Following a night of little to no communicating, me sleeping in our bed, and getting up, getting ready, as usual, I was sitting downstairs, waiting for my DS15 and DD12, so that I could take them to school and their mom's, respectively. MsHdog came downstairs to let the dogs out. Sat down in a chair across the room from me.
MsHdog: I want you to find another bed to sleep in tonight. HD: (Long pause) Uh...did I grab your boob again or something? W: No. I just don't want you in the same bed as me. HD: Fine. I haven't felt comfortable there, anyway. W: Well, then why don't you just find another place to live. HD: Yeah. I'll get to work on that.
I had just read Corri's post right before this conversation, and, although I was thinking about this:
Quote:
Mrs. HD is operating right now at DEVCON 20.3, and doesn't even KNOW it. [. . .] That does not mean she is a throw away, unredeemable person. You cannot fix what you cannot see. And she cannot SEE right now. [. . .] In my mind, Mrs. HD is doing nothing out of character, because it is very obvious to me SHE THINKS she is feeling threatened. [. . .]
So, yeah, the statement about finding another place to live comes from a place of fear. However, I was also thinking about this:
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He wants to clean up his own mess before he thinks about throwing her away... as I see it, anyway. In her DEVCON 20.3 stage (and it may get way higher HD... probably will)... if she hits a boundary of his... and he will know it if it happens... all bets may be off. HD's call.
To me, the boundary was threatened when she made the comment about the bed, but, since I'd been thinking about the problems with that anyway, it was too fuzzy of a boundary to enforce.
But to me, "find another place" is the same as "I'm done" or "I want a divorce" or similar threats, and my thinking is, if she's upping the ante to get a reaction (namely, me crawling back, asking for forgiveness), that's not going to happen. If she said it because she wants me to move out, then, folks, I'm ready, and I am not going to give her a bunch of reasons why we need to stay together anymore. I've played that game too many times and it wears me out, wears me down and, let's face it, even when the relationship is on a good footing, I've got a partner who wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire. Sorry, corri, but I realized over the vacation with her, when I had severe stomach cramps and she had ZERO empathy for me and ZERO patience with me that all her complaints about MY lack of empathy were just projection.
So, where am I now? Well, I don't just have a case of don'tgiveashititis . . . I'm on the Planet of Don'tgiveashit. I just blew up my rocketship and, she can figure out her own damn way to bring me back to Earth. Frankly, I'm here, I'm comfortable with it, and aside from obligations I have to fulfill in shuttling kids to and fro, I'm calm. Oh. And I'm not afraid.
So, what's going to happen? I'm working on it. I don't know. But I will state here and now that, if anything happens involving me groveling back to her for forgiveness, I want someone, anyone, to come out here and shoot me.
