Tucson or Bust, part 3

[heatherg]

I don't care how psychologically damaged your W is

I have to agree with this. All this analysis of what your W may be thinking, why she may be acting the way she is, etc....it's not your concern HD. I can see myself in your situation right now because of the time period when my H was acting so horrendously toward me. I can remember being so overwhelmed by all the opinions and speculations of why he was acting the way he was and what I may have done to cause it. Frankly, sometimes the 'why' of things doesn't matter so much as the 'what you're gonna do about it'. You know what? I never, ever figured out WHY my H was acting that way toward me. I just know it's not happening anymore and THAT is what matters.

I was always paralyzed too because I felt like people were telling me I had all this power to change things, well that must mean I have to DO something, SAY something, CHANGE something...there is something that I'm supposed to DO. But it's not just SOMEthing, not just ONE thing.....it's just being who you are and it is in fact very slow, so slow you don't know anything is happening until one day you realize things are so different. You don't have to take an immediate extraordinary action or leave or change overnight. It just means you have to stop being overwhelmed by what SHE does and says and feels and start honoring YOU. That can be so very small at first (insisting on making your favorite meal now and then even though she hates it, wearing your favorite shirt even though she doesn't like it, refusing to leave your bed, etc) and you just build on it and build on it for however long it takes until you have to confidence to tell her to straighten up or get the fkc out.
These words are no different than many that have been posted on these boards before....but I used to just skim the surface of those words because the process is so slow, I didn't really believe it, I couldn't see the changes mattering. The process is sooooo slow. You first have to make the decision on whether or not you want to give her that much time. If you do, then settle down, don't let her overwhelm you, take your time, be you. You owe it to the great human being you are to be true to yourself. Accept right now that you can just live without her and start doing it, inside your own house, in your own bed, with your own kids, spending your own money. Let her play her games by herself, fight with herself, fkc herself, depend on herself and take care of herself. It helped me to pick a timeframe and then I could live it.

Oh and one more thing. If my H had been more cooperative, I'd have left his a@@. Just keep that in mind.