mk, I don't know your mom, but she's starting to scare me. I know my fear is silly, but I can't help but think that they will think she is more fun and such. I'm the one who makes them eat their veggies, clean their rooms, etc, etc. Weekends are already a junk food filled extravaganza for them. if/when ow is brought into the picture, I'm sure that will only get better and better.
but I'm mom. I'll always be mom. so hopefully the love I have for them, even if it means making them do stuff they don't want to do, will be enough.
oh, and yeah, I am up. and its freaking 3am. I was sleeping, S5 got up to pee (needs to let me know/be tucked back in) and I'm up worrying about some stuff. blech.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Catching up on your sitch. Thanks for visiting mine over the last few weeks. I have to develop your as if attitude; right now, I can't talk to my H at all or I go into R mode. So, silence is the current theme.
I know what you mean about worrying about the OW in the kids' lives. CW is stay-at-home and has known my kids since they were born. We have babysat for each other. All I can imagine is H thinking he can have this new Brady-bunch thing going on, with all 6 kids living happily ever after. And he was the one who didn't want any more kids so we could be free when retirement came!
In the newspaper that my D made at school, she wrote an article about how I was her hero. But she also put in a blurb about how CW's D is her best friend, and how they are like sisters. It really bothered me.
lwb, I did get to sleep, thanks. fitful, but I got some, at least.
donna, I'm so sorry that CW is so involved with D. that must be sooo hard. in a way its good to know I'm not alone with my images. I'm a SAHM, OW works...and has a huge income that can help provide a ton of fun for my kids. so yeah, I'm the cookie baker, but things are going to get tight around here if/when H and I divorce. I have this image of their house, complete with tennis courts, lol, while I'm in this tiny little shack trying to scrape by. both images are probably off by a lot, but its hard not to go there sometimes. trying to remember I'm the hero in my life, I don't want to be the victim of it. I am woman here me roar and all that.
as for my as if attitude, well, part of what helps that is I have limited our talks to the kids/business stuff. I do allow his job sitch talk because, since it affects us financially, I put it under business. but I don't discuss my personal life anymore, and I sure as hell don't want to hear about his (he still lies about it anyway, so why bother?)
are you still coming in october? hope you can make it!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Up until the revelation of the affair and him leaving, I was able to avoid R talks (to some extent) and just try to live. But it was like walking around on eggshells all of the time, and I put way too much into any small steps I thought I saw, only to be crushed over and over again with his reality. I was the one who asked him to leave to save my sanity.
But now I feel like I am going through serious withdrawal. I can manage ok when he is not around (although it is still on my mind way too often), but I am a mess when around him, or even talking on the phone.
He told me this past week that I have no concept of what "give it TIME" means. And he is right. I seem to live a week (or more) in each day. I am trying very hard to get the focus back on me, and hope that work and GAL will help with this. I also feel like I am a different person--I was so much stronger than this, before. Secure. But I guess that was the down-side: those feelings depending on an outside source. Now, I have to find them again from within.
as for h stuff, it is really hard. trust me, I do much better when H is not around at all. I breathe easier after he leaves when he is here (either to pick up or drop off the kids). once I set the ground rules about no discussions about personal life, and just accepted to myself that he was living with her, I did better (as long as they spend weekends at my mil's, that is). we do have an occasional R talk, which is fruitless at best. usually when I am freaked out/upset around here, its because of one of these. when things are just status quo, as much as they suck, I do better.
I know I am trying to stop guessing his motivations, but I think storyland was pretty much solidified, at least his asking me to go. I think he just doesn't want to deal with all 3 kids on his own anymore. its HARD. its WORK. and so far he has agreed to respect no OW around them, so he is stuck...unless he wants to ask his mom along or something.
he just called, he's on his way to get the kids. wasn't sure what he was going to do with them. its going to be a hot day so finally he said he figured he'd take them to the beach (I didn't ask any of this btw). He then asked what I was doing for the day. I was vague, said I had stuff to do (won't elaborate with him, none of his business). he asked if I wanted to come to the beach. I said no. honestly, I don't want to. I do have stuff to do, and playing happy family is just too hard right now. and since I do believe his motivation is simply for help, that is not good enough to sway me. I suppose possibly for company, but folks, he is LIVING with her, for all intents and purposes. I'm sorry, I can't be the OW in his life. He chose her, and until he is ready to let that go, I will pick and choose what I do with them based on what I want to do, not just to be there everytime he asks.
will that bite me in the ass? who knows. possibly. possibly he could go ahead and involve ow with them just for the second set of hands. and that would be a rotten thing to do. but I can't live my life jumping when he asks just to avoid that, either.
could he really miss me? really want to spend some time with me along, play that happy family? maybe. who knows.
but all these speculations are a slippery slope. enough.
going to have a good day today!
