I viewed it as the difference between wearing what you want because you want to and wearing it because you know your spouse (or mom or anyone) doesn't like it and you're trying to "show them."
Ahh, I see. Yeah, the former was where I was coming from, not the latter. I was suggesting that HD be independent for a while and live the way he wants to live, but it sounds like he has been doing that.
As for HD's shirts, it appears to me he is wearing the shirts to get back at Mrs HD because she is annoying him. It is passive-aggressive. It does not have to do with being himself. And frankly, if I hated a shirt my H wore I would hope that he would respect my opinion. I wouldn't wear clothing my H thought was ugly. But that's me.
LFL, again, the shirt was an example. Forget it. I didn't say it with the idea in mind that he should do it to annoy MS HD, that was not the goal of my post at all.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
One other thought… as we all know she is reacting out of her sh*t, from anger over something in her past and projecting all that onto you. No mystery there. She is hurt over something and I think she unconsciously seeks revenge. You are the unlucky target of that. I know that when I was really mad at my mom or my wife, I wanted to get even too. It was all I could focus on.
The one and only thing that could disarm me was to know that I had somehow succeeded in hurting the other person. But as you can imagine, that is a hollow victory for then the guilt then comes flooding in. What I am thinking (with the hindsight and great learning I have gained from here) is that if you simply tell that she has hurt you and how that feels, you may disarm her. But don’t do it in a condescending way, do it in an honest, detached, matter of fact manner. That might take away any motivation for her to keep attacking.
But don’t let it get to you, as I’m sure it won’t. After a while she might get her fill of vengeance and start to lay off. In the sick way her mind works, I think this is one way she will feel validated by you, a way that is not too mushy and one that she can handle. It can open up all sorts of inroads for later discussion and understanding. Just something to consider.
I'm not going to rip apart Mrs. HD. Sorry. I don't think it's fair to rip someone apart who has been nothing but consistent in Who She Is and How She Acts. That does not mean I endorse her in any, way, shape or form.
I'm not going to feel sorry for you either. I've got loads of empathy and compassion for you. But pity isn't in there...
I'm not even going to worry for you... because I KNOW, probably for the first time since we started posting, that you can handle this and you are going to find your way through it.
I might suggest you calm yourself a bit so you can think clearly.
And if there is anything I can do to help you work your way through this, just ask.
You CAN do this. I know it. But what is the best thing ever... is YOU know it.
One other thought… as we all know she is reacting out of her sh*t, from anger over something in her past and projecting all that onto you. No mystery there. She is hurt over something and I think she unconsciously seeks revenge. You are the unlucky target of that. I know that when I was really mad at my mom or my wife, I wanted to get even too. It was all I could focus on.
The one and only thing that could disarm me was to know that I had somehow succeeded in hurting the other person. But as you can imagine, that is a hollow victory for then the guilt then comes flooding in. What I am thinking (with the hindsight and great learning I have gained from here) is that if you simply tell that she has hurt you and how that feels, you may disarm her. But don’t do it in a condescending way, do it in an honest, detached, matter of fact manner. That might take away any motivation for her to keep attacking.
But don’t let it get to you, as I’m sure it won’t. After a while she might get her fill of vengeance and start to lay off. In the sick way her mind works, I think this is one way she will feel validated by you, a way that is not too mushy and one that she can handle. It can open up all sorts of inroads for later discussion and understanding. Just something to consider.
Oh, please.
Replace your emotional/mental "hurting/vengeance" with physical "hurting/vengeance" and let me know how well that line of reasoning is working for you ....
The idea of exposing children (or anyone) to the kind of dynamic you seem to be suggesting here literally turns my stomach.
Remaining calm and saying, "This hurts me because ...." -- fine, excellent .... two people behaving like raving lunatics is obviously not the solution either.
But letting the fire rage unabated until she runs out of fuel .... no, no, no. All other considerations aside, what kind of an example of adult behavior will *that* set?
Are you *seriously* advocating "validating" someone by allowing them to treat you with total disrespect? What kind of f*cked up message does that send?
Whoever above advocated "I will not allow you to speak to me/insult me that way" and "There is no place in our relationship for that kind of statement" is on the right track, IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
After a while she might get her fill of vengeance and start to lay off. In the sick way her mind works, I think this is one way she will feel validated by you
Cobra, this is sheer lunacy!
You're saying that hairdog can validate his wife by allowing her to wreak vengeance on him until she "gets her fill"?
by that "reasoning," I guess her ULTIMATE validation would be if hairdog allowed her to kill him? (cancel-cancel)
Ok, I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought Cobra's suggestion was ridiculous. I understand him wanting to "logic" his way into putting up with the behaviors of his own W but come on. Two wrongs don't make a right. And frakly Cobra, the behavior of your W AND of you seem wrong to me. I understand the lack of love but what about respect. How can you have a R/M without it?
Just wanted to assure everyone that I am still alive. Been busy today with a combination of work, emails, and inward reflection (e.g. daydreaming, meditation, worrying, planning, etc.)
I'll update when I can. Thanks to all, and enjoy your weekend.
