Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

[OG_Lou]

DNH = Do no harm?

[Lillieperl]

Off topic: Mojo, have you seen the movie "Becoming Jane"? I don't know a lot about Jane Austen, nor have I read many of her books, so I'm wondering what a true Austen-ite thinks of the movie? Kett, if you're One of Them, I'd appreciate your comments, too. (I do plan to see it; it's on my Netflix list.)

[MJontheMend]

Im reallllly tired of women telling me Im a jerk, and that I should be dealing with things like a woman does, when Im doing my damndest to DNH. I dont approach, so Im not exhibiting. welll.... I dont approach, what should I do? push them down on the floor, scream EEEEKK a girl!!! and run away?

Paste this to your monitor: I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A JERK.

Obviously, the guy who really was a "jerk" would be a wolf dressed up like something more tame out bunny-hunting or something like that. What I would say about you is that you are acting like a hard*ss. Nothing wrong with acting like a hard*ss and nothing wrong with openly contracting with women who are acting like hard*sses themselves to have a minor f*ckfest with or without ice cream on top -lol. I'm just worried that you've been popping a bunch of diuretics before sex to enable you to dump all that vasopressin so efficiently.

There's something about men, or really, male sexuality that makes me cranky but I don't mean to take it out on you (I love you like the little brother who reads my diary and says obnoxious things but sometimes offers good advice.) Part of the reason I'm working on vulnerability is I hate getting the feeling that men are attracted to me when I am weak yet I like being pinned down. What's up with that? Probably it's my own sexuality that makes me cranky (sigh).

It's like this. When I go on a date for the most part I let the man open doors for me, feed me etc. Obviously, a woman who is 5'9" and does Denis Austin regularly can open her own doors. So that's why I'm saying that I am "letting" the man open the door. Basically, I'm going along with the romantic gender dichotomy that puts me in the role of "bunny". (OTOH, if I were to brownie-drop a man, I would be adopting the role of "cow" in relationship to him. NG was delighted that I made him tarts but it was very hard for me to do it because I view the "cow" part of my personality as very sexually unattractive now. And really I'm quite okay with this. Actually I'm pleased as punch with this after 19 years of what I had in my marriage.

When it comes to sex maintaining the dichotomy becomes more difficult because I have to ask myself do I want the man to f*ck me or make love to me (clearly a lot of encounters have a very mixed vibe and I don't necessarily consciously ask myself this question but I'm making a point here.)? In two of my dating books the male authors list behaviors that a man will exhibit during sex if he is "making love" to you vs. "f*cking" you. (The thing that struck me as odd was that apparently many men won't go down on women with whom they don't feel or want to feel emotional connection. IMO, either this is false or I have been much "loved") Now, you say you will "make love" to a woman because you are "in love" with her or simply because you are more consciously choosing to for some other reason. It's like the assumption is made that the woman is just lying there passively waiting to either be f*cked or made love to. Doesn't her signaling have a lot to do with the matter? If you brought home the girl who jumped you in the ice cream aisle and she suddenly went completely "bunny" on you as soon as her lumberjack shirt was removed, would you be able to f*ck her? OTOH, what if in some bizarro world you actually fall in love again with "some sweet in floral print" and she jumps your *ss like a monkey/lioness right after you're done holding hands and sharing a straw at the soda shoppe?