Last edited by morgan; 09/08/0712:50 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
hell yeah. he modeled stuff for me, like I was his mother, I guess, getting him ready for the damn prom.
When we were acting as if, my H would also show me what he was buying. I would stand at the dressing room and sound positive. What do they tell their OW. I went shopping all day with my wife and kids and my wife helped me pick out these shorts then my wife and my kids went out for dinner? C'mon.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
also something to think about, re: dating...he may just use it against you (she is doing it, too!) or he may finally release his guilt, whatever guilt he has, and it may help him move on even easier. it is a dicey game to play.
I agree. I just don't have the cojones to date but I can visualize myself with another person and that has never happened before. I only had eyes for my H, now I can see a much healthier person but the statistics against a second marriage are bad and I would not want to be disappointed by yet another hombre. I guess it is just for fun and Stopping My Divorce.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
could he really miss me? really want to spend some time with me along, play that happy family? maybe. who knows.
but all these speculations are a slippery slope. enough.
going to have a good day today!
Yes. He does miss you. It would be impossible for him not to miss what you had and the life you built. It won't bite you in the ass. He needs to purue you anyway. You have set up boundaries, now let him miss you more. It is good you are being mysterious. You have already shown him what a happy marriage can look like, Morgan. Be patient. Be positive. Keep his path clear but let him pursue you. I agree that there is trouble in OWville. There always is. You are not the OW. OP should fear us but they have esteem and morality issues. I think we need to se who has the real advantages. LBS rule, OP drool.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
update. h came and I had the kids all packed and ready to go, but he was in no hurry at all. kept chatting about the kids and such, hanging around, finally I started getting myself ready for the gym. he changed their plans to going into boston instead of the beach and again asked if I would like to come. looked sincere. I thanked him, said some other time, that I had plans. he asked what they were, I wouldn't elaborate. he only got vaguely annoyed by that, I think he accepted it. a few minutes later he picked up our house phone and ran thru the caller id history...thought that was funny, I didn't comment. he really thinks I'm seeing someone. lol. he did not pick up my cell, though. which I now keep cleared of caller history, anyway. partly for my own privacy, partly because, well, its fun to bug him.
he tried to pull me into his arms again, I moved away and started getting my shoes on. he went to change the carseats and I kissed the kids goodbye and headed outside to get going. we did talk for a bit. asked me if I knew just how f-ed up in the head he is, that he needed to get into therapy again. I told him I knew he was f-d up in the head, trust me, I got that loud and clear, and said I thought therapy with his old therapist or with a new one was a good idea. I do think it is.
he kept trying to hold me, I let him for half a second and felt my body respond like it was freaking pavlov's dog to a dinner bell, so I pulled away and said I couldn't do it. that it is was too hard for me, that it wasn't good for me. he kept saying this all was hard for him, too. and he asked why I wouldn't let him, or why I thought us being together (sexually) was a bad idea. and I told him straight out, i didn't think turning my h into a f-buddy was a good idea. he was a bit wounded by that comment, but I pointed out that he was with another woman, living with another woman (he denied that, he still denies it, the liar...or maybe because he doesn't even have a drawer he doesn't think he's living with her).
I did say two other things...I told him straight out when I said it was a bad idea for us to even hug that I still respond to him too much. he said he still responds to me, obviously. he kept smelling my hair....it was very odd, almost. way too cozy for my own good. it just seems like he doesn't quite know what he wants, that he's still a mess...not surprising because he is doing no work to get out of the mess his head is in. the second thing I said which probably wasn't smart was that I wish if when we did what we did last sunday, we had had more time. this was not an invitation for another encounter, mind you, just a bit of regret. If I had to go there, wish I had had the time to do it longer. I don't know, 4 or 5 hours, lol. really scratch that itch.
bonus is next week. I've been afraid all along that when bonus comes, the next day I would be served divorce papers. now I'm not so sure. who knows. I'm going to put it aside for now and see where things go. I do wonder if the bloom is off the rose with ow. whatever, I'm going to just keep living my life, GAL, and all that. I am not going to sucumb to his charm....and oh, how charming he can be. I'm just going to let things lie for a bit.
well, off to live my life. and lol, mk, about lbs rule, op drool.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
