My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

[Heimlich]

Steel,

If you need her to end the A, tell her. Ain't nothing wrong with that. If you can live with the uncertaintly, that's OK too. You've gotta decide what you can deal with.

I would like to give the benefit of the doubt and think that this is so she could end the A, but I just can't convince myself.

How did you see this text? If she's serious about reconciling, personally, I don't see how it's done with OM in the picture. If you weren't snooping, seems like a good opportunity for you to broach the subject.

Can't remember, but would pushing the MC/scheduling it yourself be a bad thing; "W, I'd like to schedule MC for us, what days are good for you?"

For what it's worth, I was angry about my W's A as well. While I never will understand why she went through with it, I do finally understand how she got there emotionally through being married to me (not a cakewalk for a while). Somehow, once I really accepted my role, that anger melted away (of course, that was only back in June, so it took me awhile).

Gotta develop that duck's back, because it's not going to be easy, whichever course you take.

I know that my PMA has suffered and is lacking lately.

Is she picking up on this? Are you reverting to previous, negative habits that got you here? Are you blaming her for the A? If so, she's noticing/picking up on those vibes. I made these mistakes. Don't do them. Force yourself to do stuff that makes you happy. Hey, LSU won last week. You should be ecstatic, right?

I try to tell myself that she is confused and that she is trying to work her way through the fog. I try to convince myself that she really is trying and that it is a gradual thing.

Yep.

Is she open to talking about the R with you? If so, might be time to do a status check on where you both are.

BD

[Steel_Box]

How did you see this text? If she's serious about reconciling, personally, I don't see how it's done with OM in the picture. If you weren't snooping, seems like a good opportunity for you to broach the subject.

I was snooping. no excuses

Is she picking up on this? Are you reverting to previous, negative habits that got you here? Are you blaming her for the A? If so, she's noticing/picking up on those vibes. I made these mistakes. Don't do them. Force yourself to do stuff that makes you happy.

I am sure she has noticed that I am not as "happy" as I was previously but I don't feel that I am slipping into old habits. I am withdrawing and trying not to spend as much time with her. I am trying to let her deal with having the kids by herself without help for a while. My old habit was to try to spend more time with her, that is definitely not the issue. I am still trying to do the things that make me happy but it is getting more difficult due to the financial crunch that I am beginning to feel. (I am now covering most of the same bills on half the income.)

Hey, LSU won last week. You should be ecstatic, right?

I am. GEAUX Tigers! Bring on VT baby!

Is she open to talking about the R with you? If so, might be time to do a status check on where you both are

I don't know I've gotten so good at not bringing it up that I don't know how to approach the topic.
Actually I think the R discussion is possible but is a minefield because as soon as her job or OM come up she is on the defensive and firing up the pitch on the castle walls.

[Steel_Box]

Also, I feel like I am in a catch 22.
If I pull back and don't spend time with her when she is in town then I appear unhappy and withdrawn. If I do I wind up helping/enabling her to have it easy with not having to take care of the kids solo.
I also feel more depressed (guilty?) when I don't get to see them. (all of them but the kids especially)

[Heimlich]

Well, then. Guess it boils down to
1. Can you live with knowing that your W might be continuing her A

If not,

2. Lay it on the table and be ready for her to bolt -- or, she may come back, one never knows.

I don't envy you either choice. When is she trying to set up a meeting with OM? Face to face? Related to work?

Never been a Tigers fan, but looking forward to the Saints kicking the crap out of Indy tomorrow!

BD

[Steel_Box]

I'm not sure when she is trying to set it up. The message just said "I will have kids all weekend. I do want to figure out a time we can get together" It sort of leaves everything open. Although it is much tamer than a lot of the previous convos i have seen.
She flies out Sunday to go to the company's manufacturing facility for a training class until friday. It is possible that it could be then, but unknown. Since they work for the same company and travel is a way of life, they can arrange to meet quite easily.

I may try the softer approach and ask/push about the counseling first and see what response I get. Then play it by ear on whether to go full scale or not.

On another note Saints vs Colts tomorrow hell yeah! W's family is from Indy. hehe
I will probably watch the game with her cousin who is down here at LSU. See... everything in my life is divided

[Heimlich]

See... everything in my life is divided

You want divided. I play two teams in fantasy football. In the money league, I start Brees. In the for fun, trash talking league, my opponent starts Brees and Reggie. Dude, I am soooo conflicted, I don't know what to hope for.

