H is IT consultant. H had been with ex-wife 10 years. She wanted to D. H said that he tried everything to stop D. Counselling etc. it didn’t work. H found new girl friend within weeks. She was 10 years older. He split up with her after 3 years. She was recovering from hysterectomy. 2 months later he met me. H put a photo of us kissing in his hall. His ex still had to come to the house to deal with her cats. She was very upset with the photo (quite rightly). H was very business-like with ex. They mainly had email contact. H had wanted to live “a life less-ordinary” with ex. Go abroad, voluntary work etc. She didn’t want to. H had tried to make her “happy”. She loved animals and so with H’s financial help she got low paid job at vets. She hated it and left.
Within 2 months we were living in Belgium. Unreasonable anger showed within weeks but he always apologised beautifully and was truly sorry. I loved the financial security, his honesty, reliability and his “responsible, caring” nature. I felt looked after. I had previously lived with someone who took very little responsibility and was unfaithful. H was very romantic. Surprise gifts, trips abroad to luxury hotels, hot air ballooning over Alps. He was always telling me how much he loved me.
H sold his house in the UK. Friends very surprised. It had been his “project” for last few years. He had been very proud of it. The project was incomplete but H sold it very suddenly. We bought a house by the sea in Turkey and poured our hearts and souls into creating a beautiful place to live. We lived there and H tried to find more “meaningful” work. Married 2 years later. Fairytale wedding. First child born a year later (planned). I stayed in Turkey during pregnancy and taught. H had to return to UK and work in IT again as no work found in Turkey. Moved back to UK for winter so could be together as family. H becoming increasing critical. Then returned to Turkey. H still looking for meaningful job. H decided wanted to have a life involved with sailing. Suddenly we had a boat. H had to borrow money on my house in the UK to buy it. Debts slowly mounting up. H got IT job in Dubai. I joined him with D and pregnant again (planned). Stayed in Dubai for 6 months. H hated it. He hated the job and the place. Couldn’t really explain why. Complained that I was too clingy and dependent. Blamed myself but with hindsight can see that it wasn’t true. I discovered that he’d been looking at porn on the internet. He said that he would stop. I believe he did. Suddenly H decided that he couldn’t stand Dubai any longer and we bought a new house in the UK and moved back here. We now owned 2 houses, 3 cars and a boat. Had lived in 4 countries, 6 different houses, had married and had 2 children in 5 years. He raved about the new location and house for a few weeks. Then he got an IT job about 2 hours away. We really needed the money. He stayed away 3 nights a week. Our S was born. 8 weeks later H announced he’d like to go sailing in Turkey with a male friend. I wasn’t very keen (very tired) but said yes. The trip grew in length and then it became a holiday with H taking 6 friends including 3 women. I was very upset and angry. H said that I didn’t want him to be happy. I felt so guilty that I said he should go. While he was away I became bitter and angry again. H spent the trip apologising to me on the phone. Said afterwards that he loved me but that I had ruined his trip and that my anger had caused what came next.
3 weeks later H told me ILYBNILWY. We could stay together for the sake of the kids but he couldn’t promise what the future would bring. I did all the wrong things. He then told me that he didn’t love me and saw no future for us. He said that I had never been happy with him. That I had never wanted a H. He would be fully committed to kids and support me as their mother. That we should separate. I read DR. Acted AS IF but with back sliding. If I get emotional, angry, talk about the R etc. H repeats that he doesn’t love me and never will. He repeats that he wants me to be happy and that if I am only pretending to be happy then it makes him feel awful. That he doesn’t want to come to the house if I am only pretending. I must be truly happy. H said that he wants to find OW with kids of her own so that she understands him. H said that one day we could all (kids, H, me and OP’s) go on holiday together to our house in Turkey (he is now saying he doesn’t care about the house as it’s only a place and places are not important). H is coming home less and less although he still stays at the weekends. Initially he was happy to stay in the house with me (even in the same bed), he talked about future plans for our new house and did chores, but he is now worried about heavy R talks if he stays here too much and he doesn’t want to come across as ambiguous and confusing . I started to post on the DB Newcomers forum (H managed to log on as me and read all my posts so he knew I was acting).