I do have a point. So let's say I'm making some sort of choice about my signaling "bunny" vs. "monkey". The problem is the "bunny" doesn't really have a sex drive. At best she is willing or responsive. So it is like an oxymoron to say "The bunny wants to have sex." Okay, that's not really true. The bunny does like to be "joined" with somebody. However, the bunny has no drive towards orgasm. So here's kind of what I'm thinking in terms of sexual vulnerability. A lot of women, even me to some extent, when they first start having sex rely on the man to arouse them and bring them to orgasm like it's their job ( kind of like Daddy pushing you around the block on your bike while you concentrate on not falling off). Then as you mature in sexuality you take more responsibility for your own arousal and orgasm (learn to ride the bike yourself, tandem, no hands, pop the wheelie!) When you want to be pinned down etc. it's kind of like you are wanting the responsibility to be forcibly taken off of your hands. You want to be rendered vulnerable or thrust back more into the feminine role while still getting the monkey excitement that will aid your arousal and orgasm. What I am thinking is that if I were feeling really confident about my arousability and orgasmic potential, I could just "let" the man take responsibility for my arousal/orgasm, kind of like how I might "let" him open the door on a date even though I'm perfectly confident of my ability to open a door, and in that way render myself sexually vulnerable yet not weak. I just wonder if I'm strong enough to pin my own *ss down. It might be freakin' hard to keep that monkey from kicking or stop the cow from somehow getting involved in the enterprise.

Dont worry about me falling 'in love' though, Im smart enough to know where it comes from. I know you will. *snort*

Yes, I am certain I will let myself fall in love again. I just haven't worked out the details - lol. Clearly, I am worried about you NOT "falling in love". I don't know if celibacy is the answer. Maybe I will try it too. You and I and BB can start a post-divorce BB celibacy club. If you want to make it more fun for my monkey we should make it a contest and have some money riding on it. Or we could mix up the contest and I lose if I fall in love before you have sex again. BTW- You need to remember that I am very impressionable to advice. I almost responded positively to this guy who wants to date me just because he's 6'5" and looks like a giant teddy bear. Luckily, I remembered what happens when you give a teddy bear to a monkey and the zoo keeper did the right thing.

The only reason you could play naughty school girl is if he thinks you are innocent. Other wise the dicohtomy and fantasy ceases to exist.

Interesting. I rarely feel very "innocent" when I think about playing naughty school girl. If one is naughty that implies a certain lack of innocence. OTOH, I do largely keep it in the fantasy realm due to my perception that my 42 year old knees wouldn't look all that "innocent" or, really, "youthful" in a little plaid skirt. Of course, one could purchase tights. Or maybe pretend that you were playing field hockey and you still have your knee pads on which, obviously, could add an interesting dimension to the game. Sometimes I am amazed by my own monkey ingenuity.

Your not a crybaby. Your a woman easily moved to tears. you feel, you emote, its over with. Nothing wrong with that.

I would bake you some cookies if you were my real little brother.

[Corri]

Mo:

Wow... I have never, ever, ever orgasmed while having sex with a man I am only casually dating.

... and even with my current bf, while in the delicious chemical phase, and I was, like... in a constant state of arousal.. I still couldn't/wouldn't O with him. And it was very good sex.

I can only O if I am willing to be vulnerable... and that covers any kind of sex you can think of... with any animal present, mine or his.

Does that mean I have, like, a petting zoo?

Corri

[LustForLife]

A lot of women, even me to some extent, when they first start having sex rely on the man to arouse them and bring them to orgasm like it's their job ( kind of like Daddy pushing you around the block on your bike while you concentrate on not falling off). Then as you mature in sexuality you take more responsibility for your own arousal and orgasm (learn to ride the bike yourself, tandem, no hands, pop the wheelie!) When you want to be pinned down etc. it's kind of like you are wanting the responsibility to be forcibly taken off of your hands. You want to be rendered vulnerable or thrust back more into the feminine role while still getting the monkey excitement that will aid your arousal and orgasm.

That's true! I always make the man do most of the work when I first have sex with them. Poor guys. Like it's their "job" lol. Come to think of it, some guys probably thought I was bad in bed because I didn't jump on top of them they way They might like. Like some porn star. But that is not very erotic to me. I like the man in control. This is probably why I have run into some sexual problems with H. He Does take control but I probably freak him out a little too.
Ah well, could be worse.

LFL

[Corri]

Mo and LFL:

I always make the man do most of the work when I first have sex with them.