[Steel_Box]

Well I don't know what you hoped for but Brees didn't help you to much in the money league.

[Heimlich]

Yeah, that was not good from any angle. Still trying to figure out what the Saints gameplan was.

[Steel_Box]

updating/ jounaling

Well it came out this morning. We were talking and it started to turn into an argument. I stopped and said "wait can we start this over"

The conversation went along these lines.
Me: I'm sorry that this started to turn into an argument and I don't want to attack you about anything. I am just starting to feel like I am being strung along. I know that you are working on things and I can see some of the changes that you are making. However I am beginning to lose my cheery attitude latetly because i feel like we are only working on the superficial or surface things. I see you slipping back into the way things used to be. You are traveling as much or more than you used to, It's been two months since you asked me to go to counseling with you & you haven't made any effort to make an appointment, and you are still talking to OM.
W - silent pause - I'm not talking to him like that.
ME - yes you are, or at least it seems that way. I then told her that she received a text message from a family member the other day while she was napping at my mothers house. I happened to be standing there when it went off and I picked up her phone. I apologized and then told her that when I picked it up I saw that txt from OM was next on on list. I told her that I looked. I saw that the message was about the one she sent saying "... I Do want to schedule a time that we can get together.." I apologized again for looking, but then asked is this something else, Is this so you can see him and break up / end it?
W - Yes i want to talk to him and tell him that I want to work on my marriage.
ME - OK well you haven't told ME that lately. So I don't know what you want. If I only have pieces of info then I am going to assume the worst.I also asked her did she feel that she had to see him face to face to end this? She said yes, (I don't like it but OK) So I say then uses some of your frequent flyer miles and go up there. Get this over with.

She told me that their conversations lately about each others spouses. I jokingly said " he doesn't have a spouse, his divorce was finalized on June 7th. (I decided to let a few bits of knowledge slip out to keep her guessing about how much I know) She looked at me a little perplexed and said yes that's right, but he might be getting back together with his 1st wife. I said that I thought (name) was married? Again confusion and then she replied with yeah but she is also getting divorced. W say she and OM now talk more like friends and said OM actually helped her to see a few things from my perspective. I don't know how much of this to believe but for now I will take at face value with some caution mixed in.

At this point the hostility that was there in the beginning of the convo is gone and we are just talking, so I feel that things are going well. She commented that she didn't know when the last time she saw him was. I replied that as far as I knew she had not seen him since June 15. (sort of a slip, sort of a tactical move) She looked confused and like she was trying to remember. I said "that was the weekend of father's day when you flew home from OM's state instead of Washington D.C." She again looked blank but I saw it register. I also told her that was the last time knew or tried to know.

I told her that I did understand that she is trying to work through this, and that as I told her before I want to be there for her. But, if she keeps me in the dark then all I have is what I conclude on my own and that is ALWAYS going to be worse than the reality. I also said that what happened in the past is done. I can't change it and I am past being mad and angry about it (I hope this is true, but not positive) I am just worried about the present and the future. I explained that as much as it is going to hurt, we are going to have to talk about it. It is not going to go away. I said that I want to understand it so that I can't try to make sure I don't contribute to it happening again.

She said that she felt like I was slipping back into old habits about wanting to always plan things and be with her whenever she is home. I said that I didn't think I had but I would try to work on it and evaluate myself to correct it if I was. I also lightened it up a little bit by saying that I could understand how she felt that I was always "planning things out", but seeing as how my job is a Construction Manager and Planner it was sort of a way of life for me I will try not to appear so structured though.

It seemed to be a good conversation overall. There were so positives and negatives. I do really need to see if I am backsliding some. I probably have been some, due to work and other influences I haven't had alot of GAL time. Time to restructure again.

Another thing was that I talked about how I felt better since we were able to talk and how I felt it was a good thing. I also said that I felt that it was neccesary to talk about the affair and it would probably be best with a C so that we could do it with an objective person in the room to help if we start having issues. She agreed.

Now I guess I will observe and see if anything happens

[Heimlich]

Steel, that's better than a Saints win would've been.

Extending that trust to her has got to be hard, but you have to. I hope that she's being honest with you.

You handled that beautifully.

BD