H is still frequently critical, short-tempered/unreasonably angry or annoyed with me as he has been for quite a long time now. At times he cries (songs, our D crying or me crying can trigger it), He quickly suppresses it. He has been doing searches on the internet for the “best place in Britain to live”. He has been obsessing about his teeth. He goes to IKEA nearly every week even when he doesn’t need to buy anything (in Dubai he wanted to go there all the time too) He didn’t/doesn’t have OW (I am positive) but I think he is looking. H admitted that he has been snappy with work colleagues. He went mad when I tried to call him at work (I was very upset). He wasn’t at his desk but became very angry when he discovered that I had tried to call him when I was very emotional.
I have been thinking and reading without stop these past weeks (and dying inside). I started to read the MLC/depression advice posts. There are so many things that fit. I know that I have issues that I must deal with (low libido, sulking and in the past few months letting H’s criticisms make me angry in front of our D). I have been beating myself up about these things until my MC said that our R breakdown wasn’t my fault. Our children are so young and love him dearly, as do I. Does this sound like a MLC or am I trying to put all the blame on my H? Please help me, knowledge really is powerful and has been helping me through this but maybe I am wrong??
Sorry about the length of this first post!
Me:40 Him:42 2 children:D 2 years old, S 4 months old Married:3 years, together 5 years Bomb: 26 July 2007
Honey, sorry to find you here. And this is very much MO. I am no specialist.
MLC isn't about apportioning blame. It is recognition that the person you are with is going through a crisis, which they may or may not resolve.
From what you say your h appears to be a serial monogamist with what seem to me narcisisitic personality traits. He moves from woman to woman, seemingly incapable of long term attachment, moving on when bored, and blaming the women in his life for the failure of relationships. Or am I being harsh. Right now he is behaving like someone in MLC, I agree, but he seems to have been behaving like this for years!!
When things were good with your h, in what way were they good? You talk about 'unreasonable anger' and 'beautiful apologies'. Sounds like classic emotional abuse! Was it a relationships of equals? Do you believe his story about his first marriage now.
Personally I am always uneasy about love at first sight, and people who apparently cannot live without relationships. Your h is alreaady planning his next r!!!! He has two previous wives, a serious girlfriend between the marriages and children.
This is so hard for you, and if I sound brutal I am sorry. If you believe it is MLC and decide you want to stand for your marriage, then I will not undermine that, but I wonder if you have something more than MLC going on here?
I am not an expert, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. First, you ask if this is MLC. I don't know, but I can see where you might see some of the signs. My first reaction is that he never really got over his first wife. My second thought is that he is looking for things to keep him away from you. But you should seek a professional to help you work through this maze and find some answers to your question.
Quote:
Within 2 months we were living in Belgium. Unreasonable anger showed within weeks but he always apologised beautifully and was truly sorry. I loved the financial security, his honesty, reliability and his “responsible, caring” nature. I felt looked after. I had previously lived with someone who took very little responsibility and was unfaithful. H was very romantic. Surprise gifts, trips abroad to luxury hotels, hot air ballooning over Alps. He was always telling me how much he loved me.
This was still the honeymoon period. We men can be charming MFs during that time. (Invective used to show the duality of man while pitching woo.) Unfortunately, after the honeymoon, where we have done our best to put forth our best, we revert back to the norm which can show a less flattering side.
While I can't say exactly where his head is, but he is running away. Is it MLC? Again, I don't know. But it is entirely possible, he made a mistake and you were the lucky one to get caught in the middle. His unreasonable anger early on sure seems to show this. But again, talk to someone more experienced than us on this board.
My ex said she wasn't happy for a long time. I asked her why she had two children with me (my sons came during the 7th and 10th years of our marriage). She said she thought it would make a difference. Part was looking for a change in me. Part was looking in a change to her feelings. So what do I know. The only ppoint is perhaps your H thought having a children could make a difference in his feelings for you. I don't know.
