<more journaling> Yesterday was rough for me. I could feel the millstone of depression quite heavily being alone last evening in the apartment. I can now really understand how people can harm themselves when going through these painful ordeals. (No, I'm okay -- I'm just saying I understand.)
Contrast that with today, especially this evening. All afternoon I was getting more and more charged up in anticipation of going back to our house to pick up the boys. I now have my 2 S's safely tucked away in their bunk-bed, and I am as content as I can be. I have come to realize that for some time when I have been around the W I am not quite as happy as I should be. I love being around my W, don't get me wrong, I really do -- that is, until she says something to me. It is then I realize that I am better off when she's gone (at least while the alien body snatchers have her brain enthralled).
It is just that now I have come to realize that my S's are still my family (even though she is breaking this family apart), and I love them very much and appreciate every moment I get with them. The wife has been under the impression that my weekends with them had been too stressful for me in the past. Her observations (whenever she wasn't at work and happened to be around to see) were that I didn't enjoy helping to raise them. I have always told her she was misjudging me in that regard but I could never put my finger on why. But now I can. Whenever she is around me and I'm taking care of our children, I have not enjoyed the experience. Her control freak nature kicks in and she tries to criticize how I am handling them. I happen to be just fine when she's not there to complain about how I do things. And she is not around to observe the positives when they happen, because she tends to inhibit them by her very presence. The Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle in action, folks.
Anyway, this afternoon as I am starting the engine of my car with my 2 S's in the back seat, I've got Rascal Flatt's song "Me and My Gang" on the CD player, and I decided to crank it up loud. My S's love this song, especially S6, and it has become the semi-official theme song for the three of us. The W, standing to the side of the driveway as we're pulling out, has this odd look on her face. She's smiling but you can tell it's more for the kids' sake, and you can almost read her mind, "He is acting like such a juvenile."
I didn't care, I was just happy. She can see the three of us with big happy grins on our faces as we're rockin' out on this up song, our heads nodding to the beat. It was a great feeling. I reached my hand to the back seat where the boys were and they each slapped me a "five". S6 is now singing along with the song as we drive out of the cul de sac, music blaring, grins flashing and hands waving bye-bye to Mommy.
Was I rubbing it in? Maybe. But I am not going to fail to enjoy the time I have with my S's just because it might happen to make W feel bad. Her happiness for now has been removed from my list of responsibilities, at her insistence.
