update. h came and I had the kids all packed and ready to go, but he was in no hurry at all. kept chatting about the kids and such, hanging around, finally I started getting myself ready for the gym. he changed their plans to going into boston instead of the beach and again asked if I would like to come. looked sincere. I thanked him, said some other time, that I had plans. he asked what they were, I wouldn't elaborate. he only got vaguely annoyed by that, I think he accepted it. a few minutes later he picked up our house phone and ran thru the caller id history...thought that was funny, I didn't comment. he really thinks I'm seeing someone. lol. he did not pick up my cell, though. which I now keep cleared of caller history, anyway. partly for my own privacy, partly because, well, its fun to bug him.
he tried to pull me into his arms again, I moved away and started getting my shoes on. he went to change the carseats and I kissed the kids goodbye and headed outside to get going. we did talk for a bit. asked me if I knew just how f-ed up in the head he is, that he needed to get into therapy again. I told him I knew he was f-d up in the head, trust me, I got that loud and clear, and said I thought therapy with his old therapist or with a new one was a good idea. I do think it is.
he kept trying to hold me, I let him for half a second and felt my body respond like it was freaking pavlov's dog to a dinner bell, so I pulled away and said I couldn't do it. that it is was too hard for me, that it wasn't good for me. he kept saying this all was hard for him, too. and he asked why I wouldn't let him, or why I thought us being together (sexually) was a bad idea. and I told him straight out, i didn't think turning my h into a f-buddy was a good idea. he was a bit wounded by that comment, but I pointed out that he was with another woman, living with another woman (he denied that, he still denies it, the liar...or maybe because he doesn't even have a drawer he doesn't think he's living with her).
I did say two other things...I told him straight out when I said it was a bad idea for us to even hug that I still respond to him too much. he said he still responds to me, obviously. he kept smelling my hair....it was very odd, almost. way too cozy for my own good. it just seems like he doesn't quite know what he wants, that he's still a mess...not surprising because he is doing no work to get out of the mess his head is in. the second thing I said which probably wasn't smart was that I wish if when we did what we did last sunday, we had had more time. this was not an invitation for another encounter, mind you, just a bit of regret. If I had to go there, wish I had had the time to do it longer. I don't know, 4 or 5 hours, lol. really scratch that itch.
bonus is next week. I've been afraid all along that when bonus comes, the next day I would be served divorce papers. now I'm not so sure. who knows. I'm going to put it aside for now and see where things go. I do wonder if the bloom is off the rose with ow. whatever, I'm going to just keep living my life, GAL, and all that. I am not going to sucumb to his charm....and oh, how charming he can be. I'm just going to let things lie for a bit.
well, off to live my life. and lol, mk, about lbs rule, op drool.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
