Hugs to you my friend as I went online today and saw your post first thing. I really appreciate you giving me you feedback..xoxo
You know, I had a feeling a lot of you out there wondered more about my sitch than I was revealing. So many of my posts are pep talks, on how to move on and I didn't want any of you to think for one moment I didn't stand for my M.
The hardest part was WANTING to stand for my M when I knew that our relationship was toxic. I came from a family that you stood by through thick and thin (Norwegian stock rolled with the punches. I do think had I had more of a sense of self from 1999 on I would have demanded counseling and/or a separation as to the stunt my then H pulled with my former best friend.
So, when I pulled my set away from the dysfunctional cycle of validation I so desperately sought from him,I realized he was not a healthy man. Mentally.
I started to see him acting like his dad who was a drop on the floor alcoholic and abusive to his step mother. That is what XH was running from when I met him. Then, all of a sudden, he became that very person. All the stuff you read about in psych books..Freud would have a FIELD DAY!
Many, many times I had friends tell me they didn't understand why I didn't kick him out prior to the bomb. He traveled alot (electively) competimg in a winter sport and was never home. During the summer he was busy making up for lost time with his business. Always running.
Since I divorced him, despite his CRAZY R with the OW, he is a different person. He is still his defensive self when I try to discuss things with him..As he slams a few four letter words my way. (and it brings me down a road that I thought I had forgotten about) However, he has gone to T. He has seen that his path has destroyed many people. He has spent more quality time with the kids. He has apologized over and over.
I wish I could erase all the awful memories from my brain but I can't..That is what I do struggle with here and there as I want to forgive and forget. I have forgiven him. I cannot forget but I guess that is good sometimes. It is because of those times I was so low that I can understand the world better, be more sympathetic to a friend in need, tell my friends "I have been there." Prior to my M, I feel as though I hadn't been through many challenges in life so I wasn't as prepared as I thought for the real world.
Bam,
Hey you..I am so proud of you, you know that? Going back to school! YAY Going back for your Masters! DOUBLE YAY Getting your own home! TRIPLE YAY Keeping it all together!! QUADRUPLE YAY
Listen to me..Your H is simply spewing sh** at you as his critical eye feels better when he can attack you. If he can bring you down you are at his level. If he can bring you down it justifies why he left. That is what they do!
XH did the whole late thing with me, too. He conveniently forgot all the times I offered to get the kids from him when I didn't have to, etc. All this is the reason I had to split with him. He used to go to the washing machine and swipe and index finger over it and say to me "don't you clean the soap off of this EVER?" You are such a f-ing slob"..nice, huh?
He reminded me of the guy on that Julia Roberts movie that opened the kitchen cabinets to make sure all the can labels were facing in the right directions. XH turned to me one day while we were watching it and said, "I see nothing wrong with that?"
I was like, "WTF? Is that a reason to rip apart someones soul with stabbing words if one label is off? I don't think so".
Well, Bam, I sure hope you have a wonderful day..As for the soccer dad..that is great you have someone to talk to and that gives you hope that there are nice guys out there!
rolled with the punches. I do think had I had more of a sense of self from 1999 on I would have demanded counseling and/or a separation as to the stunt my then H pulled with my former best friend.
