Wow, what an amazing post! Thank you for your thoughts as I am sure that what you have written today will give many of us something to think about in the days to come.
I kept a journal as well. In fact, these boards have been a wonderful recollection of my thoughts and feelings over the past three years. Many a time I have gone back to old threads to remember what it was like in the beginning and how I felt today.
I did want to touch base on another subject which has caused alot of discussion on the boards lately.
The OW/OM situation..
As for me, I didn't go looking for New Guy..In fact, I found it more difficult in the beginning to trust anyone in addition to m my instincts. Yes, I did have an R before my D. I filed and when I filed I was done. For many reasons. I felt I was divorced way before I sign on the dotted line.
I don't know if I have shared this with the Newbies but my XH went nuts when he left. No, not just the "typical MLC" nuts, he became extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. Did he do this prior to the bomb? Yes, he did. No, I am not going to go down that road as I take responsibility for the demise of my M, too. How he reacted to the demise, well, that was just plain wrong.
I had three restraining orders against him. One time he baited me with a tape recorder as he was trying to prove to the courts I was a bad mom. Turned out, that incident made him look like a fool and caused so much harm to my kids emotional well-being, words can't describe. He called me every name in the book, harassed me, and wanted me to still be there "just in case." At one point, he told me he wouldn't leave if I had a threesome with he and the secretary..How is that for abusive?
He used to compare me to the OW to my face. Told me all the stuff I didn't want to know. And, to make it worse, he told the OW very personal stuff about our intimate life that she came back to tell me in the beginning of the R.
I felt the need to tell you all this because I don't want you to think for a moment I don't stand for M. In fact, even after all that b.s. I still tried to stand for it. Then, I decided I was being abused, MLC or not. It wasn't right. That is when I filed. I had to have finality. I had to have the financial freedom that he was threatening not to give me. I had to take my life back.
In comes New Guy. He had been separated for three years, tried to reconcile and finally filed. His wife cheated on him as well and had her own MLC.
We both new we had some work to do on ourselves and with our kids before an R should take place. In fact, I went at a snails pace as far as calling, etc. It took four months for me to even call him. When I had situations with H, I asked him if I could work it out by myself. He knew my kids came first and so did his D. My kids didn't meet his D until we had dated a year.
My point is..I heard it all. How long the proper time is to wait to start and R and I still very much believe in waiting. I started an R a few months after I filed. A year post bomb. I do think it was too soon. However, I have to admit..my guy let me work through this my way. He knew I did better being alone when I was stressed. He knew I didn't want to be the kind of couple that had to announce to the world we had "found the perfect mate." I had none of it because I thought it was too soon, also.
Many nights I spent alone crying over my M. At times, it was even harder to date. So many emotions. Too many at times. He wasn't my H but treated me way better. He was so kind to me it only accentuated how poorly XH treated me which at times was too much to handle. Over and over in my brain I wished so badly that my kids were not going to be in a family with divorced kids.
It hurt so much.
However, my Xh started an EA with my best friend in 1999 and I found out by accident. It was the worst day of my life. In fact, I think it was worse than the bomb. You know why? Because he was being so critical, emotionally abusive and downright mean to me during that whole period. It was a time when I went back to schol for my Masters, had two little kids and the worst part, my dad had open heart surgery. What did he do? He ran.
I kept thinking I was doing something wrong. I kept thinking I was a failure for him to do that to me. I kept thinking I was useless if I couldn't keep my M together and he blamed me for it. So, in Jan 2000, I ended up in the hospital. I am not going to go into details, but it was terrible and I almost checked out.
I cannot blame my XH for all this. However, I was a product of being in an M that day by day chipped at the very being of my soul. It was done so slowly that I didn't recognize it. I was a strong, fiesty, go getter when we got married and by 2000, which was 8 years later, I doubted the way I tied my shoes.
So, I do think my Xh had cheated or was looking to cheat since 2000 in retrospect. Mentally, I think instead of physically checking out I mentally left my M. I felt worthless even though he told me how pretty I was and how lucky he was to have me.
Imagine one minute being told all those wonderful things and the next being called a f-ing slob and b****. My head would spin.
I stood for M. I didn't stand for being a victim. I ended my M to save my life and I knew that.
So, I may not be the MTN you all know on the boards..I had a horrific time these last few years and I did wish every day I could save my M.
My M simply wasn't strong enough to save. That was the hardest part.
New Guy simply cheered me on on the sidelines. He watched my kids when I had to do a paper. He cooked dinner when I was sick. He told me how smart I was when I got an A on a paper. He treated me the way I should have been treated all along. The bonus was that all this wonderful stuff snuck into my life when I least expected it.
I see so much going on with the boards and I see so many sides. I see how hard it is to let go. I see how hard it is to stand. I see how hard it is to open your heart again. I see how hard it is not to.
The one thing I do see..Is that the only way to get through all this mess is to stand for one thing..
Stand for yourself.
You have no idea how empowering it is to be handed a diploma when you were told how dumb your were for ten years..You have no idea how great it is to sign on the dotted line when you get your own home..All this stuff is empowering..You have to see this all as opportunity..
I was so sick of being the victim. I was so sick of all the demons in my head that came with the memories of my M in the last few years. I couldn't fix it but I hung onto the good memories for the sake of my sanity. I didn't want to hate XH for what he did to me..I wanted to make sure I didn't have a heart full of hatred.
As for the band aid stuff..Was New Guy a band-aid..Maybe..Maybe not..I don't think so but I guess that is up to you to decide. I would like to think of my R with him as the cheerleading section to my journey to find myself.
Take all this with a grain of salt. I do hope if any of you are being treated like the way I was, you don't stand for it...You need to get help and make sure that noone messes with your mind, body or soul. That is breaking the MLC rules as far as I am concerned. MLC or not, noone should ever be excused to go there.
So, that is my story.
Just like Dorothy, I put on my ruby slippers and found OZ..It turned out to be right in my mirror every day.