I've done both. I've found that almost all... nope... definitely all the guys I've ever had sex with are pretty much game for anything.... so I figured out... that I enjoy myself so much more when I know what I want and how I want it... and I get it, either by asking or directing (and it isn't, like, that direct and commando as I am making it sound, I just don't know how else to say it).

Of course, I am so different now than when I was dating before, so I don't know if it is even worth comparing the two...



I'm getting so confused with Mo's animals and zoos and brownies and cookies, I don't know whether to eat, fck or feed my bun-key.

Corri

[MJontheMend]

Wow... I have never, ever, ever orgasmed while having sex with a man I am only casually dating.

In "Be Honest You're Not That Into Him Either" the author makes the point that one reason women should maybe stop thinking that they can f*ck like men is that many/most women can't orgasm having casual sex. They need a partner who is more in tune with them. I read this and thought " I pretty much always orgasm. So what's going on with me?" and I realized that the reason I almost always orgasm is that I almost never have truly casual sex. I don't want to have cr*ppy sex so I try to form enough of an emotional connection with my partner to make it work for me. This is why a lot of people mediate casual sex with alcohol or other drugs. The intoxicant breaks down emotional barriers and lend the temporary illusion of connection. I just happen to have my own little dopamine pump that makes the alcohol unnecessary. I had sex with NG on our first date and I think I orgasmed at least half a dozen times. I think it was during a lull in the action between orgasm 2 and 3 that NG asked me what my last name was which is why it is really quite surprising that our relationship lasted as long as it did (actually some of my behavior was even more out of hand than that but I want you guys to still respect me in the morning so I won't share)

I can only O if I am willing to be vulnerable... and that covers any kind of sex you can think of... with any animal present, mine or his.

Does that mean I have, like, a petting zoo?

Do you mean that you have to be petted enough to relax or trust the man before you can O? For me petting is soothing and I like it before sex but I seek more excitement than calming in order to orgasm.

Here's what I mean when I talk about vulnerability. When I want to be pinned down, I want to be rendered vulnerable. I was making out with NG one evening and I was in a fairly low key kind of bunny groove. I was kind of half on top of him and I was thrown off balance so he caught me and smiled and said "Don't worry. I've got you." and it was like I simultaneously thought "Yum" and "Et tu NG?" because although I am turned on by almost falling and being caught by giant bicep arms I don't want to think about him being turned on by a situation in which I feel frightened (Clearly it is the ego gratification that is the turn-on but it can feel different from the other perspective). It makes me feel like my sexuality is somehow in collaboration with little Chinese girls getting their feet bound and slasher movies. Of course, it's somewhat demented to in any way "blame" men for the fact that I find my own sexuality somewhat pathetic. So what I am trying to figure out is how to take responsibility for rendering myself vulnerable which is really kind of a tricky thing to wrap the mind around and impossible to achieve if you equate vulnerable with weak. Anyway, in addition to my usual pin down the monkey fantasies the one I've added recently is one in which I transcend the whole "top my top" paradigm - lol. In this fantasy, I'm on top and I put my partner's hand on me and I smile and say " Help me.", not because I need the help to orgasm but rather because I want the help in order to maintain the emotional connection. That's what I mean by vulnerable.

[blackfoot]

Lou,

Yes DNH=DoNoHarm.

Fran,

Im not sure what part you aspire too, but her purple haze created, 'zen' personality, complete social indifferance - imperviousness, and hell on wheels default, comes from somethin that Im sure you dont aspire too live thru. It can be good on a moderate level.

Mojo,
What I would say about you is that you are acting like a hard*ss.
We are judged by our actions. The truth is my default is severly Hard*ss. If you break my boundary, I will disassemble you. I accept that, and work to control it. When I was a tween12,13 I was a REAL Sh!thead with my verbals. Make my teachers cry etc. At 14 I just stopped it. Dont know why just didnt feel right. Wasnt right. However, There is no L in my fLight or fight response. I cut off x the second time to protect her from my verbal abuse.

