so very much, for my family and for my wife's poor lost soul.
