Decided to post this title since I read from time to time hints and tricks of the trade on dealing with the MLCers. So, I decided to start a thread based on the stuff I learned on how to GAL, deal with the kids, new opportunities, new R. ..you know, stuff other than the MLCer.
Here I am post D one year as of August 24th. How do I feel? Pretty empowered since all the financial crap is behind me, the house issues (I stayed) and just the thought of the "unknown" further behind. (although there are many unknowns, still, but they aren't so scary )
Many people have called me for advice since the big D is spreading around like wildfire in my town. (Makes me so so sad) And I have wanted to compile some helpful strategies on helping them work on themselves. You know, it's like when you have the flu, it's so much easier to fight the infection when you eat properly, sleep well and mentally keep yourself in tact as best as possible. So, I want to provide a greatest hits, so to speak, for all my BB family.
Here goes:
What. I know.
The better you take care of yourself, the better you are able to deal with the stress. I can't emphasize enough you are what you eat and I was about to become a gigantic Hostess Cupcake if I didn't get my act together during the bomb.
Get a good T. My T was awesome and still is.
Keep what you say about dear old WAS to a minimum if you need to vent. I made the mistake of talking to anyone who would listen about how crazy my then H was and it wasn't a good idea at all. IT came back to haunt all of us in the end. Utilize one or two good friends, family members, BB's to help you vent your frustration.
Get a hobby. I know, sounds cliche. I forgot how much I loved to garden, read and work out. I was just existing for so long trying to figure out how to get WAS's attention.
Take some quiet time, too. I realized how "noisy" my life had become and I felt like I was in emotional overload with the cell phones, mail, telephone, computer..yikes..I needed to breath.
Make a list of goals and try to achieve them bit by bit. My goal sheet was so tiny in the beginning and had stuff as simple as go to the food store, take a walk, clean bathroom..you know..nothing earth shattering but the more I checked off, the better I felt. Eventually, I was able to check off I passed my NJ certification exam for teaching which was my nemasus the last five years of my M. I knew I had to take it but didn't feel mentally up for it.
The kids. I made sure I tucked my kids in every night.t..You know hung out their rooms talking about their day. It may seem like the simplest, almost insignificant of tasks but those talks we have and did have at the end of the day were key to their emotional well being and still are.
Dinner..ah yes..The family table. It is so much easier to let the kids pop in this and that in the microwave and go eat where ever. I let that happen for a while and felt terrible. I was too sad to sit at the kitchen table because there was one big empty spot. However, I started to invite friends over for dinner and starting to have sit down meals. The kids actually ASKED for them which I thought was funny but great at the same time.
Maintain as much routine in the kids schedules as possible..creates security.
If you are having a doosey of a time communicating with WAS, do it via email. An attorney told this to a friend and I thought it was great. It keeps things less heated and more organized. And,l there is proof of the communication if need be.
WAS contact. Well, that is up to you. I did feel the more I saw him in the beginning the more steps "I took backward. Many people addressed this as well. So, I kept the pickups and dropoffs with very little chit chat. I would not go out to his car when he picked the kids up and I kept phone calls to a bare minimum for the first year or two. I found that much of the time I did call things would get heated so I needed a breather from the drama and so do the kids.
Start new traditions. I am trying to have movie night with the kids..you know, stuff like that. They love it and it gives them something to look forward to.
Get the kids help, too. Call the school..I found the guidance dept to be a fabulous resource. My D was in a little lunch club for kids going through a D when she was in third grade and it really helped.
As for OW/OM..YUK. All I can say is that I kicked and begged and pleaded for the kids not to be around her. It backfired many times. (I know now in my sitch I have proved she is a wacko and she is dangerous for the kids to be around but that is another story.) For the most part, the more you argue about her to your WAS the more he will defend her. It's Murphy's Law. Express your concern about the kids seeing her but keep the focus on the KIDS not what an a** the OW/OM is.
Keep the focus on the kids when you discuss things with WAS.
Oh well, that is all for now but I am sure more of you will jump the What I Know Bandwagon..
Hang in there everyone..keep your chin up..stay strong..you will get through this..
)
