Tucson or Bust, part 3

[fearless]

As I look at all the comments over the past few days bashing MrsHD, I find a lack of understanding and compassion is notably absent. Only Corri seems to get it.

While I don't think I was stressing empathy toward Mrs. HD, I also don't think I bashed her AT ALL. I just pointed out that her fears and feelings feel real to her even if they are crazy to all of us. Honestly I have no idea what to make of her because so much information about her that you all have is from before my time on this forum. To me it seems that if she truly believes that a man touching his wife in bed is wrong, then she must have some screwed up issues that need to be solved by a professional.

I just don't see how Hdog can "fix" her on his own (without her help AND professional help) whether he is kind, nurturing and empathetic or whether he calls her on her sh!t, takes a tough stance and pushes her. That's the trap I think it would help him to get out of. he cannot Nice Guy her into normal sexual behavior anymore than he can force her into it. What he can do is remove his self worth from from how she reacts. (From my own example about a fear of heights. Just because Raven can't get me to do something I am afraid of DOES NOT reflect on how much I love him, trust him and care for him. It reflects on something WITHIN ME. If he makes it about himself, it will only stress me out MORE and make me MORE uncomfortable. Does that make sense?)

What I think Hdog CAN do is to control himself better and not get caught in her issues and get manipulated by her. To avoid being manipulated he needs to feel stronger about himself. I am not even sure she's manipulating consciously or purposely. I just think she is attacking when she feels attacked and because Hdog is unsure of himself he is an easy target. Again I think it is craziness to think that your H cannot touch your breast or rub himself up to his wife in bed whether he or she are asleep or awake. I also don't believe that she is making up the fact that she DOES find it demeaning, insulting and uncomfortable for herself. It's not Hdog's fault that she feels this way and I don't think he needs to feel it's his fault. And that is where I think she is inappropriately pushing the blame onto him (and why wouldn't she do this? Why would you want to feel that YOU are the messed up one? Much better to push the fault onto someone else.) That's why I think his way of addressing it is going to need to be with some professional help.

IF he decides that looking up a Sex Therapist is the way to go, I would stress to her that this issue is that he wants to ML to her because he LOVES AND RESPECTS her and he feels that if she doesn't feel that ML conveys those feelings then THEY need help from someone outside. He does NOT (granted I am assuming :)) want to make her feel uncomfortable or like a two-bit whore when they ML. He wants her to feel loved, respected, cherished and desired by her H. So obviously if she does get those feelings then something is wrong BETWEEN them. Yes of course it's easy for all of us to see it probably is mostly her issue but in reality because they are married and her feelings are getting in between them, in the end it is THEIR issue and should be solved that way.

Again my opinion is NOT that Hdog should pander to her or give in to her but it's also not that he can control her or fix her and letting go of that feeling should be empowering to him. And I really do believe that he is lacking in that feeling of empowerment. And IMO I don't think "not giving a sh!t" is true empowerment. it just feels better than caring too much but in reality it's just a the flip side of giving too much power to her.

Again for a personal example. With Raven I obviously care a lot about him. Yet there are times when I have to do things that are best for me but might not be what he wants (and vice versa!) Of course I don't "not give a sh!t" what he thinks and yet I still do what I need to do for myself. Because I care for him and yet still hold my ground, BOTH of us are ultimately OKAY. IF I had to "not give a sh!t" about him in order to do what I need to, I don't think I would be strong at all. I think I would be doing that because I was too weak to accept the fact that sometimes you have to disappoint people in order to take care of yourself. And if you are strong, you can show your feelings of caring while you do what you need to do. I've done this with my parents, family members, friends, work, etc. and typically even when I do things that let others "down" everyone seems to be able to "forgive" me and move on.

FWIW. Again I am more about solutions rather than being right. I don't really care whether Ms Hdog is "wrong"; I care more about making their marriage whole given that Ms Hdog is Hdog's choice for a wife and the mother of their child.