I do really well with controlling that. I suppressed it for a while, instead of controlling it. tsk tsk. be who you are-- repression leaks out.
Women thinking otherwise are 'trying to fix me.' My mistake was not maintaining true to myself, not protectin myself, and what is mine. Acting monkey is not going to attract the right woman for me.

I'm just worried that you've been popping a bunch of diuretics before sex to enable you to dump all that vasopressin so efficiently
Hmmm. Stick to your statistics and quit mucking about in my chemistry. Dont tell me you are using atosiban or barusiban? I dont do that. Honestly, I just dont care. I thought I was immune to it, but obviously not in a LTR. Good to know, tending the fences becomes a selfish boundary about my needs instead of done for her. I can justify that apparant lack of differentiation.

Part of the reason I'm working on vulnerability is I hate getting the feeling that men are attracted to me when I am weak yet I like being pinned down. What's up with that? Probably it's my own sexuality that makes me cranky (sigh).

Yes. probably.
Men are drawn to rescuing. It makes them feel good about themself. Saps. Thats not the exhibition of strength that women are sexually attracted too. Thats for the bunny. I have no interest in the bunny. Doesnt fill my sex needs. Thats why my guy friends rescue girls and have female friends, and I have sex with women. (referance the spider, vacuum cleaner story.)

Obviously, a woman who is 5'9" and does Denis Austin regularly can open her own doors. So can a woman who is 4"11. I tell em, Hey... hold that door for me. Thanks... *shocked woman* ...and close your mouth, your gonna catch flies.

NG was delighted that I made him tarts but it was very hard for me to do it because I view the "cow" part of my personality as very sexually unattractive now
Dont do it then. I had a girl show up at my place with lunch... ummm. weird. especially after I told her I would call her when I woke up. Which is code for DO NOT wake me up.

In two of my dating books the male authors list behaviors that a man will exhibit during sex if he is "making love" to you vs. "f*cking" you. (The thing that struck me as odd was that apparently many men won't go down on women with whom they don't feel or want to feel emotional connection. IMO, either this is false or I have been much "loved")
What?? Your right I have no clue about my brethern, and I think I do ok, cause I love getting women to talk about previous lovers. Whatever. ...maybe they dont go down on women because they dont want the woman to fall in love with him???...I dont care, whatever. Sucks to be her. If I liked bj's I would be like 'chop chop, get down there.'

when we would go to bed, I used to say
bf:'assume the position' which meant spooning. one time -after several years-
x said 'I dont like it when you say that, it makes me feel like a slave.'
I didnt say it for 3 months. [side note--Thats it. I just stopped. no conversation about it. It didnt hurt my feelings, didnt mope about it, her loss if she didnt want to 'assume the position.' What would happen if I started personalizing and arguing about not being a slave master blah blah bleeeech...]
one night she goes ' how come you never say assume the position anymore'.
bf: you mean- make you feel like a slave?
x: *sigh* I dont know why I said that.
bf: would you Like to assume the position?
x: your such a pain. *wiggle*
next night
bf: assume the position.

It's like the assumption is made that the woman is just lying there passively waiting to either be f*cked or made love to yes. women who I consider to be LD -my version- not the BB version- and the majority, just go passive and receptive in the beginning. When I first got D, I picked most of my dates based on that, trying to understand better LD women. In the past I always went with the dopamine junkies, not intentionally, just due to pysch equivilancy. LD's want you to just do what you want, (referance haps comments) so they can know where they stand. They either have no preferance -or none that they know of.

simply because you are more consciously choosing to for some other reason. I didnt ML to JC, she seems like she is ML to me, but its just her being in control. I flipped her cause I was tired of her being in control (we have an agreement sorta.. I agree, but dont promise. Hehe. ) and the animals got teased untill they broke out of the cage.
She liked it(didnt stop it). But she didnt like it(withdrew). But she did (came back). girls. I never would have been able to find out if she liked it, if I didnt let her withdraw and comeback. NO CHASING! A dog cant catch a cat, without hurting it. You can chase it just to hear it hiss and spit for your own laughs, but you have to go lay down for it to come snuggle.

