"I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I just can't seem to stop myself!"
If I had a nickel for every time I said that to myself...
So how do we get stuck doing dumb things over and over again?
If you're in the habit of "stuffing" your emotions, placating other people, and feeling that your wants are less important than everyone else's, you can't keep up that sort of "sacrificing" all the time. Sooner or later you must do something for yourself. But if you don't have a good sense of what you want, or you don't feel that you have a right to it, you'll gravitate to anything that feels good, or even anything that distracts you from your discontent that you're deliberately trying not to know anything about. And, since you don't have a right to it, and especially if you know it's something dumb that those other people you're trying to please would be upset about, you don't know when you'll get to do it again without them knowing about it, so you overdo it as much as you can get away with. All the while knowing that it's even more stupid, but it's better than letting "them" take away one of your precious few pleasures, which they would in a heartbeat because they're in control and you don't have the right to have any pleasures of your own apart from them. And they find out about it, and they get upset, because chances are it is something dumb and possibly self-destructive, and you are overdoing it and neglecting other responsibilities and so on, and you get resentful when they find out about it and try to take it away from you, and you wonder how you're going to stand living another day without the dumb thing that you know you should give up but can't quite figure out how to do without and not go crazy.
And sometimes you try to do better, but as soon as they turn their backs, you go right back to it, trying to perform for them when they're paying attention and doing the same dumb thing that brings you distraction every single minute you can steal from the performance you're putting on... including minutes you should be spending preparing for or handling responsibilities that no one is standing over you and watching you do.
This is a recipe for a wasted life and a lot of unhappy people.
The solution is not more of the same trying to stuff your own desires in a misguided effort to "fight" the temptation and summon more self-discipline. The solution is to accept that you count too, that you have the right to openly attend to your own wants and needs regularly, and that others who object are being unreasonable. This doesn't mean that you have the right to go hog-wild at everyone else's expense like you've been constantly tempted to do, only that you get your turn right along with everyone else and you can happily be reasonable about it because you know that another chance to make yourself happy will be along in the not-too-distant future, and another chance, and so on. And you don't need distraction, because you're not trying to ignore your emotions or your situation or anything else... you're fully awake and paying attention to yourself and your suroundings and enjoying it. So, in my case, I do not bring work home, I don't use it as an excuse to steal some time for myself that ends up being hours and hours of doing everything but work, and I do insist that I get my time to play by myself and then I spend other time taking care of my responsibilities and spending time with the family and enjoying it because it's not taking away precious stolen moments for myself that I don't know when I'll get to steal again.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
