Tucson or Bust, part 3

[fearless]

For all the the talk about boundaries on this forum, MsHdog is a great example of having a boundary, making it clear it's a boundary, reacting strongly when the boundary is crossed and staying strong about it. Granted it's a dysfunctional, crazy, twisted, messed up, etc. boundary but nonetheless it is a boundary. And Hdog crossed it. That's okay and I don't believe he's a "bad guy" for crossing it. Maybe this is what he wanted to initiate by crossing it.

For me though, if someone had a boundary that I thought was messed up, I wouldn't just cross it to see if they change their mind. And if someone crossed my irrational boundary (fear of heights if you must know. Although I am not sure that it is really irrational in my case) to test me, I wouldn't react well either. For me, I would prefer talking about it AWAY from the boundary. So in Hdog's case I would have recommended that he set up an appointment with a Sex Therapist AND approach Ms Hdog with "MsHog, I understand you are uncomfortable with physical contact from me. However I am uncomfortable with a relationship with you where my physical contact with you is a problem. I have set up an appointment because we both need to have this issue resolved in EACH of ours best interest. I don't want to ride rough shod over your needs but I also cannot have you riding rough shod over MY needs. Each of our needs are EQUALLY important in this marriage."

Again I stress that I think Hdog IS a great guy and that his wife OBVIOUSLY has MAJOR issues. I just happen to think that his way of dealing with those issues seems to go between giving in, begging, supplicating, etc. (weak) AND tweaking her soft spots, initiating known hot points, being defiant, forcing her to escalate to protect herself from (perceived) danger, etc. (sorry but still weak in my view.) Again PLEASE don't take this as an insult but as another POV. I happen to see most of Hdog's behavior as TWO sides of the SAME coin and not really different. A teenager who sneaks out of the house is NOT strong but is weak. Sure they are defying their parents but not in a strong way.

Also remember that Hdog left the bed FIRST. So now MsHdog is trying to find the control by now asking him to leave the bed. Quite frankly I don't know why he wouldn't. It could be a boundary that she needs to get it figured out why a husband touching his wife is inappropriate. I would say that sex therapy would be crucial for both of them.

and my thinking is, if she's upping the ante to get a reaction (namely, me crawling back, asking for forgiveness), that's not going to happen.

That's absolutely what I thought when I read your dialog this morning. I think being resolute will help you. With all respect to Heather I don't see your situation as similar. Her H was/is punishing her. Your wife is trying to get a reaction. She "knows" you want to sleep with her.

Oh and back to the comparison of you and a "rapist." I see that as her manipulating you rather than her believing that. I may be VERY wrong but I'm sure she knows you are a nice guy and of course comparing you to scum would obviously HURT you. That said, there is no excuse for it. It just seems obvious to me that it is the tactic of someone who is scared to death. She's scared so in return she tried to scare you Again that said, you shouldn't put up with it at all. I would have immediately called her on her bluff. I would have said in a QUIET and STRONG voice "If you really believe that I could EVER do something like drugging and raping you, then what in the HE!! are even doing with me? I will NOT be insulted like that. If you DON'T believe I could drug and rape you, then you better NEVER throw such an accusation at me again. There is no place in our relationship for those types of statements."

Again to be clear I don't see ANYTHING appropriate about MsHdog's opinions, statements and actions. I just don't necessarily believe that Hdog has approached things from the strongest angle either and I want to encourage him to be strong.