Doesn't her signaling have a lot to do with the matter?
Yes, but I still am not going to ML to her, unless I am actually 'loving her'. Maybe I should describe the differance between sex and ML.

If you brought home the girl who jumped you in the ice cream aisle and she suddenly went completely "bunny" on you as soon as her lumberjack shirt was removed, would you be able to f*ck her? Thats what happened with chola girl. Ended up being a vulnerable little latina girl in a tough costume. Obviously or she wouldnt have been on the receiving end of a lock shearing head shave from her former gf. probably why she picked me. I am told I feel 'safe' pretty often. *snort.* I think they mean safe as in- inside the fortress, not- safe as in, not dangerous.

and the answer is yes, I will, because if you dont, things get out of kilter. Ice cream had a wife beater, and there was nothing apparantly vulnerable about her. except for her anger. You said Lumber jack shirt. LOL.

OTOH, what if in some bizarro world you actually fall in love again with "some sweet in floral print" and she jumps your *ss like a monkey/lioness right after you're done holding hands and sharing a straw at the soda shoppe?
hm. x. Im avoiding them right now. Id like to say I wont fall in love with her if I find her. I think once you've gone thru the withdrawal process of quitting heroin, only an idiot would go back. Im ignorant, hopefully Im not an idiot. That actually describes the sturdy girl I mentioned In HD's thread that liked to brawl. Swinging, leg kicking, etc. This will make OT happy to hear me admit, but I couldnt tell if she was O'ing because she was so over the top. Resolution and quivering legs, loss of verbal ability and inability to stand suggest yes, but she was really so... somatic, physical, I was skeptical. I never thought I would say a woman could be too loud and physical. So I wont say it. Still. It could never be maintained. Not by me. Maybe Im getting old.

"The bunny wants to have sex." Okay, that's not really true. The bunny does like to be "joined" with somebody. However, the bunny has no drive towards orgasm. So here's kind of what I'm thinking in terms of sexual vulnerability. A lot of women, even me to some extent, when they first start having sex rely on the man to arouse them and bring them to orgasm like it's their job ( kind of like Daddy pushing you around the block on your bike while you concentrate on not falling off). Then as you mature in sexuality you take more responsibility for your own arousal and orgasm (learn to ride the bike yourself, tandem, no hands, pop the wheelie!) When you want to be pinned down etc. it's kind of like you are wanting the responsibility to be forcibly taken off of your hands. You want to be rendered vulnerable or thrust back more into the feminine role while still getting the monkey excitement that will aid your arousal and orgasm.


I think you are treading in dangerous waters and giving away the secrets to navigating the female labyrinth. You may be visited in the night by avenging warriors of the sisterhood, if you are not careful.

kind of like how I might "let" him open the door on a date even though I'm perfectly confident of my ability to open a door, and in that way render myself sexually vulnerable yet not weak. I just wonder if I'm strong enough to pin my own *ss down. It might be freakin' hard to keep that monkey from kicking or stop the cow from somehow getting involved in the enterprise.


Sounds like integration. Let me know if you accomplish it, or just keep updating us, and Ill add you to my list of 3 OW who I presume have accomplished this.

Dont worry about me falling 'in love' though, Im smart enough to know where it comes from. I know you will. *snort*


Yes, I am certain I will let myself fall in love again. I just haven't worked out the details - lol. Clearly, I am worried about you NOT "falling in love".
funny. I meant I know you will worry about me falling in love. and I was being sarcastic.
Ill stick with choosing to love, the other is to analagous to 'stepping in it' its hard to scrape out when your shoe tread is deep.

I almost responded positively to this guy who wants to date me just because he's 6'5" and looks like a giant teddy bear. Luckily, I remembered what happens when you give a teddy bear to a monkey and the zoo keeper did the right thing.

