There and Back, #5

[SallyM]

he does call me more than I call him, but only because I finally got it drilled into my head to stop calling him. I only call when he has the kids, unless something really urgent comes up. I no longer make excuses to call (for the most part). for instance, he called later than normal this morning...he's stressed and didn't realize he forgot to call the kids to say good morning to them until mid-morning. prior to db, I would have called, said the kids wanted to say hi (they didn't notice, busy morning around here). and I would have freaked out, at least to myself, and come up with a ton of reasons for him not calling, most of them involving ow and him doing naughty and nearly illegal things together. lol.

today I didn't even think about it. I think that's good progress.

I do think my GAL is definitely a good thing. It used to piss him off, but I think he's just coming to accept it and maybe it does attract him some, but not sure enough to counteract OW. and ya know what, its his loss. because part of GAL is that it is reminding me that I am a (reasonably) attractive, fun, loving person who has a lot to offer and who finds a lot of joy in life. I have my moments when I feel very troll-like, but they are fewer and further between now. definitely a good thing.

S_O_T_S, I won't discount the steps, but I'm also not going to blow them up into something they are not anymore. I did that for too long, I need to step back and see something bigger. on the other hand, I'm also not being a complete hard-ass about stuff (like coming to watch the pats on sunday...and please someone, tell me its an early game), so I figure that's middle ground. I'll be friendly, I'll be me, but I am also sticking to the "I don't want to know about your social life/don't ask about mine" rule. I need some self-protection, along with keeping things as open to reconciliation as I can.

as for how I can stay so lighthearted at times, one thing I realized after reading DB back in july , is how much all of this was changing me, and not for the good. I am not normally a person who wallows/is bitter/is angry, and that was who I was becoming. I didn't like myself anymore, and I vowed to stop it. obviously I still do get like that from time to time. if you read my posts, you know how deeply I can feel hurt and such, but for normal, everyday life, I need to be myself, too. and myself is a person who can be lighthearted, who can find fun and joy in life, even when parts of it suck. just gotta keep concentrating on the stuff that doesn't.