I think you said in one of your earlier posts that you were looking for a good C - have you found one yet? I think it would be a good idea to get these details discussed and ironed out with a good C at your side.
Puddle Just wanted you to know I have read your stuff and this is a tough one.
I think u need to be truthful/ upfront about your exectations re: what is going on. The only reason I left the house was because I knew if I didn't, we were done for sure. I think it would be hard for u to ask him to leave given it is his house too.
What is his reasoning behind wanting to date? He is still married and if he is done and you don't want that, it will prolly come down to you leaving, staying and being wildly pissed every time he brings someone home (which would totally unacceptable imho) or you telling him u want to sell the house as it is art yours and if he is done, you want ypur own place. He can't have his cake as they say
I may be way off here...
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
SU, I called a counselor (recommended by my former counselor) and asked her if it would be worthwhile for us to do JC when our goals are different. She said no, but that IC might be good for me. I'm going to call another couple, though my instinct is she's right. I would feel more comfortable with a third party there.
CVA: oh lord. I hadn't even thought about selling the house. If we did that, neither of us could buy anything. H did say once, when he mentioned that I hadn't said anything when he suggested building an apartment in the basement, that maybe the basement isn't the best idea. Maybe it should be an apartment down the street. That's the worst scenario I'd come up with on my own, but thanks!
Yes, I have to tell him the truth: I won't live with a man who's bringing other women to my (our) home. Maybe he'll come up with some alternate scenarios on his own.
His reasoning for wanting to date is that he's completely, 100% finished with our M, no doubts, and knows he wants a different kind of R---with someone else. I think that's one big difference between our M and other people's here: no doubts (he says), and no OP (except the woman he has a crush on who doesn't reciprocate).
And CVA, post all day if you like! I appreciate it.
Anyone else have any thoughts about how to end "and if you don't, I'll ____"?
Any thoughts about email to the OW (who's not an OW)?
puddle, I am near the end of my IC and my therapist thinks I am doing quite well and handling things reasonably. It worked out for me very good and I am delighted to have came this far but I am no longer holding the W back.
IMHO, its like dont fail me for NOT trying. I have done what I needed to do, and keep on doing what needs to be done. If the S dont want to do anything then so be it. I cant force the W to make changes in her life. Let it be. I am happy and more contented about life than anything else.
cva, it was a low blow. LOL. All in good spirit though.
See the W, Listen to the W, but dont Speak back to the W. Bridle your tongue...
Not really, I have pretty thick skin, no worries as they say. I just happen to be on a blackberry all day long and post while I'm driving at 70 mph, safe eh!
Puddle, how about, "I would prefer that if you decide to date outside our marriage, you not (i) bring anyone to the house and if you feel compelled to do so, you should think about getting a separate place" Doesnt that put it back in his court to come up with a whole bunch of answers while you have been mature about it.
At the end of the day, he is then deciding to break some vows other than just physically separating. I think it will make him think hard about what is going on and again, may get you some answers or at least insights without laying down an ultimatum which usually has the opposite effect on the desired result.
FWIW. C
ah, ah, ah, MMH, she said I could post
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Thanks CVA, that's certainly one way to put it. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between setting a boundary and an ultimatum, I guess.
To be honest, if H were a friend asking me for advice, I'd tell him, look, you clearly want to be free to pursue other people, and you'll need a space to do that. It's not cool bringing women to your wife and kids' home.
Of course I'm not and he's not, so that's moot.
CVA, for god's sake, man, keep your eyes on the road!
Isnt that what we are supposed to be doing, setting boundaries but being the best friend we can be and acting "as if"
Havent used that one in a while but it seemed appropriate, however, acting as if in this scenario has to be bracketed by YOUR boundaries.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
