Recipe for a Perfect Marriage

[MJontheMend]

Im reallllly tired of women telling me Im a jerk, and that I should be dealing with things like a woman does, when Im doing my damndest to DNH. I dont approach, so Im not exhibiting. welll.... I dont approach, what should I do? push them down on the floor, scream EEEEKK a girl!!! and run away?

Paste this to your monitor: I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE A JERK.

Obviously, the guy who really was a "jerk" would be a wolf dressed up like something more tame out bunny-hunting or something like that. What I would say about you is that you are acting like a hard*ss. Nothing wrong with acting like a hard*ss and nothing wrong with openly contracting with women who are acting like hard*sses themselves to have a minor f*ckfest with or without ice cream on top -lol. I'm just worried that you've been popping a bunch of diuretics before sex to enable you to dump all that vasopressin so efficiently.

There's something about men, or really, male sexuality that makes me cranky but I don't mean to take it out on you (I love you like the little brother who reads my diary and says obnoxious things but sometimes offers good advice.) Part of the reason I'm working on vulnerability is I hate getting the feeling that men are attracted to me when I am weak yet I like being pinned down. What's up with that? Probably it's my own sexuality that makes me cranky (sigh).

It's like this. When I go on a date for the most part I let the man open doors for me, feed me etc. Obviously, a woman who is 5'9" and does Denis Austin regularly can open her own doors. So that's why I'm saying that I am "letting" the man open the door. Basically, I'm going along with the romantic gender dichotomy that puts me in the role of "bunny". (OTOH, if I were to brownie-drop a man, I would be adopting the role of "cow" in relationship to him. NG was delighted that I made him tarts but it was very hard for me to do it because I view the "cow" part of my personality as very sexually unattractive now. And really I'm quite okay with this. Actually I'm pleased as punch with this after 19 years of what I had in my marriage.

When it comes to sex maintaining the dichotomy becomes more difficult because I have to ask myself do I want the man to f*ck me or make love to me (clearly a lot of encounters have a very mixed vibe and I don't necessarily consciously ask myself this question but I'm making a point here.)? In two of my dating books the male authors list behaviors that a man will exhibit during sex if he is "making love" to you vs. "f*cking" you. (The thing that struck me as odd was that apparently many men won't go down on women with whom they don't feel or want to feel emotional connection. IMO, either this is false or I have been much "loved") Now, you say you will "make love" to a woman because you are "in love" with her or simply because you are more consciously choosing to for some other reason. It's like the assumption is made that the woman is just lying there passively waiting to either be f*cked or made love to. Doesn't her signaling have a lot to do with the matter? If you brought home the girl who jumped you in the ice cream aisle and she suddenly went completely "bunny" on you as soon as her lumberjack shirt was removed, would you be able to f*ck her? OTOH, what if in some bizarro world you actually fall in love again with "some sweet in floral print" and she jumps your *ss like a monkey/lioness right after you're done holding hands and sharing a straw at the soda shoppe?

I do have a point. So let's say I'm making some sort of choice about my signaling "bunny" vs. "monkey". The problem is the "bunny" doesn't really have a sex drive. At best she is willing or responsive. So it is like an oxymoron to say "The bunny wants to have sex." Okay, that's not really true. The bunny does like to be "joined" with somebody. However, the bunny has no drive towards orgasm. So here's kind of what I'm thinking in terms of sexual vulnerability. A lot of women, even me to some extent, when they first start having sex rely on the man to arouse them and bring them to orgasm like it's their job ( kind of like Daddy pushing you around the block on your bike while you concentrate on not falling off). Then as you mature in sexuality you take more responsibility for your own arousal and orgasm (learn to ride the bike yourself, tandem, no hands, pop the wheelie!) When you want to be pinned down etc. it's kind of like you are wanting the responsibility to be forcibly taken off of your hands. You want to be rendered vulnerable or thrust back more into the feminine role while still getting the monkey excitement that will aid your arousal and orgasm. What I am thinking is that if I were feeling really confident about my arousability and orgasmic potential, I could just "let" the man take responsibility for my arousal/orgasm, kind of like how I might "let" him open the door on a date even though I'm perfectly confident of my ability to open a door, and in that way render myself sexually vulnerable yet not weak. I just wonder if I'm strong enough to pin my own *ss down. It might be freakin' hard to keep that monkey from kicking or stop the cow from somehow getting involved in the enterprise.

Dont worry about me falling 'in love' though, Im smart enough to know where it comes from. I know you will. *snort*

Yes, I am certain I will let myself fall in love again. I just haven't worked out the details - lol. Clearly, I am worried about you NOT "falling in love". I don't know if celibacy is the answer. Maybe I will try it too. You and I and BB can start a post-divorce BB celibacy club. If you want to make it more fun for my monkey we should make it a contest and have some money riding on it. Or we could mix up the contest and I lose if I fall in love before you have sex again. BTW- You need to remember that I am very impressionable to advice. I almost responded positively to this guy who wants to date me just because he's 6'5" and looks like a giant teddy bear. Luckily, I remembered what happens when you give a teddy bear to a monkey and the zoo keeper did the right thing.

The only reason you could play naughty school girl is if he thinks you are innocent. Other wise the dicohtomy and fantasy ceases to exist.

Interesting. I rarely feel very "innocent" when I think about playing naughty school girl. If one is naughty that implies a certain lack of innocence. OTOH, I do largely keep it in the fantasy realm due to my perception that my 42 year old knees wouldn't look all that "innocent" or, really, "youthful" in a little plaid skirt. Of course, one could purchase tights. Or maybe pretend that you were playing field hockey and you still have your knee pads on which, obviously, could add an interesting dimension to the game. Sometimes I am amazed by my own monkey ingenuity.

Your not a crybaby. Your a woman easily moved to tears. you feel, you emote, its over with. Nothing wrong with that.

I would bake you some cookies if you were my real little brother.