I think you should. often a nice guy is hiding a core of strength, that manhandlers are missing and demonstrate by their shifting attentions. Its all about your perception and your ability to handle yourself, which is admittedly...
Are you visually attracted to him?
What happened to your aspiration to date various men?

I would bake you some cookies if you were my real little brother.

Younger. Not little. get it right. I like the peanut butter ones with the hershey kisses in the center.

[Corri]

Mo:

Do you mean that you have to be petted enough to relax or trust the man before you can O? For me petting is soothing and I like it before sex but I seek more excitement than calming in order to orgasm.

I used to think that I needed to trust the man before I could O. I don't think it has anything to do with the guy. I need to know I trust myself before I can O.

When I want to be pinned down, I want to be rendered vulnerable..... I don't want to think about him being turned on by a situation in which I feel frightened

Nod... nod. People bond when they are scared. If I were having some kind of 'in the foxhole together' kind of sex, I would probably O, and they would probably be very intense, and I wouldn't even have to know the guy's name.

When I say, 'in the foxhole together kind of sex,' I'm thinking of a highly charged situation, usually full of a great deal of fear or perceived fear... and a man and a woman find themselves sort of thrust together... like Hawk Eye and Hoolihan when they ended up having sex that one time, on M.A.S.H.

Hm. So it's easy for you to manufacture 'in the foxhole' responses in yourself to create sexual satisfaction (easy Os), as long as you feel safe in knowing the guy isn't onto you.

So what I am trying to figure out is how to take responsibility for rendering myself vulnerable which is really kind of a tricky thing to wrap the mind around and impossible to achieve if you equate vulnerable with weak.

Well. In my personal opinion... being vulnerable is anything but weak. I think it takes a great amount of strength to do it... but it takes a great deal of honesty and trust with self. At least, that has been my experience. It's kind of cool...

... and yes, I can manufacture that with alcohol... or anything else that renders the self-defense mechanism useless...

but I won't O.... it is really, really, really hard for me to O if I've been drinking. If I don't feel like figuring it all out, and I don't feel like pushing myself to BE vulnerable... I'm okay with that. I just don't want to kid myself, either.

And that can get kind of tough.

Corri

[MJontheMend]

Women thinking otherwise are 'trying to fix me.' My mistake was not maintaining true to myself, not protectin myself, and what is mine. Acting monkey is not going to attract the right woman for me.

I'm in no way suggesting that you act monkey. I am suggesting that you should integrate your Alpha with your Top. The thing that cracks me up about you, and even NOP to a small extent, is that you keep giving the other guys advice but you are both in semi-denial about your own Alpha/Puppy Dog natures. If you didn't have a lion and/or a puppy dog you would not be on this BB. Post this on your monitor: I WANT TO LOVE AND BE LOVED BY A WOMAN. I thoroughly agree with you when you say

Ill stick with choosing to love, the other is to analagous to 'stepping in it' its hard to scrape out when your shoe tread is deep.

After all, I'm becoming a reasonably self-aware dopamine fiend now that I'm done with being needy for sexual validation. Here's what I plan on doing. First, I'm going to choose to love someone and then I'm going to let myself "fall in love". If I choose poorly obviously I will suffer but that prospect is a heck of a lot better than the prospect of going through life without someone with whom I can fall in and out of love and desire.

What?? Your right I have no clue about my brethern, and I think I do ok, cause I love getting women to talk about previous lovers. Whatever. ...maybe they dont go down on women because they dont want the woman to fall in love with him???...I dont care, whatever. Sucks to be her. If I liked bj's I would be like 'chop chop, get down there.'

LOL- I always just assumed that guys gave head either because they thought it was a good "warm-up" or trade for getting head themselves or that they just really "loved" something that I don't exactly equate with being "me" (unlike Cemar.) I actually prefer manual as a warm-up but it's not a strong preference. I just feel like my nerve endings get a little more shot with the head. Obviously, varies due to factors such as the guy's style, experience and beard growth.

