Almost a WAW

[sandi2]

This is very interesting. I agree with both of you. I have to tell you about my H. His love language is "deeds". He does things for me...like wash the dishes, etc. For years when he would do this, I felt like it was his way of saying that he didn't think I was doing a very good job as a housewife. In fact, I kind of resented it when he would do those things b/c I was taught from my mother that my housework was a reflection of me. So, I felt like a failure when he would do something I had left undone. He never said anything....being a man of few words. So I misunderstood for a long time.

"Words" are my love language and he doesn't do that very well. I starve for them! But, I am like those women I talked about....if I have to tell him to say the words to me...it looses the meaning! I don't want to have to tell him to tell me I am beautiful, smart and sexy! What good would it do for him to repeat my own words back at me? I did tell him that I needed compliments and reassurance. But....sorry....I'm just not going to tell him word for word what to say to me. I might as well look in a mirror and tell myself! I think AmyC had an idea along that line (lol).

My H and I are very different. I am a person of action. If I know the yard needs to be worked in......I get up early in the morning, get out there and start working in the yard!(or I use to when I was able to do that kind of work.) Now my H will have to drink about two pots of coffee and just LOOK at the yard through the window, as though he is studing the yard... for say.....ALL MORNING....before he finally gets his butt out the door. It drives me absolutely insane! How we have stayed together all these years is amazing to me. If he needs to go somewhere.....he will stand at the door between the front room and the kitchen, watching some stupid TV program he's not even interested in.....before he goes out the kitchen back door to the carport. He puts off doing every task to the very last minute. Know when he does his income taxes? The last day of the year........every single year! It drives me nuts! He is self employed and does not save any paper work to use for tax cuts, etc. Nothing! Our poor DIL had a baby in December and I told him not to do that to her this time.....wait til the last day of the year...(she is the only person he can get to do his taxes), but he did! BTW, I even told him I would be his "secretary" if he would just try to help me a little bit by giving me some papers......nope! Won't work. He isn't gonna do it. We end up owing IRS tons of money every year b/c of his ......well, what do you want to call it? I get mad just thinking about it. And, no, there is nothing I can do about it....I've tried. It is his business and he has to do the paper work....I can't. He never throws a piece of paper away.....except the ones he should save for tax purposes!

He saves every piece of junk he finds and brings it home and "dumps" in the back yard. It looks worse than Sanford & Son. I am so embarrased b/c our yard and house is the worse looking one in the neighborhood! We have had our worst fights over me throwing some of his junk away and cleaning up around the yard.

Now, this is the man that is always the "good guy" in every situation that comes along. Guess who the "bad guy" always is? You got it! I have faults and plenty of them......I'm sure he could list them quickly. But, my faults, of course, are completely opposite from his. (lol) That is what makes the world go around. However, it is these silly things we don't notice when we first meet, fall in love, and want to get married. How was I do know how he would keep our yard looking when we were dating? I'm sure it would not have mattered back then to me anyway. I probably would have thought...."Oh, all that will change after we get married." HA!

It is also these silly things that causes the wear & tear on relationships. I told him that I did not want us to become like some "old" couples that I have heard that yell at each other fussing and aguring over every little thing. We had almost reached that point.

So, I don't know.......we can read books, watch programs, listen to tapes, etc., but if our heart isn't in it....it just is not going to work out. You've got to have a lot of heart and (if you are married to a H like mine) a lot of patience and energy. My energy.....my "want to" ......is running low these days, so I need prayer and encouragement.

Thanks to you all for trying to help me. You have been so sweet to give me encouragement and advice. BTW, I do know what to do that he likes........it is just that I can't seem to get the "want to". That is my main problem right now.

I have been listening to "Light His Fire", which is very good, BTW, and it helps with other R's ....not just M. But, she mentioned that we should talk to our H's like we would someone we were having an affair with .....instead of being married to. Boy, did that get my attention. I know how I would have talked to the OM and I can tell you it would be with a different sounding tone of voice and most certainly different words and personality. So, you see, it all goes back to the "want to" in us. God, I need that "want to" so badly! I just can't seem to get the drive to make myself do it without the desire behind it.

I'm sorry for "dumping" on you today. Guess I just needed to vent. I am so tired at the end of a day I can barely do anything other than sit at this computer. Then, I usually fall into bed and sleep, get up and go to work, and do the same thing over again. I need to do something different. I need to do something just for fun.....but I don't know what it is and I don't have any energy. I tried going to town last Saturday, and had to turn around and come back home b/c I felt so badly. I had a rough weekend with my fibromyalgia. I think that has discouraged my H a lot more than he will admit. I have felt so bad for a long time and it has taken a toll on us in every way. I also have chronic fatigue.....but I believe some of that is mental discouragement and just plain old boredom. That is what got me into trouble to begin with......boredom. Not all of it is boredom, b/c there have been some things I really wanted to do.....like attend my granddaughter's K graduation and I wasn't physically able. I cried my eyes out. I have missed about every holiday or special occassion that has come around the past couple of years. I nearly lost my job b/c I missed so much work due to my condition. Thankfully, I have a boss that tries to be understanding of the situation. After a few times of missing out on eveything in life (or at least you feel like you are)...it is hard to fight the depression that tries to consume you.

I am not having a pity party.....even if it sounds like that. I am not using my physical condition as an excuse.....even if it may sound like I am. I am about to get use to people not understanding what it is like. But as with most conditions, we don't understand until we walk in the other person's shoes.

I have to talk about it sometimes to get it off my chest. I'm sorry if anyone gets tired of hearing about it. Maybe we should have a forum for people with physical problems along with M problems amd how to cope with it.

As long as I had the "want to" in my heart.....I was a tiger! I would fight for what I wanted and believed in. But now, I slowly feel the fight leaving my body.....and that kind of scares me. I don't want that to happen. I think people can beat diseases......and almost anything....if they have the "fight" and "want to" in them. That's what I want so badly...but it is like my body and heart just won't cooperate. By 3:00 every day my body is so drained I can't do anything. My poor H wouldn't know how to feel to come home to a cook meal anymore.

So, I am blessed that he is so kind and good to me and doesn't complain. A lot of men would have left me b/c they would have not put up with me not cooking, and a lot of other things some H's expect out of W's. He doesn't run around on me. He doesn't drink, gamble, go out with the boys.....nothing. (lol) He doesn't do anything! He DOES watch TV and go to church. That's about his life. I could have it much worse!

Well, I have burned your ears off long enough tonight. I promise not to do this every time!

Talk to me and tell me how you all are doing.