How to keep GALing from backfiring?

[Yoyowife]

Maybe you should make an appointment with lawyer. Goodness, I'm at a loss what to tell you. I don't know the legal system that well.

[lester]

this relationship i admit has turned me into kind of a kept man. and no not all my Rs have been like that. In fact, I have been the dominant one (don't like that phrase but have seen it in books) in about half previously. I guess complacency has let me be confined to how she wants.

her past R's have been either to walk over the guy or be ultra clingy and drive him away. she still thinks of the guy she was clingy with and this seems to be her part two.

[saffie]

I understand that. Look let me explain. I am a tax consultant. Daily I deal with people who come to me with all sorts of tax / financial problems. I see people where their partner has had something happen to them suddenly, (death or illness), and that partner did all the financial stuff and the one coming to see me is left not knowing how things stand. It is not good to be like this. If your wife got knocked over tomorrow by a bus how would you know where to start dealing with everything. Regardless of your wife having an A you need to know how things stand, where details are filed etc. etc. not only for you but also for your children.

I have seen too many people having to cope with learning about finances etc at a time when they are also trying to cope with other things. One of my old female client's didn't realise she had lost £50,000 of savings when her husband died. It was all in a bank a/c her husband had set up and she knew nothing about??? I found it when doing her husband's return of income to date of death. She really needed that money. It could easily have been lost. Regardless of your marital state you NEED to know what's going on.

tha's my opinion for what it's worth anyway.

sorry for coming down a bit heavy about this.

saffie

[saffie]

I missed your post saying you had access to joint a/c - sorry

Saffie

[lester]

i haven't seen the statement from iowa for about a year i think. maybe we don't have it anymore?

[lester]

lightchasers,

I know what mean that it doesn't give control back to me to worry about what she does. But I am human and for whatever screwed up reason I want to be with her. I'm sure i'm not the only one here. I want to GAL but I just really hate the backlash.

[lester]

mom and bf both say to loose her. I know that's not uncommon either.

[Ohio_Mark]

Have you read DR? In the book, Michelle tells a story about what happened when she came home from a business trip. She had spoken to her husband on the phone earlier, and it seemed that things had not gone well in her absence. Her husband was to pick her up at the airport, and she expected an icy reception from him. However, her travelling companion suggested that, when she saw her husband, she act as if everythng went well in her absence. Act "as if" is what she calls it. So instead of "sorry... " or a negative reaction, she acted as if they were all happy to see each other... and all the negative stuff just disappeared.

Lester, you are psyching youself out, expecting a disaster. Act as if you wife would be eager to share any information: passwords, account info, etc. You need to believe it before you speak. Then, if she reacts, your surprise will be credable, genuine, and difficult to ignore.

It is not enough (in fact, bad) to believe that you are entitled to this info. You must believe that your wife is prepared to openly share with you.

One more thing... ignore her reactions to your GAL's. Let her act like a child. You can't control it, so let it go.
Mark

[lester]

I am psyching myself out but when up becomes down it's disorienting that's why i'm here. yeah i read that passage a couple of times about as if. you're right i should approach it like that. with the gal i do ignore that she acts like a child but she knows my buttons and so tries to get a rise out of me. It's just very tiring.

[lester]

i wish my sitch fell in the neat categories... you know she moves out, she never says ILY, always acts with disregard. The book has straightforward ways to deal with that. my W acts normal then drops bombs -- so not like the way it is in the book. I know give it time it'll get there:)