NG was delighted that I made him tarts but it was very hard for me to do it because I view the "cow" part of my personality as very sexually unattractive now
Dont do it then. I had a girl show up at my place with lunch... ummm. weird. especially after I told her I would call her when I woke up. Which is code for DO NOT wake me up.

I think I just start to feel kind of obliged after a guy feeds me a lot to offer up something. There's a fine line between being a brownie-dropping cow and being a polite guest who brings dessert or a bottle of wine.

It's like the assumption is made that the woman is just lying there passively waiting to either be f*cked or made love to yes. women who I consider to be LD -my version- not the BB version- and the majority, just go passive and receptive in the beginning. When I first got D, I picked most of my dates based on that, trying to understand better LD women. In the past I always went with the dopamine junkies, not intentionally, just due to pysch equivilancy. LD's want you to just do what you want, (referance haps comments) so they can know where they stand. They either have no preferance -or none that they know of.

I acted a bit LD when I was young simply because I was too shy sometimes to actually verbalize what I wanted. However, the second time I actually had sex, I arrived for the encounter with grape jelly applied where I wanted his tongue. I read WAY too much Cosmopolitan when I was a young teenager. I can't imagine possibly feeling guilty about my early sexual behavior because so much of it just makes me want to laugh hysterically when recalled. My sister unearthed a picture of a guy who was one of my early lovers recently. Curly blond mane, tan bare chest and biceps, wearing a leather vest and tight faded Levis, staring into the camera with a hard look. Heck, if I was 16 I'd do him again but I wouldn't do his adult equivalent now. I guess I've gotten soft with age, use and the discovery that I'm not bullet-proof.

This will make OT happy to hear me admit, but I couldnt tell if she was O'ing because she was so over the top. Resolution and quivering legs, loss of verbal ability and inability to stand suggest yes, but she was really so... somatic, physical, I was skeptical. I never thought I would say a woman could be too loud and physical. So I wont say it. Still. It could never be maintained. Not by me. Maybe Im getting old.

LOL- I very frequently verbalize before orgasm. I can't help it and don't bother to try to stop myself. It's kind of like how you can't help swearing when you stub your toe. I never know what I'm going to say but usually it is something out of a standard but ever-changing vocabulary. Just like how I might blurt out "Damn it!" when I stubbed my toe but I wouldn't blurt out "Taco!" Unfortunately, if the orgasm is coming on really "tight" for me, I tend towards saying "Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.." which I don't like hearing myself say so it distracts me. Lots of the time it's "Don't stop, don't stop.." which is usually accompanied by some sort of frenzied movement of my right hand. Everybody's all time favorite is "I'm going to come all over you!". I have no clue where that came from or really even what it means.

I think you should. often a nice guy is hiding a core of strength, that manhandlers are missing and demonstrate by their shifting attentions. Its all about your perception and your ability to handle yourself, which is admittedly... \:\/ ;\)
Are you visually attracted to him?
What happened to your aspiration to date various men?

I understand exactly what you are saying and I will tell you straight-up why you are right, yet wrong. If I date a man who is a "nice" guy who isn't in touch with his top and hasn't integrated it, he will treat me like a whore. Sad but true. If the elements of basic attraction are in place, I am often able to feel desire for men who are far more "nice" than "top" but they end up despising me for being attracted to whatever top they are in possession of because they want to remain in denial and dis-integrated. Therefore, I can only safely date a guy who is only "nice" if I fake being more bunny than I am, consciously dis-integrate myself, and if I do that I will end up stone cold LD and my monkey will be mean as hell. Therefore, I will not date a man I perceive to be pure Teddy Bear. BTDT and it has S*CKED (mostly for me because I'm not a faker and that is why I have never been LD)

Pretty much I have to find a man who has mostly accepted and integrated his top and his alpha too. Do you happen to know 3 of those guys? Actually, NG was pretty darn close. He was really a sexual healer for me. Too bad I don't have my act together yet.