Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 4

[Heimlich]

No, Nugget, it's a valid point.

Hard to communicate via words the tone/exact way I said it to her, but I'm aggravated/fed up at her suggestions of how to spend time with the girls. I play games with them. I take them to the park. Zoo, etc. I've always spent a lot of time with them.

It's a boundary thing. Yes, I appreciate her concern for the girls being bored. At the same time, she's not giving me any credit for my ability to keep them occupied. And, yeah, that's bugging the hell out of me.

However, we no longer have the need to listen to each other about how we spend our time. Maybe we will again one day, but until then . . . "

I bet you wife feels that you love and respect her for her opinion and concern for her daughters and how you will spend you time with them after a conversation like that.

Until very recently (2/3 weeks, maybe a bit longer now), I've been clingy and seeking her opinion on things. I don't think she quite understands that she no longer has an equal vote in how I spend my time or that I'm ready to move forward. I also hate being told what to do, and some of her suggestions have had the "I know better than you" tone to them so you should do x, spend your time doing x.

So, yeah, there is a little anger in this on my part. Justified, I think, because she's being disrespectful of my ability as a father in being able to plan their time so that it's enjoyable.

That make more sense?

I've let a little aggravation show, but no anger.

BD

[Atlas]

H,

I did the very same thing and while it actually worked for me well this is a thin ice area. You can scream and rant at each other all you want but mess with the cubs and she will bite.

What I did is just said thanks for the suggestion, we'll think about it but we are doing x and if we have enough time then we will do your idea.

Lets her know that you do what you want to do, but you also don't dismiss her suggestion either.

[savingus77]

"she was saying that I ought to take them somewhere on Sundays if it's nice. I said I might, or I might watch football. She said something else, and I replied, not in an angry way, that that's your opinion, but I don't really have to listen to it now. Maybe i will again one day, but not now"

Hi Heim - just thought I would jump in here as well. I think there was nothing wrong in your intentions or in the point you were trying to get across - but I think like OT said - it is a matter of tact. Just the phrase "that's your opinion" in itself displays a certain anger/tone even if that wasn't your intent. I know deep in your heart you are still hoping that things work out with your W - so every little interaction that you have with her counts.

You can still set your boundaries and get your point across - with maybe something like: "yeah, that sounds like a good idea also, but I am really just looking forward to a relaxed day on the couch with my girls".

[Heimlich]

mess with the cubs and she will bite

Part of the aggravation is that, until last year, she rarely took them anywhere by herself. I did things more often with them, solo, than she did. So, suddenly, because they're more easily portable (older) now, she's interested in taking them places by herself. Papa bear is just a wee bit miffed at this.

That said. Yes, tact. Be not dismissive. Could have done a better job of that. Thanks, everyone, for pointing that out.

It's just if she cared so damn much about the girls, she'd be giving our R another shot. GRRRRRRRRR. Ok, I feel better.
BD

[thegoodfight]

Good point if you cared that much you would give it a chance! Funny thing is I believe the WAS doesn't believe divorce does any damage to the kids. Too bad they don't read the 8 million articles out there that open with "Divorce is very difficult on children" They worry their parents won't love them anymore because they don't and tell the kids they don't love each other.

They offer this as a recourse "Tell your children love is different between a parent and child". It is unconditional, really if that is the case why would ever divorce since it is proven that children from unseperated homes prosper except when abuse (mental or physical is an issue). Point is we don't practice what we preach to our children.

Hey S. if you aren't happy go find someone else, who cares who suffers just make yourself happy. I hope our kids are wiser than we are and practice what we preach. "Do as I say, not as I do". What a load of crud!

[Atlas]

It's just if she cared so damn much about the girls, she'd be giving our R another shot. GRRRRRRRRR. Ok, I feel better.
BD

She does, but she has gone way past the point of saying I would work on this for the girls. That is part of the point of DB'ing, it is up to you to act. She was so driven back by her feelings and your actions towards them that there was no choice, only run and run fast. Now you have the option, either continue with the same behaviors and get the same results or change your behaviors and results.

Don't be afraid to set boundaries with her, but don't do it in an aggresive or confrontational manner.

[Not Much Left]

H
OK, now after ALL that advice, hit the refresh button and detach.

[Heimlich]

She does, but she has gone way past the point of saying I would work on this for the girls. That is part of the point of DB'ing, it is up to you to act. She was so driven back by her feelings and your actions towards them that there was no choice, only run and run fast. Now you have the option, either continue with the same behaviors and get the same results or change your behaviors and results.

Too true, too true. I have been changing, slowly but surely. I even know that she's noticing. I've just gotta get out of the house. Kindof stuck in limbo at the moment with being half here and half in my apt. That's starting to wear on me. This isn't home, but I'm still here. Know what I mean? Also get a little frustrated at myself. I keep thinking if I knew what I know now 7 months or 18 months or whenever ago, I wouldn't be here. That sucks.

CVA, detachment is still firmly in place.

Continuing the 'be nice, calm, and efficient' offensive.

BD

[Not Much Left]

I know how you feel more than you can guess.

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

I completely get what you're saying about feeling like W is impinging on your papa space, not appreciating your ability to make choices about the girls. From a mama's POV, I bet she's feeling a bit insecure, since you've always done more with the kids than she has. I may be wrong, but there's something similar going on with me and H, and I recognize that I'm feeling anxious about it.

If I were you I might have replied with, "Oh, we're going to have a great time Sunday." And, of course, you know there's lots you can do to help the girls enjoy football. It doesn't have to be, "Sugar, go get daddy another brewsky, wouldja?" and "Not now, honey, daddy's watching the game."

I keep thinking if I knew what I know now 7 months or 18 months or whenever ago, I wouldn't be here. That sucks.

That sounds like breast-beating. How about thinking what you're going to know 7 or 18 months from now? Heck, you'll be a regular yogi.

The house limbo has got to be hard. Keeping out of each other's way sounds good.

And, Heim, you've told her often enough now that you're not angry. Just shut up and act not angry now, okay?

Take care. What's your move-in date?