As for your final questions, your H, MLC or not, carries blame here. Also, you were in the relationship and it takes two to tango so you still have to examine yourself and your role. It could be something simple like overlooking the unreasonable anger. Perhaps he really wasn't as honest and reliable as you thought at the beginning.
Again, this is just from reading a quick blurb here. (And the fact that it was lengthy in your eyes is good because you had to tell the story.)
The DB book is very good. But go see someone more skilled in these matters. It could be a psychologist. It could be a minister. The wisdom and knowledge that I received in my face-to-face meeting has stuck with me much more than any advise I received here. Of course, the friendships I have made here have enhanced my life.
On re-reading it, it all seems very crazy and that I have been mad to go along with it all. However it never seemed like that at the time and even my very grounded mother and sister say that they would never have believed H to behave as he is doing now.
I wasn't very clear in my post about the R's H had before me. He was married only once before and then had one girlfriend before meeting me. I think that he is searching for happiness that we all know doesn't exist externally. That's why he was quick to find a new R. When we met he really wanted to change his life, to dress differently, to live somewhere different and to find a new career. When the unreasonable anger reared it's head he went to a therapist (after discussing it with me). He really wanted to change. However the therapist went on maternity leave after a few weeks and H didn't like her replacement so left.
I think that we were best friends and truly loved one another. I am sure H no longer loved his first wife but whether he grieved properly I am not so sure. He went into another R very soon after their separation which I guess would have stopped the grieving process? I know that his self esteem was badly knocked.
H is controlling (I realize that now) and always wants to sort out others problems (mine especially) I have done some reading on it. He came from a dysfunctional family. His mother had affairs from day one of her marriage and then became an alcoholic. Control and fixing others problems are some of the symptoms of Adult Children of Alcoholics. H was sent away to boarding school when he was 11 and a year later his parents divorced. H tried to help his mother financially (as long as she would stop drinking) until about 10 years ago. He then stopped seeing her and lost contact with her and that side of his family.
6 days after our D was born she had to go into intensive care. Initially we thought she may die and then we were told that she may have brain damage. 2 years later we have the all clear. H was far more pessimistic about it all than me and never believed me when I tried to reassure him. 2 months after her birth H tried to contact his mother to tell her about the birth of his D. His mother had died 2 months previously and no one had told him. H cried a little but didn't really discuss it with anyone. We then had our second child 4 months ago. These incidents fit into the 2 year time frame leading up to the bomb being dropped. Yes, I believe there were problems before such as the unreasonable anger but they were not as apparent or frequent as they have been in the last year or so.
I agree what you have said in another post, Angelica, about understanding our spouse helping us come to terms and deal with the crisis. The more I read, the more compassionate and less "emotional", I can become. It's still incredibly hard though, this is only 6 weeks on and I have to see H each week, not discuss the R and our problems, act AS IF and GAL, examine my role in the R, as well as looking after the children.
I have to hope and ensure that what doesn't kill me will make me a better and stronger person on a higher emotional level.
I have just read the post that Snodderly wrote about masks. I think H has worn a "happy" mask since childhood and that his anger broke through it at times especially with those close to him. This often broke through as unreasonable anger, not sure why though?
At the moment H wears a very happy mask when with his S and D but drops it with me and his family. He also said that he is being irritable with his work colleagues, maybe it is starting to slip off there too.
Me:40 Him:42 2 children:D 2 years old, S 4 months old Married:3 years, together 5 years Bomb: 26 July 2007
Try to read some of the books that are posted on the resources thread if you can. One of the best ones is Silent Sons.
My only advice to you is not to get sucked into his crisis. This is his journey, and you can not save him from it and nor can you rush him through it. You are about to embark on your own journey. This is the time for you to do a little self analysis of your own. Take up a hobby. Work on your own issues. Come here to vent. There are many who have travelled this path before you and the majority of us have found our way through the madness, and have come out the other end quite happy and successful!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
