Tucson or Bust, part 3

[heatherg]

HD:
I implore you to reconsider this bed issue. Think about it long term....if this state of your M goes on for a while and perhaps you will eventually try to reconcile...or not....either way SHE does not have the right to tell you where to sleep.
Take it from someone who is still not in her marital bed-once you give someone else that power, it is VERY difficult to take it back. Don't give it. Don't, don't, don't.
She can sleep somewhere else.
You may have hurt her feelings, she may be fearful, she may be crazy, she may be a b!itch, who cares about any of that....none of it matters on this subject. You didn't do anything inherently wrong and therefore she has NO RIGHT to tell you to leave the bed. She has EVERY RIGHT to ask you and if you concede, well my friend, prepare for the possiblity of sleeping somewhere else for a really long time because Mrs HD does not strike me as the forgiving/compassionate type.

HD, buck up man. Quit letting her determine the state of this R..."if she's upping the ante", "If she said it because she wants me to move out"....WHO CARES?????
After all this, what do YOU want??

[chromosphere]

MsHdog came downstairs to let the dogs out.

You can say that again.

Man if I could build a time machine.

MsHdog: I want you to find another bed to sleep in tonight.
HD: Why?
W: I just don't want you in the same bed as me.
HD: Tell you what, you go out and use your money to buy a bed and I'll help by clearing a spot in the basement for you.
W: Well, then why don't you just find another place to live.
HD: Yeah. I'll get to work on that. (No revision needed, good answer)

Jeeze Louise man. While we were all here debating about your motives, her state of mind, and arguing with each other about who is going overboard, your W decided to up the ante quite a bit eh?

Time to get your shiat in order my friend. If this is hollow threats from her, getting your [censored] in order will let her know that such threats are utter crap and she better think twice about it in the future. If they aren't hollow ...

Chrome ... who gives HD a map to the fun and games palace on the Planet of DGISitis so that he doesn't get too bored during his stay.

[Heywyre]

MsHdog: I want you to find another bed to sleep in tonight.

And the reason?

I just don't want you in the same bed as me.

Ok, that's easy - YOU find another bed to sleep in because I am quite comfortable in MY bed thank you

HD - DON'T give up your bed. It is giving up your power to her after SHE was wrong! If she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you, then let her find other accommodations

[LustForLife]

HD

I know people are going to argue to keep at it but my opinion is your R/M is so damaged that there is no way in heck ALL of those children are not being negatively affected in some way.

Some M are NOT meant to stay together and with the level of verbal/psychological abuse in your household, I'd say yours is one of them. Think of the example this is setting for those kids. They don't deserve this chaos.
I don't care how psychologically damaged your W is. That is NOT your issue right now. You need to protect yourself and those children.
That's my 2 cents.

LFL

[GonnaGoBlind]

HD, don't you dare move out of the bed. If she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you then she is the one who should be finding somewhere else to sleep. Tell her you are comfortable in your own bed whether she sleeps in it with you or not, and if she isn't comfortable then she's the one that has to find somewhere else to sleep. Don't give her that power, my friend.

[lettie]

HD, this may sound really strange, but you sound great right now only because you sound strong and sure of yourself. This was bound to happen at some point. Do not give in. Yes, she is wanting you to say you are sorry, run back as the one who needs forgiveness, etc. No doubt about it. But this is where you have to play hardball. Otherwise, nothing changes. And something has to change...and I would make her go sleep elsewhere.

[blackfoot]

have you ever tried to take a bone away from a dog when he's chewing on it?


Yep. and I have zero problem doing so. If the dog has a problem with me doing so, he develops a much bigger problem.

[Cobra]

HD,

I’m with Heather on his. You moving out and taking this “tough” stand to move on to D if necessary is not a hard stand at all. It is weak. You are still accommodating her. The hard stand is to tell her that bed is yours and you will sleep where you want. If she doesn’t like it then she can sleep elsewhere. You have never truly rattled the cage and now, just when things build to a crescendo and cage rattling time is staring you in the face, you back down again. She has effectively called your bluff.

As far as damage to the kids is concerned, only you can decide that. I am more concerned about your youngest. She is adopted. I think a broken home will be tough on her, plus I wouldn’t trust MrsHD to provide her a good role model when you aren’t around.

IMO, this is the time to put up the fight, not to run.

[chromosphere]

Cobra,

Cutting your losses and moving on so that you can be more effective and have a better life is not running.

Although I am not necessarily advocating HD push for D. I agree with you that he needs a strong response. A calm, measured, well-thought-out strong response. That may be just clear, concise words, it may be D, or something else.

There are things you don't joke about, there are things you don't bluff about, there are things you don't threaten. If you do, you reap what you sow.

Chrome

[heatherg]

I don't care how psychologically damaged your W is

I have to agree with this. All this analysis of what your W may be thinking, why she may be acting the way she is, etc....it's not your concern HD. I can see myself in your situation right now because of the time period when my H was acting so horrendously toward me. I can remember being so overwhelmed by all the opinions and speculations of why he was acting the way he was and what I may have done to cause it. Frankly, sometimes the 'why' of things doesn't matter so much as the 'what you're gonna do about it'. You know what? I never, ever figured out WHY my H was acting that way toward me. I just know it's not happening anymore and THAT is what matters.

I was always paralyzed too because I felt like people were telling me I had all this power to change things, well that must mean I have to DO something, SAY something, CHANGE something...there is something that I'm supposed to DO. But it's not just SOMEthing, not just ONE thing.....it's just being who you are and it is in fact very slow, so slow you don't know anything is happening until one day you realize things are so different. You don't have to take an immediate extraordinary action or leave or change overnight. It just means you have to stop being overwhelmed by what SHE does and says and feels and start honoring YOU. That can be so very small at first (insisting on making your favorite meal now and then even though she hates it, wearing your favorite shirt even though she doesn't like it, refusing to leave your bed, etc) and you just build on it and build on it for however long it takes until you have to confidence to tell her to straighten up or get the fkc out.
These words are no different than many that have been posted on these boards before....but I used to just skim the surface of those words because the process is so slow, I didn't really believe it, I couldn't see the changes mattering. The process is sooooo slow. You first have to make the decision on whether or not you want to give her that much time. If you do, then settle down, don't let her overwhelm you, take your time, be you. You owe it to the great human being you are to be true to yourself. Accept right now that you can just live without her and start doing it, inside your own house, in your own bed, with your own kids, spending your own money. Let her play her games by herself, fight with herself, fkc herself, depend on herself and take care of herself. It helped me to pick a timeframe and then I could live it.

Oh and one more thing. If my H had been more cooperative, I'd have left his a@@. Just keep that in mind.