There and Back, #5

[SallyM]

wow, how is it possible that I locked another one so quickly? link to previous thread.

good day so far. dropped a very cute looking S5 off for school spirit day today. omg, he is so sweet. watching him walk into school with his big old backpack on, all the while turning to throw more kisses to me, just warmed my heart. I am so lucky. I am. sometimes I get so caught up in the crap that I forget just how good I have it.

had a good w/o at the gym, and chatted briefly with H (he called) about some stuff. he was giving me grief about my slightly addictive/obsessive personality and how S5 is just like me. he made a comment that I get on something in lieu of everything else. I'll admit to yes, getting very interested about something and getting really into it, but hey, I also do a lot of other stuff, multi task and all that. He said NOW I do. um, dude, I have 3 little kids, trust me, I've done it all along, you just haven't noticed before. but makes me wonder if he is noticing more what I do. who knows, not going to think (obsess, lol) about it. Nor am I going to think about his motives for watching the game on sunday here with the kids. Because S_O_T_S was right, about the only sign that matters is when they walk thru the door and say they want to try to make the marriage work. Going to keep reminding myself of that fact.

busy day today. have some of the kids coming by for a playdate, then will probably have them all stay for pizza and a movie tonight (along with their mom, a friend of mine). Her H is out of town on business so could be fun for all of us....have some wine chilling so if the kids are too rowdy, well, who cares? lol.

[my3sons]

I'll admit to yes, getting very interested about something and getting really into it

Not like, say, him watching sports?? Too funny.

[SallyM]

lol, oh yeah, we're two peas in a pod, the difference is I recognize it about myself.

[my3sons]

I get the impression that he calls you more than you call him, and that his calls are more and more frequently "just to talk". Or he calls with something minor and then stays on the phone.

Is this an accurate perception? If so, I'd say your GALing, positive attitude, etc is having an effect. (Not that you care one way or the other anymore .)

[S_O_T_S]

Hi morgan.

Because S_O_T_S was right, about the only sign that matters is when they walk thru the door and say they want to try to make the marriage work.

A few things about this.

1) The first time heard it put this way it came from swashy.
2) He meant it as, don't read too much into "baby steps"
3) He did not mean don't discount them entirely either
4) The real point is, you don't know how to interpret words/actions/behaviors on the part of someone else because you only have part of the picture.

Case in point, I was just out with a nice woman and got a kiss at the end of the evening. Good sign, I thought. Turned out to be her way to say goodbye...

have some wine chilling so if the kids are too rowdy, well, who cares? lol.

I'm impressed that you can stay so lighthearted during these times. How do you think you do that?

Take care,

[SallyM]

he does call me more than I call him, but only because I finally got it drilled into my head to stop calling him. I only call when he has the kids, unless something really urgent comes up. I no longer make excuses to call (for the most part). for instance, he called later than normal this morning...he's stressed and didn't realize he forgot to call the kids to say good morning to them until mid-morning. prior to db, I would have called, said the kids wanted to say hi (they didn't notice, busy morning around here). and I would have freaked out, at least to myself, and come up with a ton of reasons for him not calling, most of them involving ow and him doing naughty and nearly illegal things together. lol.

today I didn't even think about it. I think that's good progress.

I do think my GAL is definitely a good thing. It used to piss him off, but I think he's just coming to accept it and maybe it does attract him some, but not sure enough to counteract OW. and ya know what, its his loss. because part of GAL is that it is reminding me that I am a (reasonably) attractive, fun, loving person who has a lot to offer and who finds a lot of joy in life. I have my moments when I feel very troll-like, but they are fewer and further between now. definitely a good thing.

S_O_T_S, I won't discount the steps, but I'm also not going to blow them up into something they are not anymore. I did that for too long, I need to step back and see something bigger. on the other hand, I'm also not being a complete hard-ass about stuff (like coming to watch the pats on sunday...and please someone, tell me its an early game), so I figure that's middle ground. I'll be friendly, I'll be me, but I am also sticking to the "I don't want to know about your social life/don't ask about mine" rule. I need some self-protection, along with keeping things as open to reconciliation as I can.

as for how I can stay so lighthearted at times, one thing I realized after reading DB back in july , is how much all of this was changing me, and not for the good. I am not normally a person who wallows/is bitter/is angry, and that was who I was becoming. I didn't like myself anymore, and I vowed to stop it. obviously I still do get like that from time to time. if you read my posts, you know how deeply I can feel hurt and such, but for normal, everyday life, I need to be myself, too. and myself is a person who can be lighthearted, who can find fun and joy in life, even when parts of it suck. just gotta keep concentrating on the stuff that doesn't.

[SallyM]

more thoughts...the reason I can be lighthearted today is because nothing has happened to disturb the status quo. I keep hearing an old econ prof say, "ceteris paribus." in other words, all things have stayed the same, so I can be lighthearted. yes, my life is still up in the air, my h is still with ow, but, at least so far today, he hasn't changed anything...he hasn't filed for divorce, or introduced my children to ow (or brought up introducing them). I can allow myself to be me, to enjoy life and such, because nothing else has been thrown at me. for now.

[mkultra]

I think it is wonderful that you are still attracted to each other. You still have chemistry and sexual heat. Imagine for folks like me where it is completely numb in that department. Why am I DBing still?
PMA PMA! Yay, MOrgan!

[SallyM]

yeah, but ya know, mk, I couldn't even look at him when we had sex the other day. because I've started to not see him as the man I love/married, but as the man who has been a complete and utter ass/jerk to me. the man who has lied to me. the man, who last winter, had me picking out his sex clothes. okay, so they weren't sex clothes, but I helped pick out a new wardrobe for him (he had lost weight) and kept telling him how hot he was. in fact, the day he went to spend the week with ow when I thought he was just working hard (I found out about the affair when he came back the following monday) I kept telling him how good the clothes we bought looked, how hot he looked, and that I shouldn't let him out of my site.

blech.

so part of me is numb. but if I close my eyes, I still love his body and he still knows mine very, very well.

[mkultra]

So we give them an ego boost to cheat? Does it ever work like that? I am starting to think the whole dating thing is true. Think about it. My mom says if I date some guys, my H will see them as a threat to his fatherhood, not necessarily his manhood. It is a dicey game, but she says his biggest fear is that he will be replaced, not by a new husband, but By a new father figure to his kids. I dunno. I dunno. Fence sitting here. Men and women are different. I dunno if what worked for 789 will work for me.